Recognize that discussions comprise practical (problem-solving), emotional (empathy-seeking), and social (relationship-defining) conversations. To truly connect, ensure you and the other person are having the same type of conversation at the same time, applying the ‘matching principle’.
To prove you’re listening and foster trust, repeat back what you heard in your own words and ask if you got it right. This technique is especially powerful in conflicts and helps you stay present and truly understand the other person’s ‘story’.
Shift from asking about facts to asking ‘deep questions’ that explore others’ values, beliefs, and experiences. This helps you learn something meaningful about them and is crucial for building connections, especially in new relationships.
Instead of trying to ‘perspective take’ (assuming you know what it’s like to be someone else), practice ‘perspective getting’ by directly asking others what their experience is like. This approach acknowledges your limitations and invites them to share their unique perspective.
When someone shares something vulnerable (even small), reciprocate by sharing something vulnerable about yourself in return. This ’emotional contagion’ builds trust and liking, as vulnerability is a powerful form of communication that makes people listen closely.
Show you want to connect by matching the mood (positive/negative) and energy/intensity (low/high) of others’ emotions. This non-linguistic expression helps synchronize brains and makes others feel heard and understood.
Before engaging in a conversation, especially a difficult one, take a moment (e.g., 10 seconds) to clarify your own goal for the discussion and the mood you hope to establish. This reduces anxiety and helps guide the interaction.
In conflicts or when someone is upset, explicitly ask them what kind of interaction they need (e.g., ‘Do you want me to help solve this problem, or do you just want me to listen?’). This ensures both parties are on the same page about the conversation’s purpose.
Shift your mindset during conflict from ‘winning’ to mutually understanding each other’s perspectives and ‘stories.’ Success in conflict means both parties feel understood, even if they still disagree.
Before tough conversations, anticipate potential obstacles (e.g., defensiveness, awkwardness) and plan how to address them. You can also explicitly acknowledge these challenges at the start of the dialogue, which makes them less scary and helps move beyond them.
In conflicts, jointly control the environment (e.g., postpone a fight until well-rested) and the scope of the discussion (e.g., stick to the specific topic like ‘Thanksgiving’ rather than letting it escalate to broader issues). This shared control helps manage the interaction.
In digital communication, intentionally overemphasize politeness (e.g., using ‘please’ and ’thank you’ more often) to lower the conversation’s temperature and ensure your tone is not misinterpreted as brusque or rude.
Before sending written digital messages, reread them without letting your internal voice dictate the tone. This helps identify if the message might be misinterpreted or come across differently than intended, as vocal tone is absent in text.
Invest time and energy into fostering deep and meaningful relationships, as these are strongly correlated with long-term health, happiness, and success. Quality of connection matters more than quantity.
Despite potential disappointments in dating or relationship building, persist in investing energy to find and cultivate deep connections. This effort is worthwhile and pays off in life’s meaning and overall well-being.
Consciously practice communication skills like looping for understanding and asking deep questions until they become instinctual habits. This consistent effort transforms your interactions and resolves many common communication problems.