Shift your mindset to understand that conversation is a trainable skill, not merely a natural talent or ‘factory setting,’ which empowers you to actively develop and improve your abilities.
Aim for a high level of both self-disclosure and other-oriented talk in conversations, as great conversationalists engage in a ‘ping-pongy’ back-and-forth rather than focusing too much on themselves or solely on their partner.
Gain clarity on your own goals and, more importantly, what other people care about in a conversation, using a ‘conversational compass’ to better navigate interactions.
Spend 30 seconds before a conversation thinking about flexible topics that might interest the other person or that you need to remember to discuss, which reduces anxiety and improves fluency.
Feel empowered to assertively switch topics when a conversation starts to lag or ‘circle the drain,’ as discussing more topics generally leads to better conversations and avoids stagnation.
Avoid getting stuck in mundane small talk by quickly moving to more tailored or personal discussions, using follow-up questions or personal disclosure to make the conversation more interesting.
Consciously make an effort to ask more questions in every conversation, as this fundamental practice unlocks interactivity, shows care, and improves relationships and outcomes.
Prioritize asking follow-up questions that build on what your partner has already said, as this demonstrates listening, curiosity, and is an effective way to move beyond small talk.
Use ‘what’ questions instead of ‘why’ questions to elicit more information from people, as ‘why’ questions can feel accusatory and less threatening.
Do not ask questions merely as a pretext to talk about yourself; it’s better to directly share your own stories or humble brags than to use insincere questions.
Incorporate levity, humor, and warmth into conversations to maintain engagement, create a sense of safety, and disrupt boredom, which helps achieve all other conversational goals.
Adopt a mindset of ‘how do we make this situation fun’ rather than trying to ‘be funny,’ which relieves personal pressure and fosters collective responsibility for enjoyable interactions.
Voice positive thoughts about others by giving sincere compliments, as this makes the recipient feel good and also benefits the compliment giver.
Be mindful of your status when using self-deprecating humor; it is often perceived as charming from a high-status position but can make you seem less competent if you are in a low-status position.
Strive to be an incredible listener, recognizing that the best conversationalists excel at this skill, even though it requires conscious effort against natural egocentrism.
Demonstrate engagement through nonverbal cues like making eye contact, nodding, smiling, and leaning forward, as these are foundational for showing your partner you care.
Go beyond nonverbal cues by using your words to show you’ve heard someone, through affirmation, repeating or paraphrasing in your own way, and asking follow-up questions.
Reference earlier parts of the conversation through ‘callbacks,’ which signals attentive listening and can make interactions feel clever and engaging.
Summarize what your interlocutor has said in your own words to ensure shared understanding and make them feel heard, even if you sometimes get it slightly wrong and need to reflect corrections.
Employ repair strategies like admitting you missed something or clarifying misunderstandings (e.g., ‘I just missed what you said, do you mind repeating it?’) to build accurate shared understanding and safety.
In rewarding relationships, be willing to temporarily suspend your own needs to prioritize what the other person needs, recognizing that caring about the relationship can matter more than your fleeting self-interest.
Consciously work to overcome your brain’s natural self-interested and egocentric tendencies by focusing on others’ needs and perspectives, as kindness requires effort against human nature.
Ensure you are also sharing your own perspective and engaging in self-disclosure, as constantly focusing only on others’ needs without sharing about yourself can lead to burnout and feeling unknown.
Over time, aim for a balanced ledger of generosity in relationships where both parties are willing to prioritize each other’s needs; if reciprocity is consistently lacking, you may need to advocate for your own needs or re-evaluate the relationship.
In difficult conversations, use ‘receptive language’ to maintain conviction for your own views while remaining open and encouraging to differing viewpoints, preventing conversations from getting derailed.
Employ qualifying language such as ‘maybe,’ ‘sometimes,’ or ‘I wonder if’ to hedge your claims and express uncertainty in difficult moments, making your statements more pleasant and open to discussion.
In difficult conversations, divide yourself into multiple parts (e.g., ‘as your friend,’ ‘as a coach’) to express both empathy and deliver direct, constructive feedback in the same breath, making it easier for others to receive.
When conversations get tense, change something about the environment—like inviting a third person, dimming lights, or taking a break—as small modifications can significantly alter the interaction’s mood and safety.
Integrate new conversational skills into your life by practicing one new technique at a time in daily conversations, running personal experiments to discover what works best for you.