When feeling bad about a secret, distinguish between shame (“I’m a bad person”) and guilt (“I did something wrong”); focus on guilt, as it allows you to recognize that your actions can change, leading to a healthier outlook and a path forward.
Strive to avoid having secrets, but if you do, ensure you talk about them with at least one person so you are not alone with the secret, as being alone with a secret is the most burdensome aspect.
If revealing a secret to the person it concerns would cause too much pain or damage, confide in a trusted third party to get help and support, which can alleviate the burden while maintaining secrecy from the original person.
When seeking a confidant, look for someone compassionate, empathic, caring, kind, warm, and assertive, who can provide both support and the necessary push to act.
Talk to others about your problems or secrets to gain new perspectives and challenge your own thinking, as relying solely on your own mind is less effective and healthy.
Do not put off difficult conversations, as they tend to get harder over time; instead, seek help from others to plan how and when to reveal sensitive information.
When reflecting on secrets, shift your focus from past events (which cannot be changed) to the present and future, as this approach is more productive and less harmful.
If you want others to open up, model this behavior by opening up to them first, as reciprocal disclosure feels natural and fosters comfort.
Individuals in leadership positions should model basic humanity and frailty by openly discussing their own anxieties or struggles, as this incentivizes others to be themselves and fosters psychological safety.
Combine learning (study) with practical application (practice) to engage multiple parts of the mind and integrate wisdom more deeply.
Strive to live as ethically as possible, as this can reduce the number of secrets related to perceived misbehavior, leading to a “bliss of blamelessness.”
Be cautious about confiding in someone who has overlapping social networks with the person you are keeping the secret from, as this places a significant burden on the confidant.
Avoid confiding in people who are merely polite, overly concerned with social norms, or highly social/extroverted, as they may be less helpful or more likely to inadvertently reveal your secret.
Even a lukewarm or not overtly positive response from a confidant can be helpful, as the act of confiding itself can make you feel better and relieve the burden of secrecy.
Understand that having secrets is incredibly common and that many people keep similar types of secrets, which can help you feel less alone and more comfortable discussing your own.
While it’s acceptable to have some secrets, aim to reduce the number of unnecessary ones you keep, as many people hold more secrets than they need to.