Do not ignore uncomfortable emotions like anger, as ignoring them causes them to fester, worsen, and surface later in unhelpful ways, potentially affecting other relationships.
Practice curiosity about the source of your anger, especially when it feels unclear, precognitive, or body-based, to understand what your body is trying to communicate.
Acknowledge your body’s anger response by telling it ‘I got you, I paid attention’ and then decide if immediate action is needed, rather than trying to wrestle control away from the amygdala.
Use the AHEN acronym (Anger from Hurt, Expectations Not Met, or Needs Not Met) to unpack the specific underlying cause of your anger and identify recurring patterns.
Be aware that anger, particularly in men due to cultural norms, can often mask other emotions such as sadness, hurt, disappointment, or depression.
Learn about common anger triggers using the LIFEMORTS model (Life/Death, Insult, Family, Mate, Environment, Resources, Tribe) to gain insight into why certain situations provoke strong anger responses.
Practice the 90-second rule by acknowledging the physiological rush of anger with curiosity (‘Hmm, I wonder what that’s about?’) and allowing it to dissipate naturally without reacting, as the body primarily wants attention.
Practice breathing techniques where your out-breath is longer than your in-breath to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, calm the vagus nerve, and reduce physiological arousal.
Participate in mindful movement practices such as yoga, Qigong, or Tai Chi to reconnect the brain and body, which can be incredibly beneficial for calming the nervous system.
When upset, engage in self-soothing physical actions like pulling into a fetal position or rocking, as these naturally calm the vagus nerve and are accurate physiological responses.
Instead of just reacting, channel your anger strategically to create meaningful change, as exemplified by Rosa Parks’ actions, which are far more effective than mere outbursts.
Refrain from screaming and raging, as these behaviors are generally ineffective for creating actual change and can be scary or uncomfortable for those around you.
Pay close attention to early physical warning signs of anger, such as a tight jaw or raised shoulders, to address the emotion before it escalates into a full-blown rage fit, which is much harder to control.
Recognize that while you are not responsible for your first physiological emotional response, you are responsible for your second thought and your first chosen behavior, allowing you to choose a constructive reaction.
Consistently practice new, constructive emotional responses to build alternative neural pathways, making it easier over time to choose different reactions and ‘weed over’ old, unhelpful patterns.
Identify the patterns and circumstances that trigger your frustration ahead of time, giving you a better chance to proactively change those situations in ways that enhance your overall well-being.
Approach emotional management as a continuous practice, understanding that it takes time to unlearn decades of old patterns and build new, more effective ways of responding.
Do not expect emotional perfection from yourself, as this sets you up for failure; instead, focus on continuous improvement and getting ‘better at it’ over time.
Distinguish between a genuine physiological anger response and anger that is being weaponized or used as a mechanism to control others, as the latter is problematic and manipulative.