Cultivate self-compassion by being kind, supportive, and warm to yourself, especially when you fail or make a mistake, as this provides the emotional resources needed to try again and persist longer.
Stop actively haranguing yourself, saying cruel things, or cataloging your faults, because this ‘boot camp brutality’ is self-defeating and counterproductive, inhibiting your ability to make productive change and making you less safe.
Do not be overly hard on yourself, ruthlessly identify past faults, set the bar super high, or embark on punishing regimes (like strict diets or brutal exercise plans) to achieve goals, as these strategies don’t work and lead to losing morale and giving up.
Be critical of specific actions or behaviors you’ve done if they caused harm or need to change, as this is healthy. However, avoid criticism aimed at your core self, such as believing ‘I am a mistake’ or ‘I am bad’ just because you made a mistake, as this is unhealthy and debilitating.
Understand self-compassion as having three parts: being kind, warm, and supportive to yourself; practicing mindfulness to be present with and accept pain; and recognizing common humanity by remembering that all human beings struggle.
Practice mindfulness by being present and aware of your painful feelings, difficult thoughts, or emotions, and accepting that they are there non-judgmentally without trying to suppress or avoid them, as this is the foundation for self-compassion.
Combat feelings of isolation and self-pity by actively remembering that suffering, difficulties, and mistakes are universal human experiences, connecting you to others rather than making you feel alone.
Take ‘baby steps’ in self-compassion by consciously choosing kinder words and a nicer tone when you talk to yourself, as consistent practice can transform your inner voice into a kind and supportive coach.
Actively choose to be a good parent to yourself by meeting your own needs, supporting yourself, and offering warmth, acceptance, and encouragement, which provides the emotional resources needed for positive change.
When you make a mistake, respond to yourself with the same love and support you would offer a child, acknowledging that everyone fails, and then focus on how to learn and improve rather than shaming yourself.
Shift your motivation from fear-based self-criticism to love-based self-compassion, approaching your goals with a supportive attitude that asks ‘How can I help myself?’ to achieve them more effectively and without unintended consequences like anxiety.
Cultivate self-compassion so that you know you will not abandon or criticize yourself if you fail, which makes it safe to take risks, reduces procrastination, and allows you to learn effectively from mistakes, which are your best teacher.
Embrace the paradox that accepting yourself, including your imperfections, through self-compassion provides the warmth needed for healing and the feeling of care that motivates you to make changes and do better next time.
Practice both tender self-compassion, which involves self-acceptance and healing, and fierce self-compassion, which means bravely taking action to alleviate suffering, protect yourself, set boundaries, make necessary changes, and provide for your own needs.
When you feel threatened by your own mistakes or failures, consciously switch from your natural fight, flight, or freeze defense system to your mammalian care system by treating yourself with the same warmth, care, and support you would offer a good friend.
Understand that practicing self-compassion is additive, not subtractive; the more compassion you give yourself for your own difficulties, the more resources you will have to give warmth, support, and acceptance to others.
To practice self-compassion, either directly offer yourself kindness, imagine what you would say to a dear friend in the same situation and apply it to yourself, or recall how a compassionate person in your life would respond and use that as a template.
Apply the self-compassion recipe by first being mindful and validating your current pain, then remembering your common humanity by acknowledging you’re not alone in struggle, and finally actively giving yourself kindness through words or touch.
Give yourself physical touch, such as placing your hands on your heart, to convey kindness and support, as this taps into the mammalian care system and helps you feel cared for and soothed.
Instead of striving for perfection, aim to be a ‘compassionate mess’ by accepting your imperfections while allowing self-care to motivate you to ask what you can do to help yourself and take action.
Envision yourself as your own ultimate compassionate coach who is wise enough to identify what truly needs to change, but then supports and guides you with kindness to achieve those changes, rather than resorting to harsh criticism or yelling.
To deepen your self-compassion practice, explore Kristen Neff’s books and step-by-step self-compassion meditations, including her book ‘Fierce Self-Compassion’.