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The Science of Emotional Intelligence | Daniel Goleman

Dec 9, 2020 58m 43s 16 insights
How much would your relationships improve if you could up your emotional intelligence game? That phrase -- emotional intelligence -- entered the lexicon 25 years ago, when my friend Daniel Goleman wrote a book by the same name. And so on this episode, to mark the 25th anniversary edition of Emotional Intelligence, we're having Danny on the show. By way of background, he is a Harvard-trained psychologist who, along with other contemplative luminaries such as Joseph Goldstein, Sharon Salzberg, Jon Kabat-Zinn, and others, went to Asia and discovered meditation in the 1960s, and then made it a huge part of their lives and careers. In this conversation, we talk about: the four components of emotional intelligence, how to develop them, and why these skills matter so much during the middle of a pandemic. We also discuss: empathy and relationship management in the age of zoom; the "marshmallow test" and impulse control; a phenomenon he calls "amygdala hijacks"; and why so many Jewish kids in the sixties and seventies got turned on to Buddhism.   Where to find Daniel Goleman online:  Website: http://www.danielgoleman.info Twitter: https://twitter.com/DanielGolemanEI Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/danielgoleman Books Mentioned: Altered Traits: Science Reveals How Meditation Changes Your Mind, Brain, and Body by Richie Davidson https://www.richardjdavidson.com/altered-traits Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl https://bookshop.org/books/man-s-search-for-meaning-9780807014271/9780807014271 A Force for Good: The Dalai Lama's Vision for Our World by Daniel Goleman https://bookshop.org/books/a-force-for-good-the-dalai-lama-s-vision-for-our-world/9780553394894 How much could your relationships improve if your loved ones practiced mindfulness together? For a limited time, if you buy yourself a subscription to Ten Percent Happier, we'll send you a free gift subscription to share with whomever you'd like. Note that nothing is permanent, and this offer is no exception: get it before it ends by going to www.tenpercent.com/december.  Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/daniel-goleman-307
Actionable Insights

1. Widen Impulse-Action Gap

Increase your maturity by consciously widening the gap between your first impulse and your actual response, allowing you to choose more effective actions instead of regretting amygdala hijacks.

2. Practice Mindfulness Regularly

Engage in mindfulness as a mental workout by watching your thoughts and feelings without judgment, and gently bringing your mind back when distracted, which strengthens brain circuits for observation and concentration.

3. Cultivate Self-Awareness Daily

Ask yourself simple questions like ‘What am I thinking about?’ and ‘What am I feeling?’ to tune into your inner state and become more self-aware, even without formal mindfulness practice.

4. Ground Yourself with Breath

Perform a quick breath exercise by taking deep belly breaths, holding comfortably, and exhaling slowly for 6-9 repetitions to shift your physiological state from fight-or-flight to relaxation.

5. Enhance Cognitive Control

Use simple techniques like counting to 10 or taking deep breaths to enhance cognitive control, which helps manage disruptive feelings and prevents impulsive reactions.

6. Prioritize Calm for Empathy

Before attempting to tune into others, ensure you are calm and clear, as your own emotional turmoil (fears, anger) can distort your perception of another person’s state.

7. Develop Empathy through Non-Verbals

Actively tune into others by observing their tone of voice, facial expressions, and other non-verbal cues, as people rarely express their true feelings in words.

8. Practice Circle of Caring

Cultivate empathic concern by envisioning someone you’re grateful for, wishing them well, and then extending those same wishes to yourself, loved ones, acquaintances, and eventually everyone.

9. Engage in Compassion in Action

Move beyond wishing others well by actively doing something to help, such as reaching out to a struggling colleague, supporting climate action, or showing accountability and transparency in leadership.

10. Maintain Relationships Actively

Combat loneliness and its negative health impacts by actively maintaining strong relationships, even through virtual means like Zoom calls or phone calls, especially during times of physical separation.

11. Foster Cross-Divide Friendships

Build and maintain one-on-one friendships with people from different partisan, racial, ethnic, or religious backgrounds to bridge divides and reduce stereotypes, even if ideologies remain unchanged.

12. Teach Kids Cognitive Control

Help children develop self-management skills by teaching them to delay gratification, such as requiring homework completion before playtime, which predicts greater financial and health success later in life.

13. Connect on Zoom Intentionally

When interacting virtually, make an intentional effort to observe fleeting facial expressions and other non-verbals to better sense the other person’s emotional state, compensating for the lack of direct eye contact.

14. Structure Meditation Practice

Engage in daily meditation for maintaining progress in self-awareness and resilience, but consider going on retreat for dedicated periods to accelerate personal advancement in practice.

15. Acknowledge Homeless Individuals

Practice compassion by simply stopping to talk to or offer something (food, money) to homeless individuals, as noticing them is a significant small step against their experience of invisibility.

16. Demand Environmental Transparency

Advocate for and seek out information on the environmental impact of products and personal habits, aiming for transparency at the point of purchase to make informed, planet-friendly choices.