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You're Doing Resolutions Wrong. Here's How to Fix It. | Dr. Laurie Santos

Jan 6, 2021 53m 19 insights
New Year's Series Episode 4. Today we're going to dive into the science behind why so many of us get New Year's resolutions so wrong -- and how we can do better. My guest is Dr. Laurie Santos. As you may remember, she made her debut on this show just over a month ago, in an episode about how to handle the pandemic winter blues. She was such a font of practical wisdom that we almost immediately invited her back.  Laurie is a tenured psychology professor at Yale, where she teaches a massively popular course on happiness. She also hosts an excellent podcast called The Happiness Lab, where right now, she's doing a series of episodes along a very similar theme--what she's calling "anti-resolutions"--so I definitely recommend checking that out.  In today's conversation, we talk about why resolutions are a thing in the first place; why they so often go pear-shaped; and common pitfalls and misunderstandings in our attempts to lose weight, exercise more, or make more money. As we've been stressing in our New Year's series, Laurie argues that one powerful antidote to our resolution morass is self-compassion. As we've been saying throughout our series, the research shows that self-compassion is much better fuel for habit change than our usual mode of shame. I have been referring to it as a kind of uber-habit, out of which all other habits can flow.  Join Laurie Santos in the New Year's Challenge: https://challenges.tenpercent.com/?challenge=new-years-2021&challenge_invite=gDTcpTfZgSdFXZvhtG6u3sSe&challenge_title=New%20Year%27s%20Challenge    How to join the New Year's Challenge: Join the New Year's Challenge by downloading the Ten Percent Happier app : https://10percenthappier.app.link/install. You should be prompted to join the Challenge after registering your account. If you've already downloaded the app, just open it up or visit this link to join: https://10percenthappier.app.link/NewYearsChallenge21 Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/laurie-santos-312
Actionable Insights

1. Cultivate Self-Compassion for Habits

Prioritize developing self-compassion because research shows it’s much more effective than shame for motivating healthy habits and acts as an ‘uber habit’ from which other positive changes can flow.

2. Prioritize Mindset & Behavior Shifts

Focus resolutions on changing mindsets and behaviors, such as becoming more present, grateful, or compassionate, rather than solely on external circumstances like body size or salary, as these have a more lasting impact on well-being.

3. Self-Compassion Aids Goal Achievement

Boosting self-compassion can naturally lead to healthier eating, increased physical activity, reduced procrastination, and greater persistence in difficult projects, making it easier to achieve other resolutions.

4. Self-Compassion Builds Resilience

Practice self-compassion to foster resilience and a growth mindset, as it helps overcome the fear of failure and reduces procrastination and imposter syndrome by making you more accepting of mistakes.

5. Combat Procrastination with Kindness

Address procrastination by adopting a self-compassionate approach, which reduces the fear of failure and the negative self-talk associated with mistakes, making it easier to start and persist with difficult tasks.

6. Utilize Fresh Start Effect

Leverage natural temporal breaks like New Year’s Day, Monday mornings, or birthdays, as these are times when motivation is naturally higher, making it easier to initiate new goals.

7. Adopt Mindful Eating Practices

Instead of strict dieting, engage in mindful eating by compassionately choosing foods that make your body feel good, focusing on nourishment rather than changing appearance.

8. Practice Intuitive Eating

Listen to your body’s signals and eat what feels good and nourishing, stopping when full, rather than adhering to rigid diet rules or external statistics.

9. Exercise with Compassion

Approach exercise by asking what kind of movement would feel kind to your body, choosing activities that are enjoyable and beneficial rather than adopting a harsh, military-style regimen.

10. Tailor Exercise to Body’s Needs

Pay attention to your body’s signals to determine the type of exercise needed, whether it’s a gentle, restorative practice or a more intense workout, to ensure it feels good and is effective.

11. Integrate Social & Nature Exercise

Enhance exercise enjoyment and motivation by engaging in activities with others (e.g., online classes, socially distanced hikes) or by exercising outdoors in nature.

12. Don’t Obsess Over Deprivation

Avoid telling your brain not to do something (e.g., ’no cookies’), as this often leads to obsession with the forbidden item; instead, focus on positive, kind choices for your body.

13. Re-evaluate Financial Happiness Goals

Prioritize financial goals like building an emergency nest egg or addressing poverty, but recognize that for those in stable middle-class incomes, more money does not necessarily lead to greater happiness due to hedonic adaptation.

14. Manage Craving with Gratitude

Counter the natural human tendency to constantly crave more by practicing gratitude for what you already possess and using techniques like meditation to control and accept cravings rather than endlessly pursuing more.

15. Allow Space for Grieving

Give yourself permission to grieve and process negative emotions, especially after challenging periods, rather than expecting only positivity, as this is crucial for mental well-being.

16. Self-Compassion Isn’t Ego

Understand that self-compassion is about cultivating basic warmth and care for yourself, not about ego, vanity, or self-aggrandizement, and it involves being okay with your own suffering.

17. Self-Compassion Improves Relationships

Practicing self-compassion frees up mental energy from self-criticism, making you more available and present for others, which can lead to happier and stronger relationships.

18. Self-Compassion Fuels Giving

Recognize that self-compassion is not selfish; by protecting your own boundaries and being kind to yourself, you prevent depletion and have more energy and capacity to give back to others.

19. Develop Universal Compassion Muscle

View compassion as a universal muscle that strengthens with practice, whether directed at yourself or others, leading to an enhanced ability to soothe and be compassionate in all your relationships.