Instead of obsessing over whether others liked you, focus on self-awareness and clarity in your vision and intent; ask yourself, ‘Was I really clear in communicating what I wanted to communicate?’
Actively disrupt overthinking by distinguishing between known facts and interpretations, rather than endlessly swirling ideas in your mind and obsessing over them without reaching a cold, hard fact.
When receiving tough criticism, especially substantive feedback that triggers shame, view it with warmth and charity to allow you to process it, quiet the ‘ugliness,’ and let good qualities emerge.
To achieve peace of mind and improve relationships, actively turn toward and see your neuroses and ambient shame, as insight, though initially uncomfortable, is the only move that makes sense for freedom.
Reduce constant exposure to external feedback loops by taking social media platforms off your phone or limiting checking mentions, especially if you are not built for that constant dialogue.
Understand that you are not supposed to fully take every piece of feedback; you are allowed to sift through it, decide what actually helps and makes you better, and allow other things to be just opinions.
Engage in activities that demand your full presence and energy, such as spending time with children, to help break patterns of rumination and focus on what truly matters in the present moment.
When receiving subjective stylistic feedback (e.g., ’too assertive’ or ’too emotional’), ask ‘compared to who?’ to force the reviewer to consider whether they would give the same feedback to others, ensuring standards are applied evenly.
When receiving feedback, ask the reviewer to draw a line from the identified style or behavior to your actual work product and results, making the feedback concrete and illustrating its impact.
If you are in a feedback session and not receiving the type of concrete feedback needed to improve, proactively ask your manager for specific ways you can do better than you are right now.
When providing feedback, tie it to outcomes and focus on results, rather than hyper-focusing on a woman’s leadership style or other stylistic elements.
Address unkind behavior consistently, regardless of gender, ensuring that standards for congenial conduct in the workplace are applied universally to both men and women.
When describing a woman’s contributions, avoid vague compliments like ‘helpful’ as it can relegate her to a helper position; instead, be specific about her concrete contributions to a project.
When giving references or evaluations, offer balanced feedback that includes both strengths (e.g., strong, assertive) and relational qualities (e.g., sweet, likable) to avoid unintended negative inferences.
Learn to over-communicate expectations, the importance of tasks, and timelines to ensure everyone is clear on the journey and to avoid frustrations at the end of a project.
If you tend to offer solutions too quickly in meetings, prepare materials and study up in advance to create more breathing room for others to contribute and counter-propose.
As a leader, make sure to ask everyone for their opinion in meetings to ensure people feel heard, seen, and that they belong, which fosters psychological safety within the team.
Men can benefit from developing ‘female-coded’ traits such as being relational and communicative with their team members, as these can be very advantageous in management and leadership.
View vulnerability not as a demerit, but as a point of connectivity that can actually make you a better manager and leader, opening up more room to run and more ways to be.
Men should be conditioned to grapple with their emotions, as suppressing them can manifest negatively in both personal lives and at the office, underserving boys and men.
Recognize that organizational programs addressing unconscious bias only work if there is sincere buy-in from top management, as evidence clearly shows they create better business outcomes.
Be aware that women of color often contend with additional challenges and stereotypes in the workplace, facing expectations of how they should show up and how quickly people are to stereotype them.