Allow your spiritual practice (Dharma) to encompass and hold all aspects of your experience, especially moments of confusion, hurt, anger, or sadness, rather than thinking you must handle ‘big problems’ on your own. This fosters confidence that there is something to learn in every moment and helps you grow.
View every interaction with another person as an opportunity to practice spiritual principles and develop qualities like mindfulness, awareness, and wise reflection. This allows you to utilize and expand upon skills cultivated in meditation in all your real-life relationships.
Strive for genuine ‘realness’ in relationships, even if it means being messy or uncomfortable, especially in spiritual spaces where there can be pressure to project a placid, ‘all good’ affect. This authenticity is a path to freedom and deeper connection.
Dare to explore and feel into what a liberated relationship feels like for you, envisioning what it means to be free with another person or group. This provides a compass for navigating conditions that lead to widespread liberation in policy and culture.
When relationships become difficult, intentionally remember and access the tools developed in meditation, such as mindfulness, awareness of emotions, and wise reflection, rather than forgetting them in the heat of the moment. This helps you apply your practice when it’s most needed.
When addressing difficult truths in a relationship, lead with honesty and love, trusting that this approach can deepen the connection rather than end it. This fosters a new level of intimacy and freedom within the relationship.
When relational tension arises, initiate a conversation with the intention to demonstrate care for the relationship, rather than solely to avoid conflict or make the other person happy. This allows for honest communication that can deepen connection and resolve issues.
Engage in ‘wise effort’ by doing what is difficult for you, which might involve doing more or doing less, depending on your habit patterns. This practice helps cultivate liberation and examines the quality of effort you bring to your actions.
Engage in the practice of generosity by giving what feels difficult for you to give, whether it’s money, time, or unconditional attention. This helps liberate the clinging mind and expands your comfort zone.
Reflect on what specifically is hard for you to give, as this will vary from person to person, and then practice giving in those areas. Examples include money/resources, time, or unconditional attention.
When someone you love needs your attention, put aside distractions and turn your full body and presence towards them, listening completely. This simple act can make them feel loved and heard, often quickly resolving their need for connection.
Be a trustworthy friend by not only refraining from sharing others’ personal details but also by developing the capacity for compassionate listening and holding space for their truths without judgment. This means being able to receive and welcome their feelings and experiences.
Work to expand your capacity for compassionate listening, allowing your open heart to be touched by your own or others’ suffering while remaining upright and responsive, even when it’s difficult or uncomfortable. This helps you hold space for others’ truths without making it about yourself.
When you notice blocks hindering your natural capacity for compassionate listening and receiving others’ truths, bring your attention to these blocks and work to dissolve them. This allows you to return to a state of openness and better receive what others share.
Part of fostering deep connection is being willing to be vulnerable and share your own truths and secrets with trusted individuals. A spiritual friend tells you their secrets, implying a reciprocal openness.
When friendships feel unsatisfactory, examine the personal roots of suffering, such as your own tendencies to cling, crave, or be absent, and how your individual conditioning contributes to relational difficulties. This self-reflection aids in personal growth and relationship improvement.
Beyond individual tendencies, also examine the patterns of interaction and dynamics that occur between people in a relationship as a form of suffering. This broader perspective helps identify and address issues that arise in the space between individuals.
Extend your awareness to perceive how systemic forces (e.g., wealth gap, racism) contribute to suffering and relational tension, recognizing that what feels interpersonal may have structural roots. This is often the hardest to do but offers a deeper understanding of conflict.
Cultivate deep, compassionate listening to truly hear your friends’ truths and what is important to them, as this better equips you to respond in the most skillful, effective, and meaningful way. This allows your actions to be truly useful and impactful.
When confronted with injustice, move beyond immediate outrage or discomfort to deeply listen and clearly discern your unique leverage point for change, rather than reacting impulsively. This helps you identify your most effective role in societal transformation.
When you notice yourself rushing, interpret it as a mindfulness bell, a signal to wake up and pay attention to what is happening in your mind or the world right now. This can help you recognize when you’re missing something important and prompt you to be more present.
When you feel overwhelmed by time pressure and believe you don’t have enough time to be a friend or connect, pause and ask yourself if that feeling is truly accurate. This helps you make more intentional choices about your time and avoid a ‘manufactured sense of urgency’.
Reflect on whether you are making intentional, meaningful choices about how you spend your time, or if you are primarily reacting to others’ demands and a ‘manufactured sense of urgency.’ This practice helps reclaim agency over your schedule.
Intentionally block out periods in your calendar specifically for connecting with friends, having fun, or simply being together, recognizing this as a vital part of your spiritual practice. This ensures you prioritize and make time for important relationships.
Acknowledge that you cannot give time to everyone, and when you are unable to, practice honesty about your limitations. This sets healthy boundaries and manages expectations in your relationships.
Understand that generosity involves both giving and receiving, and cultivate the wisdom to discern when each is appropriate in a given situation. This ensures a healthy and sustainable flow in your relationships.
Be firm about your value and rates, especially if you are a woman or person of color, as people may feel entitled to your labor. Do not immediately offer to lower your price or accept ‘whatever you guys can do,’ as knowing your value is incredibly important.
Consider setting aside a portion, such as 10% of your income, to give to people or causes you deeply care about, as a spiritual practice similar to traditional tithing. This cultivates generosity and supports your values.
Recognize that deep intimacy develops over time, and it is a gesture of friendship to allow relationships to unfold naturally rather than immediately diving into the deepest personal revelations. This fosters appropriate and healthy progression of connections.