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Why We're All Grieving - and How To Deal With It | David Kessler

Apr 20, 2020 43m 58s 26 insights
<p>Most, if not all, of us are experiencing a cocktail of challenging emotions these days - whether in the background or in the foreground of our psyche. Speaking personally, I thought my primary issue was anxiety, but I had a vague sense that maybe it was more than that. Then I read an excellent, widely-circulated article that put a name to at least one aspect of my nameless, miasmatic dread. The article was from the Harvard Business Review, and the headline was, "That Discomfort You're Feeling is Grief." The article featured an interview with a grief expert named David Kessler, who explained that there are many flavors of grief. Some of us are grieving people we've lost, but millions more are grieving a way of life or a sense of security that seems lost - or we're experiencing anticipatory grief about an uncertain future. Not only was it helpful for Kessler to name this phenomenon, but he also had a bunch of excellent thoughts about how to manage it, including the exhortation to find meaning in this mess. In fact, that's the name of his new book: Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. So we invited him on. Here he is: David Kessler. Where to find David Kessler online: Website: https://grief.com/ Social Media: Twitter: @IamDavidKessler / https://twitter.com/iamdavidkessler Instagram: @iamdavidkessler / https://www.instagram.com/iamdavidkessler/ Facebook: David Kessler / https://www.facebook.com/IamDavidKessler/ Books Mentioned: Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief / https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Sixth-Stage-Grief/dp/1501192736 On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss / https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Grieving-Finding-Meaning-Through/dp/0743266293 Other Resources Mentioned: David's Online Grief Group / https://www.facebook.com/groups/DavidKessler David's Harvard Business Review Article / https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief Paul Denniston & Grief Yoga / https://griefyoga.com/ Bessel van der Kolk / https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/ Elizabeth Kubler Ross / https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_K%C3%BCbler-Ross Elizabeth Kubler Ross Foundation / https://www.ekrfoundation.org/ Additional Resources: Ten Percent Happier Live: https://tenpercent.com/live Coronavirus Sanity Guide: https://www.tenpercent.com/coronavirussanityguide Free App access for Health Care Workers: https://tenpercent.com/care Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/david-kessler-240</p>
Actionable Insights

1. Feel Your Emotions Fully

Allow yourself to fully feel emotions like sadness or anger without judgment, as suppressing them requires enormous mental energy and prevents them from passing through.

2. Name Your Grief

Acknowledge and name the specific type of grief you are experiencing (e.g., loss of normalcy) to gain understanding and a sense of control over your feelings.

3. Accept Current Reality

Accept your current circumstances to effectively deal with them, as freedom is found in reality.

4. Distinguish Control & Release

Practice identifying what is within your control and what is not, then focus your energy on what you can influence and release attachment to what you cannot.

5. Incorporate Physical Movement

Engage in physical activity like yoga, running, or walking to help process emotions and regain balance after a loss, as ’emotions need motion'.

6. Meditate to Process Emotions

Use meditation to tune into and investigate emotions without fighting or feeding them, allowing you to develop a different relationship with your feelings and find peace.

7. Focus on the Present Moment

Practice bringing yourself into the present moment, especially when dealing with trauma, to find safety and realize that the traumatic event has ended and future fears may not materialize.

8. Virtually Connect with Others

Actively seek virtual connections through video calls (FaceTime, Zoom) or phone calls to combat isolation and witness each other’s grief, especially during times of social distancing.

9. Engage in Deep Conversations

Use virtual or phone connections to engage in deeper conversations beyond small talk, discussing big, difficult emotions with trusted individuals or professionals to metabolize grief and foster growth.

10. Witness and Be Witnessed

Seek out opportunities for your grief and pain to be witnessed by others, and in turn, witness the grief of others, as this is a crucial part of the healing process.

11. Validate All Griefs

Avoid comparing griefs or minimizing others’ experiences; instead, validate all forms of grief and disappointment, recognizing that ‘grief is a no judgment zone’.

12. Allow Space for Grief

Create and allow space for yourself and others to grieve and feel whatever emotions arise, as acknowledging ‘what is’ is key to living through it.

13. Release Anger Healthily

Acknowledge anger as a natural emotion in grief and find safe, healthy ways to release it without harming yourself or others.

14. Join Online Grief Support

If experiencing grief, join online support groups (like the Facebook group mentioned at grief.com) to receive peer-to-peer support and connect with others who understand.

15. Support Others in Grief

If you have processed your own grief and are doing well, consider offering support to others in online groups or communities, practicing collective love and care.

16. Find Meaning in Mess

Actively seek to find meaning in challenging situations, as this can help manage grief and lead to post-traumatic growth.

17. Seek Meaning as a Cushion

Actively search for meaning in difficult experiences, as it can serve as a cushion to help cope with pain, even though it doesn’t eliminate the pain itself.

18. Allow Time for Meaning

Understand that finding meaning after a significant loss takes time and cannot be rushed; it’s a process that unfolds when you are ready.

19. Identify Small Meaningful Moments

Look for and name small, meaningful moments in your daily life (e.g., community connections, simple interactions) to foster post-traumatic growth.

20. Grow Bigger Than Grief

Instead of trying to shrink your pain or grief, focus on becoming ‘bigger’ yourself, expanding your capacity to hold and process the experience.

21. Limit Death’s Power

Refuse to let death destroy your love, relationships, or life after loss; instead, find your power to live a life that honors those who have died.

22. Work Towards Collective Meaning

Actively work towards creating a better world and finding collective meaning from shared tragedies, honoring those lost by striving for growth and positive change.

23. Create Virtual Community

Even when physically disconnected, actively work to create and participate in virtual communities to combat isolation and provide mutual support during grief.

24. Borrow Hope from Others

If you feel hopeless, allow others to hold hope for you until you can find it again, recognizing that your loss of hope is temporary.

25. Act on Acceptance

Once you reach a moment of acceptance, focus on what you can do to make the new reality work, finding power in what you can control.

26. Share Useful Content

If you find an episode or content particularly useful, share it with friends or on social media to help spread valuable information and reach more people.