Actively choose friendship over other demands, such as work or family guilt, because relationships are what truly matter in life and often get deprioritized.
When you have a positive thought about a friend, such as a memory or appreciation for a gift, immediately send a text, make a call, or email them. Research shows these small gestures matter more and are less awkward than you might think, often leading to deeper connections.
Take the initiative to suggest specific plans like a coffee date, shopping trip, or movie outing, as people are often receptive but too busy to organize themselves.
Challenge the ’liking gap’ bias, which makes you assume people like you less than they actually do, and remember that any social connection, even with an acquaintance or barista, contributes to well-being.
When you feel an urge to do something nice or connect with a friend, don’t get caught up in overthinking the ‘competency’ of your gesture (e.g., if it’s the perfect gift or message). The recipient will primarily appreciate the warmth and thought behind it, regardless of perfection.
Recognize that everyone has different, often unspoken, definitions of what constitutes a friendship (e.g., celebrating birthdays, frequency of contact). Openly discuss these expectations with close friends to avoid misunderstandings and resentment.
Understand that friendships can shift categories over time (e.g., from intimate to relational) due to life changes, and this doesn’t signify failure. Allow for distance when friends are going through personal struggles, knowing it may not be permanent.
Learn about personality frameworks, such as the Four Tendencies (Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, Rebels), to better understand how different people approach expectations and relationships. This can foster empathy and reduce conflict.
Adjust your approach based on a friend’s personality type; for example, if a friend is a ‘rebel’ who dislikes scheduled commitments, suggest spontaneous, last-minute meetups instead of planning far in advance.
If a friend, especially an ‘obliger,’ appears overwhelmed and experiencing ‘obliger rebellion’ (burnout from too many external demands), proactively suggest postponing plans without making them feel guilty or pressured.
Leverage communal activities like book clubs, yoga classes, or parent groups as starting points for new friendships, as these settings provide shared values and activities that can evolve into deeper connections.
Intentionally manage your friendship circle by keeping a small, tight group for intimate connections while maintaining a larger pool of acquaintances for broader social interaction.
Focus on the quality and engagement of time spent with friends rather than the sheer length or frequency of interactions, as deep connections can be maintained even with less frequent but highly engaged meetups.
Adopt a proactive goal of making at least one new friend each year, inspired by figures like Hillary Clinton, to continuously expand your social circle, especially in adulthood when it can be challenging.
Demonstrate the value of friendships to your children by actively engaging with your friends, having people over, and participating in social activities. This shows them that adult life includes fun and meaningful relationships.