<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p>---</p> <p>The four rules for a meaningful conversation, when to be vulnerable, and how to form the habits of becoming a supercommunicator.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>Charles Duhigg is a Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist and author of the bestselling <em>The Power of Habit</em> and <em>Smarter Faster Better.</em> His new book is called <a href="https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/677212/supercommunicators-by-charles-duhigg/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Supercommunicators</em></a><em>.</em></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>In this episode we talk about:</strong></p> <p><br /></p> <ul> <li>How he defines super communicator </li> <li>The four rules for a meaningful conversation </li> <li>How and when to deploy vulnerability </li> <li>How to transform shallow questions into deep ones</li> <li>The fast friends procedure </li> <li>And how to form the habits of becoming a supercommunicator </li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Related Episodes:</strong></p> <ul> <li>Dan Clurman and Mudita Nisker on <a href="https://tenpercent-happier.webflow.io/tph/podcast-episode/dan-clurman-and-mudita-nisker-494" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">communication</a></li> <li>Daniel Goleman on <a href="https://tenpercent-happier.webflow.io/tph/podcast-episode/daniel-goleman-307" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">emotional intelligence</a> and <a href="https://tenpercent-happier.webflow.io/tph/podcast-episode/daniel-goleman-716" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">optimal performance</a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Sign up for Dan's weekly newsletter</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3QtGRqJ" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>here</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Follow Dan on social:</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3tGigG5" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Instagram</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3FOA84J" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>TikTok</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Ten Percent Happier online</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/46TZglY" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>bookstore</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Subscribe to our</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3FybRzD" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>YouTube Channel</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Our favorite playlists on:</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3Qa8kMT" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Anxiety</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3MjtMxF" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Sleep</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QvyA5J" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Relationships</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QxZASc" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Most Popular Episodes</strong></a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>For tickets to Dan Harris: Celebrating 10 Years of 10% Happier at Symphony Space:</strong> <a href="https://www.symphonyspace.org/events/vp-dan-harris-10-happier-10-year-anniversary" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>click here</strong></a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.</a><a href="http://tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/charles-duhigg" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/charles-duhigg</a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Additional Resources:</strong></p> <ul> <li>Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: <a href="https://10percenthappier.app.link/install" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://10percenthappier.app.link/install</a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p>
Actionable Insights
1. Identify Conversation Type
Recognize that discussions often involve multiple types of conversations (practical, emotional, social) and that miscommunication occurs when people are having different types simultaneously. Actively listen for clues (words, body language, tone) about the other person’s desired conversation type to ensure you’re on the same page.
2. Apply Matching Principle
Once you identify the conversation type, either match the other person’s conversational mode (e.g., respond emotionally to emotional cues) or invite them to match yours. This helps bridge communication gaps and foster connection by ensuring you’re having the same kind of conversation at the same time.
3. Ask Deep Questions
Ask questions that invite others to share their values, beliefs, or experiences, even casually (e.g., ‘Why’s that?’, ‘What do you make of that?’). This draws out who the other person is and what kind of conversation they seek, transforming shallow interactions into meaningful ones.
4. Reciprocate Vulnerability Authentically
After asking a deep question, share something similarly vulnerable or insightful about yourself to create a reciprocal connection and avoid making it feel like an interview. Ensure your vulnerability is authentic and focuses on reflecting the other person’s feelings rather than their specific circumstances or stealing their spotlight.
5. Practice Reflective Listening
Employ reflective listening in all conversations by rephrasing what you’ve heard in your own words. This universally satisfies the human need to feel understood and is a powerful tool for connection, even if the other person knows it’s a technique.
6. Loop for Understanding in Conflict
During difficult or conflicting conversations, use ’looping for understanding’: first, ask a question; second, repeat back in your own words what you heard; and third, ask if you got it right. This proves you’re listening and almost inevitably makes the other person listen to you in return.
7. Follow Four Conversation Rules
For meaningful conversations, follow four rules: 1) Figure out what kind of conversation is happening, 2) Nudge into emotional territory by asking how they feel and sharing your own, 3) Figure out what each person wants through subtle ’experiments,’ and 4) Make it part of a bigger conversation about how you relate to other people or society, acknowledging differences.
To make communication skills instinctual, identify specific cues (e.g., another person’s vulnerability or emotional language), practice the desired communication routine (e.g., reflective listening, asking deep questions), and consciously acknowledge and savor the positive rewards of successful connection or effort.
9. Savor Victories, Replay Mistakes
Actively savor successful communication interactions to reinforce positive learning, putting the learnings into your ‘molecules.’ When mistakes occur, mentally replay the scenario with the desired, correct actions two or three times until that memory feels real, training your brain for future situations.
10. Match Non-Verbal Cues
Consciously match the other person’s energy and intensity, including their laughter, to non-verbally signal a desire to connect and listen. This shows you take connection seriously and helps establish rapport, as 80% of laughter is used to connect rather than respond to something funny.