Interrogate your own reactions, like dissociation or detachment, to understand their origin stories and communicate them to others so they can interpret your behavior more accurately. This helps others understand your responses in context, rather than misinterpreting them as being about them.
Actively work to unpack and process your traumatic or painful experiences, as unresolved issues will inevitably leak out in unintended ways and negatively impact your relationships.
Reframe having needs as a fundamental and normal aspect of being human, rather than viewing it as a sign of being ’needy’ or demanding too much.
Practice stopping, thinking, and observing to identify and become aware of your own needs, which is a crucial first step in unlearning silence.
Strive to be aware and intentional about your choices regarding silence and actively consider the potential impacts of those choices on yourself and others.
When someone else is silent, resist the urge to fill that silence with your own faulty or negative narrative, as this can cloud your ability to identify your needs and trigger unhelpful emotional responses.
Question the prioritization of certain communication modes (e.g., real-time verbal) and be open to different ways people communicate effectively, playing to their individual strengths rather than labeling alternative methods as weaknesses.
Avoid unintentionally silencing others by recognizing and empathizing with how difficult it might be for them to use their voice, especially if speaking up comes easily to you.
When preparing to speak up, identify your deeper motivation or ‘bigger why’ for having the conversation; this purpose will sustain you through immediate fear, discomfort, or uncertainty.
Explain your perspective and how you see things to others, recognizing that your view is legitimate but limited, and that others may lack your information or be wired differently.
Clearly articulate what you are asking for or what you need from others (e.g., a listening ear, advice, a specific action) so they can understand and respond effectively.
View resistance or pushback from others as valuable information rather than a setback; engage it by asking questions like ‘What concerns do you have?’ or ‘What would need to be different?’ to understand their perspective and find a way forward.
When deciding whether to speak up, avoid the common bias of over-indexing on short-term costs (e.g., immediate discomfort) and under-indexing on the long-term costs of silence (e.g., consequences in five days, months, or years).
Be aware of ‘present bias’ (tendency towards short-term thinking) and ‘self-bias’ (over-focus on your own immediate thoughts and the ‘spotlight effect’) when evaluating the costs and benefits of speaking up, and actively consider the long-term costs of not speaking up.
Actively consider the potential positive benefits of speaking up, such as greater intimacy, being truly known, or having your needs met in a different way, to balance the perceived costs.
Conduct small, low-risk experiments in your daily life to practice speaking up and gather positive data points that demonstrate it is okay to ask for what you need.
Utilize a trusted person as a ‘sounding board’ to reflect back what you’re saying, helping you clarify your thoughts and practice expressing yourself without immediate judgment, gaining embodied experience and confidence.
Make rules, expectations, and decision-making processes explicit rather than implicit to avoid misunderstandings and unintended silencing, especially by being clear about when you are genuinely consulting for input versus when a decision has already been made.
Actively design communication flows within relationships or teams to optimize for everyone’s voice, considering different wiring, strengths, and preferred modes of communication.
Develop and share an ‘operator’s manual’ for yourself, presenting it as evolving hypotheses about how you show up and prefer to interact, rather than rigid terms and conditions, acknowledging that you will continue to change.
After noticing your needs, intentionally decide if and how you want to disclose them, recognizing and centering your agency in this choice.
Reflect on past instances of how you and others may have mutually silenced one another and the impact this had, to find new, more intentional ways to move forward that honor all parties.
If you realize you unintentionally silenced someone, avoid self-flagellation, guilt, or shame; instead, focus on what you can do differently going forward to align your actions with your intentions.
Choose silence as an intentional act of self-care or boundary setting, ensuring it is a conscious choice rather than a forced one where you feel compelled to bite your tongue.
Practice momentary silence to create a buffer between external stimuli and your immediate reaction, allowing for more intentional and considered responses.
Engage in dialogue about the impact of silence in your relationships to actively avoid its negative consequences, such as suffering in silence or intensifying existing suffering.
It is appropriate to intentionally silence someone (e.g., if they are being harmful or disrespectful) to set necessary boundaries and honor your own dignity and the dignity of others.
Actively connect the dots for others by explaining your perspective and how you see things, recognizing that people are wired differently and may not have access to the same information or definitions.
Practice expressing your own needs and actively invite others to share theirs, fostering a virtuous cycle of mutual understanding and joint problem-solving.
When in any dynamic, remember that you are a legitimate ‘party to the negotiation’ and therefore have your own valid needs, goals, hopes, and concerns that deserve consideration.
Actively inquire about others’ needs and how you can support them, rather than assuming or neglecting their role as a party in the interaction.
Encourage others to speak up by changing their ‘calculation’: consistently show them that you will hear, receive, appreciate, or even reward their candid feedback.
When receiving feedback, choose not to be defensive and actively invite it, clearly communicating the best way for others to get through to you (e.g., reading vs. real-time verbal).
If you are in a position of power, publicly reward people for telling you things you don’t want to hear to foster a culture of voice and psychological safety within your team or group.
Consistently demonstrate that speaking up is not only acceptable but beneficial, thereby building a ‘culture of voice’ where people feel safe and encouraged to share their thoughts.
Actively discuss and negotiate communication preferences with others to find mutually beneficial methods that accommodate different styles and strengths.
Be flexible and accepting of different communication methods from others (e.g., voice memos, text), rather than rigidly demanding they communicate in your preferred way, to maintain relationships and intimacy.
If you have an established voice, lend your social capital and publicly endorse others, especially those with subordinated identities or different communication styles, to encourage others to listen to them and disrupt biases.
As a parent, balance the immediate ease of enforcing silence with the long-term goal of raising children who can express their opinions and needs, understanding that listening to them today contributes to their future ability to communicate.
Actively listen to your children’s opinions to provide them with positive data points that their voice matters, thereby encouraging them to speak up and develop their communication skills.
As a parent, articulate the impact of your child’s behavior on you (e.g., ‘your stomping makes it hard for me to answer’) rather than silently tolerating it, to teach them about relational impact and effective communication.
Recognize that unlearning silence is a group effort; actively seek support from those around you (e.g., spouse, children) by communicating how they can help you on your journey to find and use your voice.