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The Upside of Desire | Cara Lai

Jul 15, 2020 1h 5m 23 insights
In Buddhism/meditation circles, desire or wanting is often considered a no-no. But is this line of thinking sometimes taken too far — or simply misunderstood? Can we turn our desires — for food, sex, etcetera — into areas to apply our meditation practice? Today we're going to explore that notion with Cara Lai. She is a mindfulness teacher, psychotherapist, and artist. She is also a coach on the Ten Percent Happier app. (Side note: shout-out to all the coaches on the app. The fact that we have these highly trained individuals standing by to take your questions is yet another reason to subscribe!) Anyway, back to Cara. I first encountered her when I was on a retreat last year, and she was one of the teachers. She gave a dharma talk that was incredibly funny and shockingly honest. And, as you will hear, she brings that same spirit to this conversation. Where to find Cara Lai online:  Website: http://www.caralai.org/ On the Ten Percent Happier app, you can chat directly with living, breathing meditation coaches (including Cara), about your meditation questions. Once you've downloaded the app at tenpercent.com, you can navigate to your profile, then click "Ask A Question" under the coaching section to be connected with one of our experienced coaches. Other Resources Mentioned: Dukkha: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Du%E1%B8%A5kha Additional Resources: Ten Percent Happier Live: https://tenpercent.com/live Coronavirus Sanity Guide: https://www.tenpercent.com/coronavirussanityguide Free App access for Frontline Workers: https://tenpercent.com/care Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/cara-lai-265
Actionable Insights

1. Embrace All Human Experience

Understand that practice is not about pretending to be calm, but about fully feeling and using every aspect of your human experience, including difficult emotions and powerful urges, as a path towards freedom.

2. Meet Difficulty Open-Heartedly

Cultivate compassion by meeting your difficulties with open-heartedness and without judgment, allowing compassion to naturally arise as an intrinsic aspect of your heart.

3. Choose to Engage Life

Lift the shame around wanting and difficult experiences by recognizing that you are making a conscious choice to be present in human life, which makes difficulties more acceptable and life more engaging.

4. Accept All Feelings for Compassion

Cultivate self-compassion and self-love by simply making room for and being okay with whatever you are feeling at any given time.

5. Stay With Uncomfortable Feelings

Allow yourself to be with uncomfortable feelings, as this practice can lead to self-compassion, self-love, and the release of limiting beliefs about your ability to handle emotions.

6. Listen Deeply to Desires

Give yourself permission to deeply feel and make space for your desires, as listening to them can guide you towards a sense of freedom and reveal their wholesome root.

7. Pause Before Acting on Desire

Before acting on a desire (e.g., eating a cupcake), pause to feel what’s truly going on, identify any uncomfortable feelings you might be avoiding, and challenge the belief that you can’t handle those feelings.

8. Allow Wanting for Greater Agency

By allowing yourself to fully experience wanting without shame, you create more internal space, which enables you to truly listen to what you deeply desire and make conscious choices.

9. Direct Wanting Energy Mindfully

Instead of shaming desires, use the vibrant energy and excitement of wanting to mindfully direct yourself towards what you truly and deeply desire, beyond surface-level cravings.

10. Clarify True Wants

Through desire meditation, you can clarify that surface-level wants often mask deeper needs (e.g., not wanting to feel lonely), revealing that acting on the surface want might lead to more suffering.

11. Grounded Desire Exploration

For strong desires, place attention on a grounding anchor (feet, breath) while letting the desire and imagination run wild, creating space for the energy to move and reveal deeper wants, without getting lost in fantasy.

12. Grounded Anger Exploration

Apply the grounded exploration technique to anger, allowing it to course through your body and imagining its full expression, to create space for it and understand its messages about fairness and what you deserve.

13. Outwardly Express Anger Privately

If you have sufficient meditation practice to remain present, allow anger to be expressed outwardly and physically in private, such as smashing pillows or screaming, to let the energy course through your body and prevent it from getting stuck.

14. Allow Your Body to Take Space

Challenge cultural norms by consciously relaxing your belly and allowing your body to take up its natural space, affirming your inherent right to exist as you are.

15. Connect Body for Intuitive Wanting

By allowing your body to be as it is and taking up space, you can open yourself to deeper, intuitive forms of wanting, as all experience and wanting are felt within the body.

16. Practice Openness About Feelings

Don’t pretend not to feel nervous or to have everything together; instead, be open and honest about your true feelings as an embodiment of humility and part of your practice.

17. Reframe Nervousness as Performance Aid

View nervousness as your body preparing to act, which can actually enhance performance rather than hinder it.

18. Practice Inner-Guided Meditation

Allow your meditation practice to be guided from within, extending beyond traditional sitting and walking meditations, to explore what feels right for you personally.

19. Explore Sexuality as Practice

Engage with your sexuality as a practice, recognizing its immense power and potential as an unexplored field of experience that can be integrated into your path towards freedom.

20. Begin Short Daily Meditation

Start meditating for a short duration, like 7-8 minutes a day, as even this brief practice can lead to profound experiences within a few weeks.

21. Build Mind Steadiness First

Before deeply exploring desires without shame, cultivate a certain level of mental steadiness and ability to be present, as this practice is not recommended for beginners without that foundation.

22. Practice Non-Judgmental Desire Awareness

When engaging with desire, focus on being present with the wanting without judgment or the pressure to control subsequent actions, which helps to dismantle shame and fosters deeper understanding.

23. Approach Practice Provisionally

Approach your personal practice with humility, acknowledging that you are figuring things out for yourself rather than claiming expertise, and recognizing that your methods may not be universally applicable.