Instead of rigidly following self-imposed or external rules, shift your focus to living by your personal values. This means identifying what is important, meaningful, and purposeful to you, and aligning your actions with those intrinsic motivators.
Instead of viewing performance as all-or-nothing (where one mistake makes you a total failure), evaluate it as “both/and.” This means recognizing you can be a good person or professional who sometimes makes mistakes, creating wiggle room for inevitable human errors.
Use cognitive diffusion to create space between yourself and self-critical thoughts by recognizing them as just thoughts, not absolute truths. This helps diffuse their power and provides perspective.
To exert power over self-critical thoughts, play with them by changing their presentation. For example, picture them on a coffee mug, sing them aloud, imagine them skywritten, or add kooky elements like a clown nose or a 70s soundtrack to disturbing mental images.
Learn to attend to self-critical thoughts like background music in a coffee shop or grocery store. Acknowledge they are there and you can hear them, but choose not to actively listen or let them dictate your actions, recognizing they are just ‘what happens’ in your brain.
Instead of trying to generate elaborate self-compassionate speeches, practice self-compassion through simple words like ’easy’ or ‘it’s okay,’ or by taking small, kind actions for yourself. This could mean enjoying your coffee, taking a longer shower, or going to the gym if it helps, or skipping it if that’s what you truly need.
A significant act of self-compassion, especially for perfectionists, is to give yourself permission not to fulfill all the expectations you place on yourself. This allows you to remove items from your mental plate without needing to change external circumstances.
Instead of viewing asking for help, taking advice, or being vulnerable as a failure, recognize when your current approach isn’t working. Actively seek support, as this signals trust to others and fosters connection, moving away from the perfectionist belief that you must earn belonging by doing everything perfectly.
When facing demand resistance (procrastination due to feeling overloaded by ‘shoulds’), reconnect with the underlying values. For tasks like email, focus on the person you’re replying to and the value of that relationship to free up your motivation and reduce resistance.
Challenge the internal rule that you must always be productive or self-improving by daring to be unproductive. Instead, allow yourself to pursue activities that genuinely look interesting, fun, or cool, tuning into what your mind naturally gravitates towards.
Pay attention to feelings of coercion or obligation, such as thinking ‘I have to’ or ‘I should’ do something. These feelings are a signal that you might be operating under a rigid rule and can prompt you to ease up or reconsider your approach.
Recognize that self-critical thoughts often follow a predictable ‘script’ after certain events (e.g., interviews, exams, parties). Instead of reacting by working harder or seeking reassurance, simply observe these thoughts as a recurring pattern your brain exhibits, without letting them dictate your self-worth or future actions.
Acknowledge that you may still have internal rules or urges to be productive constantly, but recognize that you don’t have to listen to them. Instead, choose to run towards what is purposeful, interesting, or meaningful, allowing your mindset to shift without necessarily changing external actions.
You don’t need to make drastic changes to combat perfectionism; even being 5% less hard on yourself or 10% kinder can be effective. Focus on subtly changing your relationship with self-criticism and over-evaluation, rather than trying to eliminate them entirely.
When your inner voice tells you that you are not enough, actively fight back by affirming, ‘I am.’ This simple statement challenges self-criticism and reinforces self-acceptance.