<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p><em>---</em></p> <p>How learning to apologize can upgrade your life.</p> <p><br /></p> <p><a href="https://www.eveensler.org/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">V (formerly Eve Ensler)</a> is the Tony award-winning playwright, author, and activist. Her play <em>The Vagina Monologues</em> is an Obie award-winning, Olivier-nominated theatrical phenomenon that has been translated into 48 languages and performed in 140 countries. She is the author of numerous books, including the recently released bestseller <em>Reckoning</em> (2023)<em>,</em> heralded by <em>the Washington Post</em> as "gutting and gorgeous." Other best-selling books include <em>The Apology</em> (2019), translated into 20 languages, <em>In the Body of the World,</em> and <em>The New York Times</em> bestseller <em>I Am an Emotional Creature</em>. She starred on Broadway in <em>The Good Body</em> and, most recently Off-Broadway at Manhattan Theatre Club in the critically acclaimed <em>In the Body of the World</em>. She helped create <em>That Kindness: Nurses in Their Own Words,</em> presented by the Brooklyn Academy of Music in collaboration with theaters across the US, as a tribute to nurses during the COVID-19 pandemic. V is currently writing the story and co-writing lyrics for the musical <em>Becoming</em> (formerly WILD), which made its world premiere in December 2021 at The American Repertory Theater. She recently wrote <em>This is Crazy</em>, a play about mental illness commissioned by the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Her film credits include <em>The Vagina Monologues</em> (HBO), <em>What I Want My Words to Do to You</em> (Executive Producer, Winner of the Sundance Film Festival Freedom of Expression Award, PBS), <em>Mad Max: Fury Road</em> (Consultant), and <em>City of Joy</em> documentary (Netflix). She is the founder of V-Day, the 26-year-old global activist movement that has raised over 120 million dollars to end violence against women, gender-expansive people, girls, and the planet—and founder of One Billion Rising, the largest global mass action to end gender-based violence in over 200 countries, as well as a co-founder of the City of Joy, a sanctuary and revolutionary center for women in the Congo who have survived sexual assault. She writes regularly for <em>The Guardian</em>. </p> <p><strong>In this episode we talk about:</strong></p> <ul> <li>V's 4-step process for making an apology</li> <li>Why she doesn't believe in forgiveness</li> <li>Her concept that the wound is the portal</li> <li>And much more. </li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Related Episodes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/DJ-Anger-1" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">What To Do When You're Angry | Matthew Brensilver, Vinny Ferraro, Kaira Jewel Lingo</a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Sign up for Dan's newsletter</strong> <a href="http://www.danharris.com" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>here</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Follow Dan on social:</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3tGigG5" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Instagram</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3FOA84J" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>TikTok</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Ten Percent Happier online</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/46TZglY" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>bookstore</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Subscribe to our</strong> <a href="https://bit.ly/3FybRzD" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>YouTube Channel</strong></a></p> <p><strong>Our favorite playlists on:</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3Qa8kMT" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Anxiety</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3MjtMxF" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Sleep</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QvyA5J" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Relationships</strong></a><strong>,</strong> <a href="https://spoti.fi/3QxZASc" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><strong>Most Popular Episodes</strong></a></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://happierapp.com/podcast/tph/v-868" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://happierapp.com/podcast/tph/v-868</a></p>
Actionable Insights
1. Practice V’s Four-Step Apology
When you’ve done something wrong, follow V’s four steps: 1) Investigate your history and motivations for the action; 2) Detail exactly what you did; 3) Understand the impact of your actions on the other person; 4) Make a true apology, indicating you won’t do it again, to clean up the relationship. This process, done regularly, can fundamentally change your life and relationships.
2. Cultivate Deep, Reflective Apology
Make apologies a “deep rooted, reflective” process that involves investigating your own history to understand what led to your actions, detailing exactly what you did, understanding the short-term and long-term impact on the other person, and committing to change so you don’t repeat the harm. This detailed approach is crucial for liberation for both parties.
3. Understand for Liberation
Seek to understand the antecedents and journey of those who have harmed you, not to justify their actions, but to free yourself from their narrative. Realize that their actions often had nothing to do with your intrinsic being, which can be the greatest liberation from self-blame.
4. Engage Inner Dialogue with Perpetrators
Recognize that those who have harmed you often “live inside us.” Engage in inner work through therapy, spiritual practice, or writing to have a dialogue with these internal representations and rearrange how they exist within you, rather than needing direct interaction with the external person.
5. Address Closed-Heartedness
Identify areas where your heart is closed due to past hurts or aversion, as these are the places where inner work is most needed. Allow yourself to open up these “off-limit” parts, understanding that “the wound is the portal” to healing and liberation.
6. Write Self-Apologies for Healing
If you are waiting for an apology you never received, consider writing one to yourself from the perspective of the person who harmed you. This method can help you break out of the perpetrator’s narrative and release long-held bitterness and rage.
7. Reject Pressure to Forgive
Do not feel pressured to forgive those who have harmed you, as forgiveness can feel like a posture or even another form of violence. Instead, focus on a process where accountability and responsibility are taken, allowing for a release from rancor and bitterness for all involved.
8. Prioritize Self-Accountability
Take responsibility for your actions by doing the deep work of self-accountability, being true and honest about what you’ve done, and exploring it deeply within yourself. This commitment to inner work is what truly frees both you and the person you’ve harmed.
9. Connect with Nature for Guidance
Devote yourself to the earth and nature, spending time learning about trees, rivers, and creatures, and paying attention to them. This practice can help you feel integrated and connected, informing you of your purpose and how to serve, and keeping you alive and joyful.
Shift the focus from treating individual mental illness through a medical model to addressing systemic issues. Actively work to build community and solidarity to make everyone feel part of a story, recognizing that collective unwellness requires collective solutions.
11. Create Safe Spaces for Apology
When someone apologizes, create a safe space for them to do so without being shamed or attacked. This encourages genuine confessions and admissions of wrongdoing, fostering healthier relationships and preventing defensiveness.
12. Find Healing in Gratitude
When direct apologies are impossible (e.g., due to illness or death), seek healing through gratitude for the pure love and connection that may emerge when stressors are removed. This can serve as a substitution for an apology, providing a sense of closure and peace.
13. Clean Up Family Karma
Engage in difficult conversations with family members about past harms, allowing them to acknowledge and own their part. This process of cleaning up generational hurts can change fundamental karma and reality for future generations, fostering more loving relationships.
14. Understand Others’ Narratives
To understand your own personal narrative, investigate and understand the narratives of your parents or others who shaped you, to the best of your ability. This can help you recognize how their experiences influenced your own and foster healing.
15. Practice Ongoing Consciousness
Develop a habit of bringing consciousness to your behavior and why you’re doing it, especially when you act unkindly. This awareness can help you develop mechanisms to prevent harmful behaviors and lead to fundamental change.