Actively confront disagreements in your relationship rather than avoiding or burying them, as this is key to a long and healthy partnership.
Cease all forms of contempt, such as sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, or looking down on your partner, because it is extremely destructive to the relationship and can harm your partner’s immune system.
Refrain from criticizing your partner by blaming problems on their personality flaws (e.g., “you’re so lazy”), as this is one of the most destructive communication patterns.
Avoid responding to perceived attacks with defensiveness, which includes counterattacking or whining, as it prevents productive conflict resolution.
Do not stonewall your partner by shutting down, avoiding eye contact, or showing no response during conflict, as this indicates you are in a fight-or-flight state and prevents engagement.
In conflicts, seek to understand the deeper “hidden agenda” – your partner’s underlying values, core needs, ideal dreams, or past experiences – rather than focusing only on surface issues.
To uncover hidden agendas, ask your partner questions like: “Is there some value or ideal dream that’s part of your position on this issue?” or “Do you have some childhood history relating to this?”
When working on compromise, divide your position into an “inflexible part” (core needs, values, ideal dreams you cannot give up) and “flexible things” (details like who, what, where, when, how much).
After understanding each other’s hidden agendas and flexible/inflexible needs, work towards compromises that maximize satisfaction for both parties, rather than requiring one to sacrifice.
Ensure power is shared equally in your relationship, avoiding a dominance hierarchy where one person controls and the other is subordinate, as this dynamic ultimately leads to loneliness and failure.
Accept influence from your partner, as this counterintuitively makes you more influential in the relationship and fosters reciprocity, trust, and commitment.
Be mindful of how you initiate conflict conversations, as the first three minutes are incredibly important and highly predictive of the conversation’s outcome and the relationship’s long-term success.
When bringing up a complaint, describe your own feelings (“I feel stressed,” “I feel disappointed”) and then state “about what” (the situation), rather than blaming your partner.
Do not “kitchen sink” by stockpiling grievances and unleashing all your complaints at once, as this overwhelms your partner and triggers a fight-or-flight response.
Bring up your complaints one at a time as they matter to you, rather than letting them accumulate, to prevent overwhelming your partner and allow for focused resolution.
As a listener, respond to your partner’s complaints with empathy and validation, starting by summarizing what you heard them say to show you understand.
Express validation for your partner’s feelings by acknowledging that their emotions make sense to you, even if you don’t agree with their viewpoint, to foster connection.
Actively make repair attempts during conflicts to fix missteps, and graciously receive your partner’s repair attempts as positive intentions to improve the situation.
If you feel criticized or put down during a conflict, use the repair phrase, “I’m feeling defensive. Could you say that another way?” to prevent defensiveness and prompt a gentler approach.
When you see someone struggling (e.g., a parent with a tantruming child), offer empathetic words and validation without criticism to help reduce their stress and make them feel less alone.