Before initiating new habits like exercise or diet, cultivate a warmer, friendlier attitude towards yourself and ‘have your own back,’ as this upstream habit of self-compassion is a more effective and wiser foundation for change.
When setting intentions for change, ensure they arise from love and a deep appreciation of who you are, rather than inadequacy or shame, to create a foundation for sustainable motivation.
Shift your focus from specific goals (e.g., ’lose 20 pounds’) to your core values (e.g., ‘be as healthy as possible’), as genuine core values energize you and provide a sustainable, kindness-based motivation.
To genuinely be compassionate with yourself, understand your core values, as these define who you are and what gives your life meaning, allowing you to be kind to the authentic person you are.
Understand that true self-compassion involves caring for yourself in the deepest way, considering both short-term and long-term benefits to avoid actions that diminish your quality of life or lead to resignation.
Make it a profound self-compassionate act to regularly ask yourself, ‘What do I need?’ and then explore specific needs like comfort, soothing, validation, protection, provision, or motivation.
When in a tough spot, ask yourself how you would treat a really good friend in the same predicament, then apply that same attitude, words, and actions to yourself instead of defaulting to self-criticism.
Recognize that cultivating self-compassion is a long-term process requiring patience, and practice self-compassion towards yourself when you notice you’re struggling or not applying the skills.
Strive for alignment between your thoughts, words, emotions, and actions, as this fosters self-trust and allows you to be unshakable, leading to a more genuine and compassionate self-relationship.
Practice any form of meditation that allows you to stop and self-observe, as this builds the capacity to be present to your experience in daily life, creating space for a compassionate response.
Complement mindfulness by intentionally adding warmth to your meditation practice, directing it towards yourself through images, warming the breath, kind language, or self-touch, especially after initial mindfulness settles the mind.
Sit on a cushion and repeat kind phrases to yourself, such as ‘May I be safe, may I be peaceful, may I be healthy,’ especially when feeling frightened or distressed, as this can comfort yourself and reduce self-absorption.
When feeling anxious, place a hand over your chest or belly and gently rub your body while making soft sounds like ‘oh, yeah,’ to activate a physiology of safety and security.
When encountering difficulty with self-compassion practices (like putting a hand over your heart), explore what comes up for you and ask why it feels difficult, as this can reveal underlying training or beliefs.
When practicing self-compassion, expect uncomfortable feelings or old wounds to arise; this ‘backdraft’ is a natural part of the process, as the mind reveals what needs healing, offering an opportunity to reparent yourself with kindness.
Understand that loving-kindness meditation is about cultivating the intention of goodwill towards yourself, rather than solely seeking pleasant feelings, as difficult emotions will inevitably arise as part of the healing process.
When gratitude triggers shame, mindfully notice the shame, recognize it as a common human experience, and then direct kindness to the physical sensation of shame in your body (e.g., by rubbing the area, talking to it, or listening).
When cultivating self-kindness, expect to become more vividly aware of your inner self-criticism; continue to saturate yourself with kindness and patience, trusting that your heart will eventually open.