Build intimacy and connection by sharing intimate and vulnerable information, both when starting a relationship and to sustain closeness over time, because people are often surprised by how much others will like them when they share something vulnerable.
Disregard the high school myth that potential partners exist on some objective scale of desirability, because unique compatibility built over time is far more important than conventional attractiveness for a good relationship partner.
Do not be tempted to think there’s a single formula for relationship success, as what worked in one partnership might not work in another; instead, tailor your approach to the authentic, co-constructed growth of each unique relationship.
Leverage your existing social circles to meet potential partners, as relationships historically and still largely emerge from people you already know, rather than solely relying on quick initial impressions or online dating.
Do not overlook people you already know as potential romantic partners, as the ‘friends-to-lovers’ pathway is a common and effective route for relationship formation, accounting for about 70% of relationships.
Actively reinvent and update your couple’s narrative to fit new realities as life changes occur (e.g., new jobs, children), rather than staying locked into early patterns, to maintain satisfaction and adapt effectively.
When making initial impressions, allow for a little ‘messiness’ and vulnerability instead of striving for perfection or self-promotion, as people often find this openness more appealing and interesting.
Do not believe in the concept of soulmates, as this can lead to giving up too quickly during inevitable difficult times in a relationship, viewing conflict as evidence of incompatibility rather than an opportunity for growth.
Recognize that relationships are not ‘good vibes only’ and will inevitably encounter conflict; actively work to fix issues and learn and grow from challenges rather than assuming problems signify fundamental flaws.
Avoid carrying beliefs that men and women are fundamentally different or that behaviors are determined by gender into a relationship, as this can lead to the unfounded assumption that problems are unfixable.
Do not assume that a person’s attractiveness or appeal as a short-term partner (e.g., based on looks or a ’thrill of danger’) has any bearing on their potential as a good long-term partner, because these attributes have little to do with long-term relationship happiness.
Go into relationships without strong assumptions about what your partner needs to do, and be humble and flexible, ready to unpack unspoken assumptions and jointly construct your relationship as it evolves.
If you are in an existing committed relationship, be mindful of engaging in intense self-disclosure with new people, as it can quickly build intimacy and lead to questioning your current life choices.