Understand you have more agency than you think in dating outcomes. Exercise it daily by making small, intentional changes like shifting class schedules, sitting at community tables, setting a “date number,” and finding an accountability buddy.
Use behavioral science and academic research to “reverse engineer” the dating process. This helps reclaim agency and improve the probability of finding a partner by understanding underlying dynamics.
Shift your focus to actions within your control rather than solely on the outcome of finding a partner. This provides comfort and agency, such as deciding to work from a coffee shop or attend a specific yoga class.
Set a specific numerical goal for a challenging aspect of your dating life, such as attending four social events a month or going on 12 second dates a year. This framework provides a finite target, reduces anxiety, and facilitates exposure therapy.
Treat dating anxieties, like the fear of asking someone out or being single, as phobias. Gradually expose yourself to these uncomfortable situations to build comfort and realize that the perceived negative outcomes are often exaggerated.
Anticipate inevitable rejection by pre-planning self-soothing activities, such as going for a run, taking a warm bath, listening to uplifting music, or calling a friend. This strategy builds resilience and reduces anxiety when putting yourself out there.
Identify where you’re getting stuck in dating by asking trusted friends, a therapist, or family members for honest feedback on why you might be single or what’s holding you back. This vulnerability can provide powerful insights.
Increase the effectiveness of your dating plans by assigning a specific time, place, and behavior to an action, such as “On Tuesday at 7 p.m., I’m going to trivia night at this specific bar.” Putting this on your calendar makes follow-through more likely.
Find an accountability partner to check in with weekly about your dating plans. Being accountable to someone else significantly increases the likelihood that you will take the actions you’ve committed to.
When seeking a partner in real life, choose activities and places you genuinely enjoy, rather than solely focusing on meeting someone. Prioritize environments where you’re likely to interact, such as a book club over a concert.
Increase your chances of getting a “yes” when asking someone out by first asking for a small, low-stakes favor, like directions or watching your belongings. This initial interaction makes a subsequent request five times more likely to succeed.
Regulate anxiety during initial conversations by remembering that people generally enjoy being talked to more than we often assume. Have a simple opening line ready and a graceful exit strategy if the conversation doesn’t go as planned.
Make it easier for others to approach you by providing easy conversation pieces, such as unique stickers on your laptop or water bottle, or wearing apparel related to your interests. Also, avoid isolating behaviors like wearing noise-canceling headphones in social settings.
Use candid photos (15% more likes) and black and white photos (twice as likely to get a positive swipe). Avoid beach shots (significantly fewer likes) and mirror selfies, and ensure no one in your photos could be mistaken for a romantic partner.
Invest in high-leverage actions like asking a friend to do a quick photoshoot for your online dating profile. This can significantly improve your picture quality and overall profile effectiveness.
Always proofread your online dating profile carefully, as approximately 50% of people will disqualify a profile that contains even a simple typo.
Frame your preferences positively (e.g., “seeking someone who values quality time”) instead of listing what you don’t want. Include open-ended prompts or interesting anecdotes to encourage conversation.
When sending a first message, make a thoughtful comment on something specific in their profile and ask an open-ended question. Avoid over-obsessing; the goal is to start a spark.
Aim to meet up for an in-person date within two to five days of initial messaging on dating apps. This “sweet spot” helps avoid becoming digital pen pals and increases the likelihood of a real connection.
When asking someone out, provide concrete details for the time, place, and activity (e.g., “walk Friday at 6 p.m. over on the Highline”). This specificity makes it easier for the other person to understand and commit.
Reduce decision fatigue and overwhelm by automating certain dating choices, similar to Steve Jobs’ uniform. This includes having a go-to first date outfit and a few reliable date spots.
Combat the addictive nature of dating apps by setting an alarm to limit your usage to about 15 minutes per session, ideally three times a week. This helps protect your mental health and prevents excessive scrolling.
If you anticipate not responding quickly on dating apps, be upfront in your profile or message (e.g., “I’m much quicker over text, here’s my number”). This manages expectations and encourages direct communication.
Recognize a potential life partner by observing overriding qualities like kindness, curiosity, and shared values, and a feeling that is “considerably better than a previous baseline.” Pay attention to their genuine interest in getting to know you.