Allow children significantly more autonomy and intervene minimally in their lives to foster resilience and independence, as this is the opposite of what many anxious parents believe is the path to success.
Put your own ‘oxygen mask on first’ by actively taking care of your mental health, as studies show parents parent less effectively and intervene more when feeling threatened or overwhelmed.
Engage in self-compassion by reminding yourself that parenting is inherently difficult and that beating yourself up for struggles does not help improve your parenting decisions.
Actively work to regulate your worries about your child’s potential struggles or failures, using techniques like deep breathing or radical acceptance, as this will lead to better parenting decisions.
Focus on your child’s preparation and practice, valuing the learning process and skill development rather than solely worrying about specific achievements like trophies or test grades.
Tag your children in for more household duties and daily life skills, such as cooking, cleaning, or caring for pets, to ensure they develop capability and good judgment for their future.
Let your children experience ’life’s beautiful F-words’ like failing, fumbling, and floundering, as these are crucial learning experiences that teach coping mechanisms and build resilience.
Resist the urge to perform basic tasks for your children, such as tying shoes, cutting meat, or bathing them, to allow them to develop independence and learn to do things for themselves.
Allow children to experience the natural consequences of their mistakes, like forgetting a backpack or sporting equipment, rather than rescuing them, as this is how they learn to remember and become more responsible.
Resist the urge to step in and fix all of your child’s mistakes or navigate conflicts for them unless they explicitly ask for your help, allowing them to develop problem-solving skills.
Adopt a ‘warm demander’ approach by setting high expectations, believing in your child’s capabilities, and creating space for them to try challenging things, while also being present to offer support when truly needed.
Intentionally create more opportunities for your children to fail in environments where the stakes are lower, which helps both the kid and parent feel less pressure and encourages persistence.
If you feel the powerful urge to intervene, count to 20 slowly in your head to give your child time to figure things out on their own before you step in.
When tempted to intervene, distract yourself with other tasks like putting away dishes or cleaning, and wait for your child to ask for help if they genuinely need it.
If your child is struggling for a long time, offer a hint or a guiding question (e.g., ‘I wonder what would happen if…’) instead of providing the direct solution, to preserve their autonomy.
Set aside your own aspirations for your children and embrace who they truly are, focusing on their interests and helping them become better at being that person, rather than who you wished they would be.
Do not force your children into specific career paths or life choices that they do not genuinely desire, as this can lead to profound unhappiness and a feeling of being a ‘drone’ in their own lives.
Be willing to pivot your parenting approach to align with and support your child’s authentic self and interests, even if it means letting go of your preconceived notions of their future.
Provide your children with fundamental support like ’light, water, and love,’ but then allow them the freedom to grow and become who they are meant to be, like wildflowers, rather than trying to shape them artificially.
Recognize that autonomy should be granted incrementally as children grow; while parents need to make all decisions for infants and toddlers, they should gradually put older children in the ‘driver’s seat.’
Do not force your children into overly busy schedules or enrichment activities they don’t enjoy, as these ‘cages of enrichment’ can hinder their autonomy and lead to anxiety.
Determine the worthiness of activities based on what your child genuinely enjoys, rather than what you believe will give them an advantage or impress others.
Refrain from performing tasks for your adult children, such as doing their laundry, intervening in roommate disputes, or dictating their major, as this prevents them from developing essential life skills.
Ensure that your children understand and experience the link between their effort and the rewards or outcomes they receive, avoiding giving praise or ‘pellets of love’ without genuine work.