Develop the capacity and willingness to be vulnerable, as it is a central variable shared by “wholehearted people” who live in love with their whole hearts.
Become aware of your personal “armor” (e.g., perfectionism, cynicism, control, power over) and how it shows up, as it keeps you from growing and being courageous.
Identify and work to overcome the “armor” you use to self-protect when feeling exposed, rather than focusing solely on fear, as armor is the biggest barrier to courageous leadership and personal growth.
Understand that courage involves discomfort, uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure; if you’re comfortable, you’re likely not being truly brave or doing anything meaningful.
Constantly challenge the narratives you tell yourself about yourself, especially those that define your worth based on others’ actions or perceptions, to prevent false beliefs from shaping your life negatively.
Consciously let go of behaviors where you try to control everything, especially when it’s disguised as help but is actually about managing outcomes for yourself, as this behavior is not truly helpful and is a form of armor.
Set and maintain clear boundaries with others, even if it means disappointing them, as this vulnerable act reveals what you care about and chooses self-respect over making others happy.
Practice being clear with people, even when delivering difficult feedback or setting expectations, because clarity is a form of kindness, while being unclear is unkind.
When you perceive a negative interaction or lack clarity, approach the person directly and state, “The story I’m making up is [X], and I wanted to check in if there’s anything we need to clean up.” This allows for clarification and prevents misinterpretations.
When someone is struggling, sit with them in their “darkness” rather than trying to immediately “fix” or “flip the switch on” for them, understanding your own darkness to do so. This fosters true compassion and teaches others to process difficult emotions.
With loved ones, especially romantic partners, remove your emotional armor and openly express fears or hurts, creating a space of safety where you don’t need to prove, perfect, or please. This allows for true connection and deeper intimacy.
Be brave enough to let people know how badly you want something, even if you know you may not get it, as this act of expressing desire in the face of uncertainty is inherently brave and a form of “winning” in itself.
Hold the Zen teacher’s belief that “you are perfect as you are, and you could also use a little improvement” to avoid pitfalls of self-love leading to passivity or self-loathing.
Practice tolerating and learning from uncomfortable emotions, as the ability to be uncomfortable in emotion is key to making almost anything possible, leading to growth and resilience.
Systematically focus on one thing (e.g., breath, swimming strokes) during meditation, and gently return your attention every time you get distracted, to develop mindfulness and not be owned by fleeting thoughts.
Incorporate a daily quiet, alone, and rhythmic activity (like swimming or other mindful practices) into your routine, as this practice is essential for mental well-being and can serve as a form of meditation.
When trying to start a new healthy habit or break an unhealthy one, approach yourself with compassion and self-love instead of shame and self-loathing, as research suggests these are much more effective motivators.
Do not use shame or belittlement to try and change people, as it does not lead to meaningful, lasting change.
As a leader, tolerate uncertainty, stay in problem-solving rather than just fixing, and talk to people about difficult things instead of about them, as these are indicators of courageous leadership.
As a leader, create a culture where failure is not punished, allowing for iteration, innovation, and creativity, as innovation inherently involves iteration and failure.
If you exhibit emotional intensity when fired up or mad, work to manage it to foster a culture where people feel safe to speak up and disagree, as unmanaged intensity can prevent a desired culture.
Work to normalize discomfort and hard conversations within your environment or team, as normalizing these elements can lead to significant positive outcomes and “miracles” in communication and culture.
In cultures where clear, kind, and hard conversations are encouraged, establish and use the practice of “calling a timeout” when feeling overwhelmed or shamey, with permission to circle back later.
Teach children how to feel and process disappointment, grief, and other difficult emotions, rather than trying to fix their problems for them, as this is the biggest gift you can give them.
As a parent, create a home environment where “awkward, silly, uncool” behaviors are normalized and encouraged, rather than emphasizing “cool,” which can hinder children from being vulnerable and courageous.
Jettison the “new year, new you” narrative, along with fad diets and self-loathing, and instead explore and practice self-love and self-compassion, which are radical and evidence-based alternatives.
Download the 10% Happier app and join the free 21-day New Year’s Meditation Challenge starting January 4th to gently integrate podcast concepts into your neurons and experience calming benefits.
Seek therapy to deal with perfectionism and the inability to manage uncertainty, as these behaviors are armor against vulnerability and prevent living a manageable life.
When receiving feedback, ask direct, specific questions to understand what less guarded behavior would look like, how you show up differently, and what makes your armor scary to others, as this is where the real heart of change lies.
Strive valiantly and dare greatly by putting yourself in the arena, accepting the risk of failure and criticism, rather than being a critic from the sidelines, as credit belongs to those who strive.
Recognize that you can experience bravery and fear simultaneously, and that fear is not the problem, but succumbing to it by armoring up is.
View prayer as talking to a higher power or inner self, and meditation as listening in a quiet, rhythmic space, to help frame spiritual and mindfulness practices.