Understand forgiveness as a gift where you, the injured person, choose not to count the wrongdoing against the injurer, effectively ‘unsticking the deed from the doer’ to relate to them as if the wrong had not occurred.
Understand that forgiveness is not a single event but a messy, gradual, and ongoing practice, involving repeatedly forgiving and re-committing to forgiveness over time, rather than expecting perfection.
Utilize forgiveness as an essential step to heal and reconstitute relationships, especially those from which you cannot easily exit, by opening up the possibility for a shared future.
To forgive yourself, differentiate between your core self and your actions, recognizing that there is an essential, untouched core within you that is worthy of love, separate from any wrongdoings or sufferings.
When faced with life’s setbacks, remember the Stoics and try to embrace these challenges, feeling pride in your ability to cheerfully bounce back from misfortune.
Adopt the fundamental stance of loving your enemy or wrongdoer, understanding that forgiveness is the primary way to express this love.
Commit to forgiving an infinite number of times, rather than setting a limit, as a fundamental stance towards others’ wrongdoings.
Before forgiving, fundamentally recognize that a wrongdoing has occurred and that injustice needs to be addressed, as forgiveness is not about disregarding the wrong.
Do not confuse forgiveness with making everything okay, saying the action was all right, or ignoring the need for justice; forgiveness applies to significant injuries and acknowledges that a wrong has occurred.
Approach forgiveness as a voluntary act, recognizing that it cannot be forced, and wait until you genuinely feel ready to give it as a gift.
Live with the provisional nature of forgiveness, accepting that the good achieved might be broken or imperfect, but is nonetheless the good that’s worth pursuing.
If part of a religious tradition, invoke and quote scriptural texts or grand stories to nudge, propel, and justify the act of forgiveness, helping to align your character with desired virtues.
Consider directly expressing your forgiveness to the person who wronged you, as this can bring a sense of release and new growth to both parties involved.
When relationships are disturbed, concentrate on the sacred, unchangeable core of the other person, loving and holding their integrity, which can help transform relationships.