Engage in the work of unpacking past traumatic or painful experiences, as unresolved issues can unintentionally leak out and negatively impact those around you.
As an adult, interrogate your present responses, such as dissociation, by naming them and understanding their origin story, which helps others accurately interpret your behavior.
Challenge the belief that having needs makes you needy; instead, recognize that having needs is a fundamental aspect of being human and a starting point for rewiring your relationship with your voice.
Regularly pause to notice what you need and then intentionally decide if and how you want to disclose those needs to others, centering your agency in the process.
Apply negotiation theory by recognizing yourself as an active party in any dynamic, acknowledging your own needs, goals, hopes, and concerns rather than removing yourself from the equation.
Consciously choose silence as an act of self-care or boundary setting, ensuring it is an intentional choice rather than a forced suppression of your voice to maintain a relationship.
Cultivate awareness and intentionality regarding your choices, including when to speak or stay silent, and reflect on their impacts to foster better relationships and personal growth.
Engage in reflection on how you and others have silenced each other in the past, and use these insights to intentionally choose different, more honoring ways of interacting moving forward.
If you regret how you showed up in a past situation, discuss it to understand what happened and identify what you can do differently in the future.
Recognize that others see things differently; share your perspective and information to ‘connect the dots’ for them, helping them understand your viewpoint and fostering mutual understanding.
Before speaking up, identify your deeper ‘why’ – the bigger purpose or value that matters more than immediate fear or discomfort – to provide motivation and sustain your efforts.
Clearly articulate your specific request or need to others, such as needing a listening ear or advice, so they can understand how to best support you.
When encountering resistance or defensiveness, embrace it as valuable information to unpack; ask questions like ‘What concerns do you have?’ to understand their perspective and find a way forward.
Start with low-risk ‘small experiments’ in daily life, like asking for something simple, to gather data points that reinforce the safety and acceptability of using your voice.
Utilize a sounding board to reflect on your thoughts and practice articulating your requests or feedback, allowing you to try out your voice in a safe space and refine your message before a real conversation.
When deciding whether to speak up, actively counter the tendency to over-index on short-term personal costs and instead consider the long-term costs of staying silent.
Be aware of present bias (short-term thinking) and self-bias (over-focus on self) when making decisions about speaking up, and actively consider long-term costs of silence and potential benefits of voice.
Increase the likelihood of receiving candid feedback by changing how you show up, such as choosing not to be defensive, actively inviting feedback, and communicating your preferred method of receiving it.
If you hold a position of power, publicly reward individuals for providing candid feedback, especially when it’s difficult to hear, to foster psychological safety and a culture of voice.
Consistently demonstrate that speaking up is safe and beneficial, providing concrete examples for others to observe, thereby normalizing candid communication and building a culture of voice.
Recognize that people are wired differently and have diverse communication strengths; design communication flows to optimize for various modes, rather than prioritizing one as superior, to ensure all voices are heard.
Actively discuss and accommodate individual communication preferences, such as phone calls over video, to make it easier for people to be candid and optimize for voice.
Adapt your communication methods to accommodate others’ preferences and life stages, rather than imposing your preferred method, to reduce barriers to communication and foster intimacy.
Develop a personal ‘operator’s manual’ that outlines how you show up and your preferences, providing context for others to better understand and interact with you.
Approach your personal ‘operator’s manual’ as a set of evolving hypotheses about yourself, remaining open to change and ongoing conversation rather than presenting it as rigid terms and conditions.
Avoid unintentionally silencing others by recognizing and not underestimating how difficult it might be for them to use their voice, and inquire about their relationship with silence to foster empathy.
Use your social capital to endorse and amplify the voices of others, especially those who may be marginalized or struggle to be heard, thereby disrupting biases and encouraging others to listen.
When engaging with others, be explicitly clear about whether you are consulting for input or if a decision has already been made, to avoid unintentional silencing and foster respect.
It is appropriate to set boundaries and silence harmful or disrespectful behavior from others, as this honors both your own dignity and the dignity of those around you.
Avoid the trap of implicit rules by explicitly stating your expectations and boundaries, clarifying what is and isn’t acceptable in a given situation or relationship.
To care for and lead people well, actively inquire about what others need and how you can support them, rather than making assumptions or failing to recognize their needs.
When discussing shared experiences, negotiate with your spouse how they are characterized and how they experience that characterization, clarifying roles in decision-making (consulting vs. vetoing).
As a parent, listen to your children’s opinions, even when inconvenient, to provide them with data points that validate their voice and needs, fostering their ability to communicate over time.
To maintain household harmony while fostering voice, articulate the impact of others’ behavior on you (e.g., ‘your stomping makes it hard for me to answer’) rather than silently tolerating it.
Recognize that unlearning silence is group work; actively ask the people around you (your ’team’) how they can support you on your journey to find and use your voice.
If one partner disproportionately handles household routines, the other partner should actively partake and share responsibilities to prevent one person from feeling silenced or overburdened.
Sign up for the 7-day New Year’s Meditation Challenge with Joseph Goldstein from Jan 5-11, which is a masterclass in Buddhist meditation suitable for both beginners and experienced meditators.
Take advantage of the 30-day free trial for the new 10% Happier app to explore its features before committing to a purchase.