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You Don't Have to be Alone to be Lonely | Former Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy

Apr 13, 2020 1h 27m 22 insights
Our guest this week gives a bracingly candid account of loneliness - one made all the more remarkable by the fact that he is a former surgeon general. Even before the current coronavirus pandemic, we were in the midst of another, quieter pandemic: loneliness. The term sounds somewhat unpleasant, but make no mistake: loneliness is, in fact, a deeply pernicious and insidious state, both psychologically and physiologically. And now, with all the social distancing we're doing, the loneliness problem is on steroids. This problem touches those not only people who live alone, but also those of us who may be surrounded by family. Loneliness doesn't require you to be alone. As you will hear, it's more about the quality of your relationships. Our guest, Dr. Vivek Murthy is, as mentioned, the former surgeon general. He has just published a book about loneliness, called "Together." We're doing this episode in a bit of a different way. We actually interviewed Vivek twice. The first time I spoke to him was right before the pandemic truly took off in the U.S.. He gave an incredible interview that we were excited to post. But then things really went haywire with the virus, so we wanted to have him on to talk about that. So we'll do this episode in two parts. First, you'll hear the newer interview - which is more topical. Then you'll hear the earlier interview, where he goes into greater depth. Where to find Dr. Vivek Murthy online: Website: https://www.vivekmurthy.com/ Book: https://www.vivekmurthy.com/together-book Social Media: Twitter: https://twitter.com/vivek_murthy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrVivekMurthy/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drvivekmurthy Other Resources Mentioned: RULER at YALE http://ei.yale.edu/ruler/ruler-overview/ Additional Resources: Ten Percent Happier Live: https://tenpercent.com/live Coronavirus Sanity Guide: https://www.tenpercent.com/coronavirussanityguide Free App access for Health Care Workers: https://tenpercent.com/care Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/vivek-murthy-238
Actionable Insights

1. Cultivate Self-Knowledge, Self-Compassion

Strengthen your connection to self by developing self-knowledge (understanding who you are) and self-compassion (recognizing your value and worth), which are critical for being comfortable with yourself.

2. Prioritize Solitude for Grounding

Make time for solitude to quiet external and internal noise, focus on yourself, and just ‘be,’ which helps manage stress, center yourself, and enables deeper connections with others.

3. Meditate for Self-Connection

Utilize meditation as a powerful tool to strengthen your connection with yourself, aiding in self-knowledge and self-compassion.

4. Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation

Engage in loving-kindness (Metta) meditations to cultivate self-compassion and rebuild your connection with yourself.

5. Reorganize Life Around Relationships

Recognize loneliness as a universal risk and prioritize relationships, which will necessitate reorganizing your life to center around fostering strong connections.

6. Re-evaluate Life Priorities

Use challenging times as an opportunity to re-examine how you live and your priorities, considering if focusing on the quality of relationships could lead to more fulfillment.

7. Prioritize Social Engagements

Make a conscious effort to prioritize social connections, such as regularly having lunch with friends, accepting social plans even when inconvenient, and making time for mentoring, as this can be incredibly rewarding.

8. Connect with Loved Ones Daily

Dedicate 5-10 minutes daily to reach out to someone you love, ideally via video conference to see their face and hear their voice, or by phone call or text, to check on them and let them know you’re thinking of them.

9. Reduce Distraction in Conversations

Improve the quality of interactions by reducing multitasking and distractions (e.g., refreshing social media, checking email) during conversations, as even five minutes of focused interaction is more impactful than 30 minutes of distracted conversation.

10. Create a Focus Pact

When on calls with multiple people, explicitly suggest making a pact to focus solely on each other for the duration of the conversation (e.g., 10-15 minutes) to improve interaction quality and mutual motivation.

11. Practice Active Listening

Improve communication and connection by practicing active listening, which involves reflecting back what people are saying, making them feel heard and validated.

12. Engage in Service to Combat Loneliness

Serve other people as a powerful way to combat loneliness; it builds immediate positive connections and reminds you of your own value and worth to the world.

13. Perform Simple Acts of Service

Simple acts of service, like reaching out to a struggling neighbor or friend, or dropping off food to a colleague, can be incredibly powerful in strengthening human connection.

14. Spend Time with Trusted Friends

Ensure you spend time with good friends who truly know you, as they can act as ‘mirrors’ to remind you of your inherent value and help clarify who you are when you forget.

15. Initiate Small Positive Interactions

Engage in small, positive interactions with strangers, such as a simple smile or greeting, as these can significantly boost your mood and make you feel less lonely.

16. Be Emotionally Present with Children

Strive to be emotionally present with your children, not just physically, as they often remind us of the importance of being fully engaged and focused on the quality of time spent together.

17. Practice Centering Techniques

Find centeredness through practices like meditation (even for five minutes), sitting outside to breathe and feel the wind, or taking five minutes to reflect on three things you’re grateful for.

18. Practice Self-Compassion

Be gentle and compassionate with yourself and others, recognizing that current extraordinary stresses (like a pandemic) are unprecedented and not something people are trained for.

19. Find Comfort in Shared Struggle

Recognize that current struggles (like loneliness and stress during a pandemic) are a shared experience, which can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation.

20. Advocate for People-Centered Structures

Advocate for and work towards structuring workplaces, schools, government, and public policy around the importance of human connection to build a more people-centered society.

21. Offer Workplace Meditation Training

Consider offering meditation training in your workplace to help ground and strengthen employees, especially those who are highly driven and at risk of burnout.

22. Purchase ‘10% Happier’ Book

Consider purchasing the book ‘10% Happier’ as an ebook ($1.99) or audiobook ($6.99) while it’s on sale (through Monday, April 20th), especially if you need information about meditation during stressful times.