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Harnessing People Around us to Feel Happier (Live with Ethan Kross)

Mar 10, 2025 49m 27s 21 insights
<p>Hell is other people. They can upset us, depress us and infuriate us. Their bad moods can bring us down. And their achievements can make us feel like failures. But it doesn't have to be this way.&nbsp; &nbsp;</p> <p>Psychologist Ethan Kross says there are simple things we can do to make our daily interactions a source of fulfilment and joy.&nbsp;</p> <p>Ethan's the author of <a href="https://www.ethankross.com/">Shift: Managing Your Emotions So <em>They</em> Don't Manage You </a>and founder of the Emotion and Self Control Lab at the University of Michigan</p> <p>Recorded before a live audience of teen students at Choate Rosemary Hall.</p><p>See <a href="https://omnystudio.com/listener">omnystudio.com/listener</a> for privacy information.</p>
Actionable Insights

1. Be Proactive in Emotion Management

Don’t passively experience emotions; actively use specific tactics to prevent negative reactions or enhance positive ones. This empowers you to strategically influence your emotional state.

2. Embrace Easy Emotion Regulation Tools

Recognize that managing emotions doesn’t have to be difficult; many simple tools exist to make emotion regulation effortless, leading to greater happiness if you familiarize yourself with them.

3. Wield Your Emotional Influence Responsibly

Understand that you have a powerful impact on the emotional lives of others who seek your support, and take this as a serious responsibility to guide them constructively.

4. Select Wise Emotional Advisors

Choose people who not only listen and empathize but also help broaden your perspective, de-escalate situations, and shift towards problem-solving, rather than those who simply ’egg on’ negative emotions.

5. Audit Your Emotional Advisory Board

Create a list of people you discuss problems with, then identify and prioritize those who consistently listen, empathize, and help reframe your circumstances positively.

6. Manage Ineffective Emotional Advisors

For people who don’t provide constructive emotional support, either limit discussing major problems with them or gently educate them on more effective ways to offer support.

7. Understand Emotional Contagion

Be aware that you easily ‘catch’ emotions from others, especially negative ones, which empowers you to be more proactive in managing your emotional environment and interactions.

8. Actively Introduce Positive Group Energy

Recognize your agency to plant ‘seeds’ of optimism, humor, or positive energy in a downcast group, knowing these positive emotions can spread and create a beneficial ripple effect.

9. Compassionately Intervene in Negative Group Moods

If individuals consistently display negative emotions affecting a group, intervene with compassion, explaining how emotional contagion works, to prevent a decline in morale.

10. Use Positive Non-Verbal Cues

In social interactions, display positive facial expressions like gentle smiles and raised cheekbones to convey positive signals, which can make others feel better through emotional contagion.

11. Accept Social Comparison as Natural

Recognize that making social comparisons is an inherent human tendency, not a weakness, which can be liberating and help you manage these comparisons more effectively.

12. Proactively ‘Weaponize’ Social Comparisons

Instead of passively letting social comparisons affect you, actively use them strategically as tools to motivate, inspire, or foster gratitude for personal benefit.

13. Leverage Upward Comparison for Motivation

When comparing yourself to someone outperforming you, reframe it as inspiration by thinking, ‘If they achieved this, so can I,’ using their success as proof of your own potential.

14. Analyze Actions Behind Others’ Success

To deepen motivation from upward comparisons, actively ask what specific actions or ‘hard stuff’ successful people are doing that you are not, to inform your own choices.

15. Seek the ‘Bronze Lining’ in Comparisons

When evaluating your achievements, compare yourself to those who performed worse or didn’t achieve anything, rather than those slightly better, to foster elation and gratitude.

16. Reframe Downward Comparisons with Gratitude

When observing someone doing worse than you, instead of feeling anxious, consciously reframe it as ‘How grateful am I this hasn’t happened to me’ to foster gratitude.

17. Reframe Potential Tragedies with Gratitude

When encountering news of misfortune, instead of dwelling on ‘what if that happens to me,’ consciously flip your perspective to ‘How lucky am I that this didn’t happen to me’ to foster gratitude and reduce anxiety.

18. Reframe Anxiety as Readiness

When experiencing physiological symptoms of anxiety, interpret them not as a threat but as your body rising to the occasion or an internal cue to prepare, which can reduce anxiety.

19. Reframe Others’ Failures as Opportunities

As a parent or mentor, react to setbacks by reframing them as ‘cool opportunities’ rather than expressing upset, as your reaction significantly shapes their emotional response.

20. Reframe Solitude as Restoration

Instead of viewing being alone as negative, reframe it as an opportunity to rest, restore, and be with your thoughts, which can lead to feeling better during solitary moments.

21. Mirror Behavior to Build Rapport

To foster connection and show you’re listening, subtly mimic the non-verbal behavior (e.g., posture, gestures) of someone you admire or want to befriend.