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The Surprising Power of "Healthy Embarrassment" | Koshin Paley Ellison

Nov 23, 2022 51m 47s 36 insights
<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p><em>---</em></p> <p><br /></p> <p>We've all got parts of our personality or our past that we're ashamed of. We might refer to these parts of ourselves as our demons, our baggage, or our secrets; no one is immune.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>So, how do you want to deal with this situation? Stay coiled in shame and denial? That only makes the demons stronger. An alternative, per my guest Koshin Paley Ellison, is to approach your stuff with "healthy embarrassment." That allows you to work more skillfully with your baggage so that it doesn't own you. And once you're cooler with yourself, that can improve your relationships with other people, which is probably the most important variable for your happiness. And healthy embarrassment is just one of many extremely useful things we are going to talk about today.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>Koshin Paley Ellison is an author, Zen teacher, Jungian psychotherapist, and Certified Chaplaincy Educator. He is the co-founder of the <a href="https://zencare.org/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care</a>, an amazing place which, among other things, trains people to be volunteers in hospice centers. Koshin is the author of a new book called <a href="https://www.gcp-balance.com/titles/koshin-paley-ellison/untangled/9781538708323/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Untangled: Walking the Eightfold Path to Clarity, Courage, and Compassion</em></a>, which centers on a classic Buddhist list called The Eightfold Path, the Buddha's recipe for enlightenment or, as Koshin puts it, "the most awesome combo platter."</p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>In this episode we talk about:</strong></p> <ul> <li>What is The Eightfold Path and how it fits into another Buddhist list, The Four Noble Truths</li> <li>How to use the list to do life better</li> <li>The danger of perfectionism in putting the list to use in your life</li> <li>How to bridge the gap between what we say we care about and what we're actually doing with our lives</li> <li>How sitting with your pain can lead to freedom</li> <li>The utility and pitfalls of gossip</li> <li>How we can look at the idea of "killing" in many different ways, including how one can "kill a moment" or "the energy in a room"</li> <li>How the concept of "right effort" can help us find the balance between not doing enough and overworking ourselves</li> <li>How being uncomfortable is a sign of real engagement with our practice</li> <li>And Koshin's addition of the concept of "mystery" as another aspect of the eightfold path</li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="http://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/koshin-paley-ellison-528" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/koshin-paley-ellison-528</a></p>
Actionable Insights

1. Don’t Squander Your Life

Live your life fully and purposefully, avoiding squandering your time and opportunities. This serves as a fundamental exhortation to make the most of your existence.

2. Prioritize Practice with a Vow

Make a conscious vow to prioritize your practice (e.g., meditation, self-reflection) and orient your life around it, rather than trying to fit it in only when convenient. This requires a deliberate decision to center practice.

3. Bridge Values-Action Gap

Cultivate ‘right view’ by examining how you create your own suffering and tangles, taking responsibility for it. Develop a humbling, healthy embarrassment about the gap between your stated values and actual behavior, using it to bridge that gap.

4. Approach Baggage with Healthy Embarrassment

Approach personal ‘baggage’ (demons, past, secrets) with healthy embarrassment instead of shame or denial. This helps you work skillfully with your issues so they don’t control you and can improve relationships.

5. Be Still with Pain

To achieve freedom, learn to be still and present with your pain. This involves allowing the ‘ouch’ of embarrassment or discomfort without avoiding it, as true freedom comes from facing it.

6. Practice for World Connection

Practice to become more intimate, serving, and connected to the world, rather than for self-centered reasons. Overcoming self-consciousness and self-centeredness reduces suffering and fosters connection.

7. Commit to Continuous Effort

Cultivate ‘right effort’ by committing to continuous, long-term practice, recognizing it as a lifetime journey. Avoid merely ’trying things out’ and instead, stay persistently engaged for sustained growth.

8. Embrace Mistakes, Keep Going

Adopt a mindset of ‘fall down seven times, get up eight times’ regarding mistakes. Cultivate a new relationship with your mistakes, viewing them as part of being human rather than personal failings.

9. Don’t Over-Personalize Mistakes

Avoid over-personalizing mistakes; instead, recognize them as part of the human experience. Stay with the discomfort of mistakes long enough to fully experience them, fostering self-compassion.

10. Align Intent with Action

Practice ‘right intent’ by rigorously examining the gap between your stated intentions/perspectives and your actual actions. Actively work to align your intentions with your behavior to close this gap.

11. Examine Internal Stories

Practice ‘right speech’ by first examining the stories and repetitive thought patterns you tell yourself about what’s happening. Recognize that your internal ‘speech’ shapes your interpretation of the world.

12. Prepare for Seated Meditation

Approach seated meditation (right concentration) after doing the preparatory work of examining and unpacking your personal ‘baggage’ and difficulties. This foundational work makes deep concentration more accessible.

13. Attend to All Eightfold Path

Understand that the Eightfold Path creates the necessary conditions for effective meditation. Attend to all aspects of the path rather than jumping directly into meditation without preparation.

14. Engage All Path Simultaneously

Engage with all aspects of the Eightfold Path simultaneously, recognizing that they are interconnected and mutually reinforcing. Embrace the dynamic, ongoing nature of practice, understanding that you are ’never done’.

15. Unpack Your “Big Bag”

Unpack your ‘big bag’ of past burdens and self-perceptions (e.g., ‘I’m great’ or ‘I’m the worst’) to act spontaneously and genuinely. This prevents you from ‘killing’ the present moment or others’ experiences by projecting your past.

16. Take Action, Don’t Wait

Counter the habit of waiting for others to take care of you; instead, show up and take action yourself. Avoid relying on a ‘great babysitter’ mentality for your responsibilities.

17. Balance Effort, Avoid Overwork

Practice ‘right effort’ by finding a balance between not doing enough and overworking. Avoid driving yourself into the ground; instead, assess if you’re making things unnecessarily difficult for yourself.

18. Embrace Discomfort in Practice

Expect practice to be hard, uncomfortable, and challenging. Meeting these difficulties is a sign of genuine engagement; if you’re not facing discomfort, you may not be truly practicing.

19. Attune to “Right Amount” of Effort

Learn to attune your effort to the ‘right amount,’ avoiding both too much and too little. This balance is essential for sustainable and effective practice in all areas of life.

20. Seek Support in Hard Practice

When practice gets hard, be clear and courageous, focusing on whether you are truly engaged and not stepping away from your stated intentions. Seek support from teachers and companions, as this journey cannot be done alone.

21. Let Go of Rigid Ideology

Learn to let go of rigid ideologies or beliefs that you are ‘charging ahead’ with. Putting these down can be relaxing and allow for more spontaneous, kind action, rather than being a ‘killer’ of energy.

22. Work as Mind Practice

View your work as a ‘place of practice’ to observe your mind. Use your job as an opportunity to understand your mental processes and reactions, bringing mindfulness to your daily tasks.

23. Connect to Work’s Purpose

Connect deeply with the purpose and impact of your work. Understanding how your work serves others or contributes to the world fosters a sense of belonging and meaning.

24. Mindfully Serve in Undesirable Tasks

Approach even undesirable tasks (like cleaning toilets) with a mindful attitude, recognizing them as opportunities to serve the community and bring your full attention. This transforms mundane chores into acts of care.

25. Pay Attention, Care for Others

Counter loneliness by actively stepping forward and paying attention to others, demonstrating care. Make a conscious effort to remember to pay attention, fostering deeper connections.

26. Practice Buddhism as Action

Treat Buddhism (and the Eightfold Path) as something to do rather than just believe in. This emphasizes active practice and following instructions to integrate teachings into daily life.

27. Notice Distractions, Gently Return

Develop an ‘acuity of attention’ to notice distractions and gently return to your practice. This involves a loving and acute awareness without judgment, continuously bringing your mind back.

28. Use “Story I’m Telling Myself”

When communicating, use the phrase ‘The story I’m telling myself is…’ to express your interpretations without sounding accusatory. This fosters open dialogue and is a form of right speech.

29. Speak Kindly, Helpfully, Necessarily

Before speaking, ask yourself if your words are kind, helpful, and necessary, and if they truly need to be said at that moment. This helps practice mindful communication and prevents harsh speech.

30. Practice Silence, Allow Discovery

Practice silence and restraint in conversation, allowing others space to discover and speak. This means not always feeling the need to fill space or say everything you think.

31. Speak Up, Take Space

If you tend to withhold speech, practice sharing more and speaking up to take up appropriate space in conversations. This balances the tendency to be too quiet and ensures your voice is heard when needed.

32. Speak Truthfully, Avoid Lies

Before speaking, verify if what you are about to say is true. Practice speaking the truth and avoid covering up facts, as this is a core aspect of right speech and integrity.

33. Mindful of Words and Silence

Recognize that both words and silence have consequences. Avoid harsh speech, including silence when it means not speaking up against injustice, as both can have significant impact.

34. Gossip Mindfully with Close Friends

When engaging in ‘gossip’ with close friends, do so with the intent of understanding people or with a sense of humor, ensuring it does not create harm. Be mindful of the context (time, degree, condition, place).

35. Attune to Action’s “Right Size”

Practice ‘right action’ by attuning to the appropriate ‘size’ of your actions in any given space and time. Be aware of how much space you are taking up and adjust accordingly to avoid ‘killing’ the energy in a room.

36. Prioritize Liveliness, Not Perfection

Prioritize liveliness, service, love, and vitality over the pursuit of perfection or control. Recognize that perfection is not the goal of a meaningful life and can lead to sadness.