To get unstuck, become familiar, cozy with, and even laugh at your own perceived “ugliness” or dysfunction, as this process is argued to be necessary.
Understand that you have control not over what you experience or what happens, but over how you relate to it, and this relationship is the primary area where change is possible.
Practice bringing any difficult emotion, thought, or memory into awareness, as this act of mindful observation can lead to its self-liberation and dissolution.
Open yourself to the “full catastrophe” or “full horror” of yourself, bringing even embarrassing or shame-filled failures into awareness without judgment, recognizing that awareness can outlast destruction.
Adopt an attitude of being open to all your emotions, viewing them like “music” or “non-musical sounds” without judgment, similar to John Cage’s approach to sound.
Strive to become deeply familiar with yourself and “partners with the capacities that constitute us,” fully inhabiting your being by experiencing the “full catastrophe” of who you are.
Instead of fighting your inner “catastrophe” or old patterns, learn to be “cool with it” and fully yourself without being owned by them, as this unlocks an inherent kindness in life.
To cultivate true kindness and compassion, acknowledge, work with, tolerate, and forgive your own inner aggression and anger, which allows you to return to love and feel compassion for yourself and others.
Examine feelings of shame, especially those internalized from a young age, to determine if you’re taking responsibility for things that were not truly your fault, which can be extremely helpful.
When experiencing grief, investigate if there are underlying emotions like anger or other conflicting feelings that might be suppressed or unacknowledged, as bringing them to awareness can be productive.
Recognize that you will repeatedly “stumble over yourself” and make mistakes; cultivate the capacity for self-repair and forgiveness, similar to how healthy relationships navigate rupture and repair.
Adopt a meditative stance towards your own mind, treating it like an unruly child by seeing things as they are, challenging when necessary, but ultimately being forgiving and holding.
Practice observing thoughts, feelings, and memories with mindfulness, recognizing that they are impermanent and lack inherent substance, leading to their self-liberation and dissolution into emptiness.
When difficult experiences arise in meditation, fully engage with the deep feeling of identification with “being that person,” allowing this deeply felt identification to come into relationship with emptiness for freedom.
Challenge and disrupt your ingrained explanations about yourself, your problems, or the world, as these formulations are never totally true and can be lightened with humor to change perspective.
Be willing to be real and share your own life experiences with others when it feels helpful and not intrusive, as this can make a difference in fostering connection and understanding.
Approach others, including those you are trying to help, with the perspective that they are “already free,” recognizing an underlying essence beyond their current struggles.
Aim to restore, reclaim, and refind your innocence after accumulating life experiences, recognizing that both Buddhism and psychotherapy share this goal.
Adopt the perspective that in all your interactions and relationships, “we’re all walking each other home,” implying a shared journey towards a deeper sense of belonging or self.
When confronted with challenging thoughts, “love the thoughts” rather than fighting them, and try to see yourself as a “soul,” which can then extend to seeing others as souls rather than mere objects.
After engaging in self-work, aim to reframe your neuroses not as monsters to be eliminated, but as “delightful little schmooze,” indicating a shift towards acceptance and lightness.
Engage with Zen koans to depend on creative moves, encourage doubt and curiosity, embrace uncertainty, undermine rigid explanations, see life as funny, and courageously change your ideas of who you are, revealing hidden kindness.
Parents should listen to the “Childproof” podcast to learn how to take care of themselves, manage anger, give themselves a break, mourn lost old lives, and avoid passing on dysfunction to their children.
Download the “10% with Dan Harris” app for guided meditations on stress, anxiety, sleep, focus, and self-compassion, and access weekly live Zoom community sessions and ad-free podcast episodes.