To unlock deeper relationships and express more caring for others, first learn to feel and express caring towards yourself. This internal self-care is a significant foundation for external compassion.
Allow others to ‘see into you’ by sharing your vulnerabilities, as this is a key way to build closer, more intimate relationships. This counters the competitive model where showing weakness is avoided.
The first step in self-compassion is recognizing that you are hurting in a given moment. Then, have the courage to be kind to yourself in that moment, rather than stuffing or denying the pain.
Challenge the internalized belief that self-compassion is weak or indulgent; instead, understand that it is a sign of courage, especially when it involves ‘fierce self-compassion’ or standing up for yourself.
Counteract conditioning that leads to external referencing by paying attention to and feeling your emotions, which helps develop a deeper internal relationship with yourself. This allows for genuine self-compassion.
Recognize that asking for help is a sign of courage and strength, not weakness, directly challenging the traditional masculine ideology of bearing burdens alone. Many men break down because they don’t seek assistance.
When noticing negative reactions to your child’s emotions, use it as an opportunity to explore and open up to your own past experiences of shaming and blaming. This self-awareness can help you avoid passing on negative conditioning.
Encourage your children’s emotional expression and maintain an open channel of communication at home, providing a safe space for them to discuss their feelings without being shut down. This helps prevent them from developing intense defenses.
Frame the world for your children by explaining that not everyone will be as sensitive or kind as your family, and encourage them to always come to you to discuss difficult experiences. This prepares them for external pressures while reinforcing family support.
To support other men in their personal growth, model the openness you wish to see by sharing your own journey and what you’ve learned. Approach them with genuine care, rather than arrogance, to foster sincere connection.
Cultivate strong relationship skills and genuinely care about other people, as this is essential for being a successful leader in today’s world. Leaders who lack these skills, despite being good at tasks, often struggle to connect effectively.
When accused or triggered, pause and practice mindfulness by noticing your immediate reaction, creating space to avoid reacting impulsively. This allows for self-regulation before responding.
Recognize that cultural biases (like sexism) are internalized through ‘psychoosmosis’ and are common; approach self-reflection with self-compassion. Ask yourself, ‘How can I be with that?’ and ‘How can I learn from that?’ instead of becoming defensive.
When encountering gruff or emotionally distant men, recognize that they likely have a ‘hurting little boy’ within them whose emotions were suppressed by past shaming or abuse. This perspective can help foster empathy and encourage them to reconnect with their sensitive nature.
Understand that while past trauma or conditioning may have shaped you, you are still responsible for your actions. You must choose not to act out abusive behaviors in the world, regardless of your personal history.
Challenge ‘stupid stories’ or beliefs, such as those from negative masculinity, that hinder you from living a thriving life. Ask yourself how ‘manly’ it is to let such beliefs prevent your well-being.
Engage in self-directed positive neuroplasticity by repeatedly taking in and reinforcing positive experiences with passion. This practice can change your brain over time, turning positive states into lasting positive traits.
Adopt a mindset of continuous learning, recognizing that while you are ‘perfect,’ there is always ‘room for improvement.’ This perspective fosters growth and self-development.
Openly discuss feelings like jealousy with friends, even if it feels ‘outlier-ish,’ to foster deeper connections and talk about ‘real things.’ This vulnerability can bring people closer.
Build connections with other parents who share your values and discuss how to raise boys in a culture that shames emotional expression. Consider forming support groups to collectively monitor and support children.
Expose children to media, books, and movies that promote a healthy and expanded view of masculinity. This helps counteract traditional harmful stereotypes and offers positive role models.
Plant the seed in your child’s mind that they can be a teacher and role model for other boys and men. Reinforce that they can make a positive difference in the world, as teaching is a powerful way to learn.
Consistently reinforce the message to your children that they can make a difference in the world. These positive ‘seeds’ can be fertilized and grow into strong self-belief, impacting their future actions.
If a woman wants to support a man, approach him from a place of genuine care and human-to-human connection, rather than trying to ‘fix’ him. A ‘fix-it’ mentality can trigger defensiveness and shame in men.
While not a primary recommendation, sometimes the ’threat of loss’ (e.g., leaving a relationship) can be a powerful motivator for a man to change behavior. This strategy may be necessary when other approaches have failed to get his attention.
Combine intellectual understanding (study) with practical application (practice) to engage multiple parts of the mind and integrate wisdom more deeply. This deliberate symbiosis enhances learning and personal growth.
If you have already found a way to meditate that works for you, whether through YouTube, sitting in silence, or another app, continue with that practice. There are many valid paths to learning meditation.
Explore resources like The Good Man Project (a free magazine), The Mankind Project (weekend workshops), and the APA Division 51 website (division51.net) to find support and materials for personal development and challenging traditional masculinity.
Visit strengthwithheart.com to learn more about developing strength alongside heartfulness, fostering a deep sense of personal mission and being a good human being. This resource encourages a balanced approach to male identity.
Download the 10% Happier app for free to access expert wisdom and practices specifically chosen to help you apply lessons learned from the podcast. This app aims to provide a deliberate symbiosis between study and practice.