← The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos

Ask for Help... and Spread Happiness

Oct 30, 2023 25m 3s 16 insights
<p>Jia Jiang dreamed of being the next Bill Gates... but an entrepreneur needs the courage and confidence to ask for help. Jia was terrified of rejection - so couldn't fulfil his ambitions. That is, until he decided to beat his fear by seeking out rejection after rejection for a full 100 days. </p> <p>Many of us share Jia's nervousness about appearing vulnerable and needy, but the science suggests that we <em>and</em> the people around us would be happier if we asked them for help more often.   </p><p>See <a href="https://omnystudio.com/listener">omnystudio.com/listener</a> for privacy information.</p>
Actionable Insights

1. Recognize Joy in Helping

Understand that people genuinely enjoy doing kind things for others, and helping makes them feel good, which is a universal psychological truth.

2. Frame Help as a Gift

View asking for help as giving others an opportunity to do something kind for you, thereby making them feel good and fostering connection.

3. Challenge Fear of Rejection

Recognize that fears about asking for help are often exaggerated and miscalibrated, as people tend to respond more positively and be more willing to help than expected.

4. Practice Rejection Exposure Therapy

Confront your fear of rejection by intentionally asking for help or favors, starting with mild challenges and gradually building up to more significant requests.

5. Start Small, Gradually Expand

Begin your rejection therapy journey with small, low-stakes requests to test the waters, then progressively increase the difficulty to expand your comfort zone over time.

6. Analyze Interactions for Learning

Review your experiences, possibly by filming them, to understand your own reactions and identify missed opportunities, using this feedback to improve future interactions.

7. Stay Engaged After ‘No’

If initially rejected, do not immediately disengage; instead, stay calm, negotiate, or explain your request, as this can lead to a more positive outcome or feeling.

8. Embrace Vulnerability

Have the courage to expose your vulnerabilities and ignore worries about seeming needy, as people often like you better when you show weakness or seek their help, making you more relatable.

9. Build Bonds Through Mutual Help

Strengthen relationships by asking for help and opinions, and being vulnerable with others, as this give-and-take dynamic increases the bond you have with each other.

10. Shift Negative Mindset

Actively change any negative mindset you have about soliciting assistance, as your internal tension can make interactions uncomfortable for everyone involved.

11. Relax About Potential Rejection

Come to terms with and relax about the possibility of being rebuffed, understanding that if you are open to rejection, you give yourself the freedom to ask whatever you want.

12. Grant Freedom to Decline

Give the other person the explicit freedom to say no to your request, which can put them at ease and make the interaction more comfortable for both parties.

13. Acknowledge Request Difficulty

When making a request, explicitly state that you know it might be big or weird and that it’s okay if they can’t do it, which helps alleviate their potential doubts upfront.

14. Reflect on Being a Helper

If you feel guilty about asking for help, think back to how you felt when someone asked you for assistance, considering whether you would truly be annoyed if the situation were reversed.

15. Create Public Accountability

To ensure you stick with your commitment to overcome fear, publicly declare your intentions, as knowing others are aware can prevent you from quitting easily.

16. Offer Opportunities for Support

Proactively give the people in your life opportunities to support and care for you, as this will make both them and you feel much better than you expect.