View happiness as a skill that can be learned and mastered, rather than a fixed state, to actively work towards improving your well-being.
Shift your mentality to ask, ‘How can I be of service here?’ as acting in service to others, especially family, can increase your own happiness and help navigate challenging situations without sacrificing your own needs entirely.
Avoid a passive victim state by actively being a ‘protagonist of your life,’ which means either showing up to be of service to others or clearly communicating and asking for your own needs to be met.
Combat perfectionism and the ’not enough’ syndrome by reminding yourself that ‘you are enough’ and that your efforts and circumstances are sufficient, rather than constantly striving to prove yourself.
Allow yourself to fully experience and radically accept all emotions, including grief and sadness, rather than suppressing them, as this allows them to pass more naturally and creates space for joy.
Shift your focus during holidays from achieving ‘Christmas card perfect’ decorations and photos to cultivating genuine connection, gratitude, and thanks.
Remove social media apps from your phone and check them only occasionally (e.g., once or twice a week for a limited time) to reduce FOMO and negative social comparison, especially during the holidays.
Before engaging with social media or entering potentially challenging situations (like family gatherings or travel), be vigilant and prepared for potential negative impacts to avoid being a passive victim.
Opt for real-time communication methods like phone calls or video chats (Skype, FaceTime) over texting or social media interactions, as these provide more psychologically nutritious and soul-satisfying connections. If real-time isn’t possible, texting is better than nothing.
Address loneliness proactively by gradually exerting yourself into new social areas, such as joining a club (e.g., bowling, D&D), participating in community cleanups, or volunteering, especially around the holidays.
If you’re feeling lonely, reach out to someone you think might be in need or also lonely, with the intention of helping them, as this act of service will also provide you with a boost of belonging and social connection.
Counter perfectionist tendencies by allowing others to help you, as this not only lightens your load but also gives them the opportunity to contribute and feel needed.
For important or potentially sensitive topics, pick up the phone and have a voice-to-voice conversation rather than relying on texts or emails, which can lead to crossed wires and misunderstandings.
Approach conversations with deep curiosity about others—who they are, what makes them tick, their thoughts, and their journey—to facilitate more engaging and meaningful interactions.
Avoid shallow small talk and instead ask profound questions like ‘What are you grateful for?’ or ‘When was the last time you cried?’ to foster deeper connections and closeness.
Beyond initial communication, honestly ask questions like ‘How do you feel about this?’ or ‘What does this mean to you?’ to understand others’ values and perspectives, especially during family discussions.
Gather your family for a group conversation to discuss what the holidays mean to everyone, what they love, what they could change, and consider new traditions like charitable giving instead of gifts.
Proactively choose not to engage in political arguments, communicate this decision (e.g., via email or at the start of a gathering), and steer conversations towards shared points of unity.
If discussing sensitive topics like politics, focus on sharing personal lived experiences and feelings rather than debating facts, to foster perspective-taking and compassion.
When discussing important issues, avoid lecturing with facts; instead, share personal experiences and emotional impacts, and connect them to universally shared values like the love of nature.
Engage in conversations by focusing on people’s broader values and asking curious questions to gain their perspective, rather than trying to impose your own, to maintain safer dialogue.
When requesting a change in conversation (e.g., avoiding politics), frame it by sharing your personal needs (e.g., ‘I’m burned out and want closeness’) to make it easier for others to grant your request.
During holidays, intentionally carve out time (e.g., 5-15 minutes) for family to collectively honor those who have passed or are sick, by sharing memories or saying a prayer, to process grief and make space for joy.
Understand that the ‘only way out is through’ when it comes to grief; allow yourself to experience it, and recognize that opening up about loss can foster shared connection and happiness with others.
Before engaging in potentially stressful activities like holiday travel, remember what typically happens (e.g., jostling, annoyances) to mentally prepare and reduce frustration.
Increase sensitivity and compassion towards family members during the holidays by understanding and acknowledging their individual expectations and desires for the season.
Head off uncomfortable family questions by making proactive ‘announcements’ about sensitive topics (e.g., job, relationship status) at the start of a gathering, to avoid repetitive or loaded comments.
Print out and place conversation cards or deep question prompts on the table to encourage more meaningful discussions and prevent conversations from becoming shallow or repetitive.
Actively identify and discuss common interests (e.g., sports teams, hobbies) that unite people, as this can help overcome political differences and foster connection.
Employ spiritual tools, as discussed in ‘Soul Boom,’ to enhance mental health, wellness, and personal transformation, especially during the challenging holiday season.
Visit drlarisantos.com/deepquestions to download and utilize conversation tips from Nick Epley to boost social connection during the holiday season.