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White People, Drop the Shame and Get Curious | Shelly Graf

Jun 15, 2020 1h 2m 55 insights
In this episode, we go there. All the way there. All those horrifying little thoughts that white people might have - eg: Have you ever felt superior to, or suspicious of, black people? - let's drag them out of the subconscious and look at them. We don't need to submerge them or swat them away. But here's the thing: can we do it with some semblance of mindfulness and even friendliness? This isn't an exercise in ritual shaming; guilt and shame are just self-centeredness cul-de-sacs. After all, we didn't summon these thoughts; they were injected into us by the culture. So fellow white people, instead of just looking at the race discussion as something supremely discomfiting, let's also look at it as an opportunity to do what we've been attempting to do in meditation all along: to know our minds better so that we don't blindly act out all of our conditioning. Our guest this week is the magnificent Shelly Graf. Shelly was recommended to me by my TPH colleague, Matthew Hepburn. Shelly is a social worker and a staff dharma teacher at the Common Ground Meditation Center in Minneapolis. To be clear, Shelly doesn't pretend to be an expert who has it all figured out - simply a meditation teacher who has committed to deeply engaging on the issue of race. So in that spirit, here we go: Shelly Graf. Where to find Shelly Graf online: Website: https://commongroundmeditation.org/ STwitter: https://twitter.com/cgmed Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CommonGroundMeditation/ Check our our new, free collection of meditations called Relating to Race in the Ten Percent Happier app: https://10percenthappier.app.link/RelatingToRace Other Resources Mentioned: Refuge (Buddhism) - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Refuge_(Buddhism) Karma in Buddhism - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karma_in_Buddhism Maitr? - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maitr%C4%AB Ruth King - https://ruthking.net/ Episode 164: Ruth King, Being Mindful of Race - https://open.spotify.com/episode/5p3BTgqKgke7PYSUbzvPrR Three Marks of Existence: Anicca, Dukkha, Anatta - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_marks_of_existence M?na - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M%C4%81na Common Ground Meditation Center - https://commongroundmeditation.org/ The Characteristics of White Supremacy Culture - https://www.showingupforracialjustice.org/white-supremacy-culture-characteristics.html Detour-Spotting for White Anti-Racists - https://www.racialequitytools.org/resourcefiles/olson.pdf List of resources from Resmaa Menakem - https://www.resmaa.com/resources Racial Affinity Group Development Program - https://ruthking.net/learning-with-ruth/ra-gdp/ Additional Resources: Ten Percent Happier Live: https://tenpercent.com/live Coronavirus Sanity Guide: https://www.tenpercent.com/coronavirussanityguide Free App access for Health Care Workers: https://tenpercent.com/care Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/shelly-graf-256
Actionable Insights

1. Deepen Self-Knowledge via Race

View discussions about race as an opportunity to know your mind better, similar to meditation practice, to avoid blindly acting out habit patterns and conditioning.

2. Apply Mindfulness to Racial Injustice

Utilize your mindfulness and meditation practice to awaken to racial injustice, leveraging these skills to gain clearer, deeper insight into previously unrecognized issues.

3. Prioritize Learning Over Rightness

Shift your focus to prioritizing continuous learning and growth rather than striving to always be correct in interactions and understanding.

4. Grapple with Interconnectedness

Engage in the inquiry of how all humans belong to each other, understanding that both silence and engagement contribute to the state of the world.

5. Integrate Internal, External Practice

As a meditation practitioner, be interested in how internal and external experiences collide, learning through interactions how greed, hatred, and delusion manifest in your life.

6. Watch Mind, Practice Ethical Conduct

Cultivate ethical conduct in daily life and learn to watch your mind during all activities, as these intentional actions are crucial for personal and collective awakening.

7. Examine Core Motivations

For ambitious pursuits, deeply inquire into your core motivations—whether it’s to help others or for ego gratification—to guide your actions more skillfully.

8. Practice Radical Honesty

Employ your mindfulness practice to be radically honest and sincere about your motivations, acknowledging when they are not purely altruistic, because knowing how things truly are is valuable.

9. Cultivate Surrender, Curiosity

Address perfectionism and forceful striving by embracing surrender and curiosity, shifting focus from constantly trying to be better to a mindset of continuous learning.

10. Use Body for Deeper Knowing

When your mind defaults to intellectualizing, acknowledge this tendency and then actively use your body to access a deeper, more sophisticated understanding beyond mere intellectual answers.

11. Track Body Sensations, Interrupt Intellectualizing

When intellectual questions arise, maintain connection with your body’s sensations and track any unpleasant feelings with curiosity to effectively interrupt the pattern of intellectualizing.

12. Notice Defensiveness in Body

Immediately observe defensiveness or any strong emotion by noticing its physical sensations in your body, which allows you to become mindful and not be ruled by it.

13. Move Body to Shift Energy

When defensiveness arises, engage in subtle physical movements like walking, breathing, or shifting your posture to help the energy move and transform, preventing impulsive reactions.

14. Watch Patterns, Respond with Love

Rather than attempting to eliminate patterns like defensiveness, observe them as they arise and respond skillfully with love for yourself and others, recognizing their impersonal nature.

15. Skillfully Navigate Shame, Guilt

Anticipate feelings of shame and guilt when addressing racial issues, then learn to work with them skillfully to avoid being paralyzed and to maintain engagement.

16. Feel Emotions, Let Them Move

Practice connecting with the body to feel emotions such as shame and guilt, trusting their impermanence and allowing them to move through you to prevent getting stuck.

17. Avoid Paralytic White Guilt

Bypass the unhelpful cul-de-sac of white guilt by observing inner biases with dispassion, which prevents paralysis and allows for constructive action.

18. Wake Up to Whiteness Tenets

Consciously identify and become aware of how the invisible tenets of whiteness, such as individualism, objectivity, and disconnection, influence your actions and perceptions.

19. Research White Supremacy Culture

Consult online resources listing aspects of white supremacy culture and consistently keep them in mind to recognize their influence on your thoughts and feelings.

20. Learn Country’s Founding History

Actively learn about the historical foundations of the country, including slave labor and stolen land, to comprehend the structural forces and perpetuated values.

21. See Individual and Collective

Cultivate the ability to perceive both individual suffering and the broader collective context, understanding their inherent interconnectedness.

22. Extend Belonging to All

Challenge the limits of your sense of belonging by asking if it extends to all human beings, and actively question why silence is acceptable regarding cultural and systemic atrocities.

23. Foster Mutual Belonging for Growth

Cultivate a deep understanding of mutual belonging to enable willingness to say hard things, ask hard questions, and make mistakes, fostering reciprocal challenge, learning, and growth.

24. Listen, Observe Defensiveness

When listening to people of color, actively observe your mind’s defensive reactions and questions without acting on them, sometimes following their lead to practice ‘power with’ rather than ‘power over’.

25. Listen, Lead, Do Your Own Work

Adopt a sophisticated approach by listening to and sometimes following the lead of people of color, while also doing your own internal work to develop contributions and take responsibility for resolving racial injustice.

26. Allow Questions, Prioritize Listening

Permit intellectual questions to arise without immediately seeking answers, instead prioritizing deep, non-hostile listening in the moment.

27. Practice Body Awareness for Conversations

Cultivate sophistication in difficult conversations by consistently practicing breath awareness and tracking felt sensations in the body, preparing you to engage more skillfully.

28. Keep “What Are You Doing?” Alive

Continuously hold the question ‘What are you doing to fix this problem?’ as an active inquiry in your mind to sustain engagement and motivation.

29. Ask Each Other: “What Now?”

Regularly ask yourself and other white people ‘What are you doing right now?’ to maintain an active and ongoing inquiry into anti-racism work.

30. Prioritize Anti-Racism Daily

Elevate anti-racism work to the same level of daily importance and commitment as fundamental self-care activities like eating and brushing your teeth.

31. Diverse Anti-Racism Engagement

Engage in anti-racism work through varied actions like mindfulness practice, advocacy, reading, and consuming alternative news, continually asking ‘What is this moment calling for?’ to guide your next step.

32. Stay in Race Conversation

Make a conscious commitment to remain engaged in conversations about race, both in private discussions and public forums like podcasts, as a continuous effort.

33. Develop Systematic Race Plan

Create a long-term, systematic plan to consistently engage with and address issues of race, ensuring efforts are intentional rather than haphazard.

34. Use Reminders for Privilege

Place external reminders, such as post-it notes, to counteract the buffering effect of white privilege and keep the importance of anti-racism work present and personal.

35. Stay in Discomfort with Body

Consciously use your body to remain present and engaged with discomfort, confusion, and ‘heat’ during anti-racism work, accepting that this will be an ongoing part of the process.

36. Embrace Future Discomfort

Commit to embracing and becoming accustomed to discomfort, anticipating a future where being white will be less comfortable as various racial justice movements gain prominence.

37. Inquire: How Has White Supremacy Hurt Me?

Actively ask and reflect on how white supremacy culture has personally harmed you, using this inquiry to penetrate the buffer of privilege and foster deeper understanding.

38. Reflect on Disconnection, Mistrust

Consider how white supremacy has led to a disconnection from your own heart and capacity to care, and how it contributes to difficulties and mistrust in authentic relationships with people of color.

39. Build Authentic Relationships

Actively seek and cultivate authentic relationships with people of color where power dynamics are balanced, focusing on caring, loving, befriending, and joining in activities.

40. Engage Virtually with POC

When face-to-face opportunities are scarce, utilize technology platforms like Zoom, Instagram, or reading materials to engage with and listen to people of color.

41. Engage with Social Forces

Actively find ways to engage, learn, and listen to social and oppressive forces, as true awakening requires moving beyond a personal bubble.

42. Embrace Three Buddhist Jewels

Fully integrate all aspects of the Buddhist path, including mind training, the teachings (Dharma), and the community (Sangha), for comprehensive awakening.

43. Mindfulness Impacts Social World

Understand that your mindfulness practice will naturally extend beyond personal experience, influencing your social world as mindful awareness grows in strength.

44. Strive for Skillful Engagement

Make a conscious effort to be skillful and abide in goodness during conversations, as this engagement and contribution create a sense of belonging and positive impact.

45. Plant Skillful Karmic Seeds

Recognize the power of karma by consciously planting intentional seeds of skillful actions and intentions, which will support ongoing positive efforts.

46. Observe Control Instincts

Pay attention to your instinct to control situations, especially when plans are disrupted, as this reveals a manifestation of clinging to power.

47. Notice Need to Be Right

Become aware of your desire to be right in conversations and the impulse to dismiss differing opinions, as these are manifestations of clinging to power.

48. See Perfectionism as Nature

Reframe perfectionism as a collective ‘force of nature’ rather than an individual problem, allowing for a broader, less personal approach to its observation and understanding.

49. Recognize Intellectualizing Tendency

Become aware of your tendency to intellectualize and seek academic validation when encountering challenging concepts, understanding it as a common head-based reaction.

50. Use Free Race Meditations

Access the free guided meditations on the 10% Happier app to help engage with issues relating to race, as they are designed for this purpose.

51. Examine Uncomfortable Race Thoughts

Instead of submerging or swatting away horrifying thoughts about race, drag them out of the subconscious and take a hard look at them to know your mind better.

52. Approach Bias with Friendliness

Engage in the work of examining racial biases with mindfulness and friendliness, understanding that guilt and shame are self-centered cul-de-sacs that hinder progress.

53. Evolve Meditation Motivation

Begin meditation for personal reasons like reducing suffering, but allow your motivation to deepen over time to include playing a more positive role in the world.

54. Practice Post-Mindfulness

If you react defensively, later reflect on the conversation to notice where you got caught, allowing the experience to pass and apologizing if necessary, a practice known as ‘post-mindfulness’.

55. Surrender to Being Learner

Before engaging in tasks, acknowledge that there will be a mix of wisdom and delusion, and consciously surrender to the role of a continuous learner in the moment.