Ask challenging questions early and regularly to build or rebuild a strong relationship foundation, rather than waiting for conflicts to arise. This allows for spaciousness in discussion and helps avoid future disagreements.
Recognize that ‘being in love’ is sufficient for a love affair but not for a long-term relationship, which requires a deeper commitment beyond initial fireworks.
Prioritize creating a shared life that you both genuinely love, as relationships often end not due to a lack of love for each other, but an inability to build a mutually fulfilling life.
Work on reprogramming your internal dialogue to be less judgmental and harsh towards yourself, as this self-compassion profoundly improves how you show up in all your relationships, making it a gesture of kindness to others.
Instead of trying to force your partner to share your interests in personal growth or specific activities, focus on their genuine interest in you as a person, as this mutual curiosity is crucial for bridging gaps.
Understand that while romance may fade, intimacy—the ability to deeply know and show yourself to another—can always deepen and is a more honest and sustainable commitment for a lifelong relationship.
Accept that relationships are inherently terrifying and require constant vulnerability, openness, and gentleness, which are essential for navigating their powerful and mysterious nature.
In fraught conversations, actively listen to understand your partner’s perspective rather than ’listening for’ specific outcomes that confirm your fears or hopes, which prevents meaningful connection.
When your partner speaks, repeat back the ‘bones’ of what they’ve said in your own words to ensure they feel heard and understood, which also forces you to listen deeply and de-escalates potential defensiveness.
Learn your own and your partner’s primary ways of responding to challenges (move against, move towards, move away) to better understand each other’s needs and adapt your approaches during conflict.
Recognize that perpetual irritation and discomfort are normal aspects of long-term relationships; acknowledging this keeps you present, open, and attuned, fostering deeper love rather than signaling a problem.
When discussing hard questions, set aside specific, protected time (e.g., during a drive, at dinner) rather than trying to fit them into casual moments, ensuring a defined start and end.
Identify and openly discuss potential deal-breaker issues like religion or the desire for children early in a relationship, before making significant commitments like marriage or having babies.
Have frank conversations about money, including income, debt, and how you plan to manage shared versus separate accounts, as these are critical indicators of commitment and can prevent future conflict.
Talk about how much of your life you’re willing to share online, your comfort with privacy, and how to navigate interactions with past relationships on social media.
Engage in conversations about shared political ideologies, whether differing views matter, and how to manage relationships with friends or family who hold opposing political beliefs.
Address the importance of meals together and any significant dietary differences (e.g., veganism vs. carnivorism), understanding how these reflect broader ethical views and impact shared home life.
Recognize that sexual connection and desire are fluid and often better worked out ‘in the doing’ rather than through extensive verbal reflection, requiring a unique and protected space.
Understand that sex needs protection and a unique ‘crucible’ for flourishing; avoid treating it as prosaic or conventional, like other topics such as food or money.
Engage in meditation practice to naturally soften your heart and bring awareness to aspects of your relationships or self that you might otherwise be unwilling to confront, as the practice fosters unavoidable insight.
Practice meditation to organically develop greater loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity, which will inherently feed into and improve all your relationships.
Approach relationships with the understanding that you won’t ‘get it right’ or ‘win’; instead, embrace the process of muddling through, much like a meditation practice.
Recognize that both relationships and meditation are alive, unpredictable, and different every time, requiring flexibility and presence regardless of your initial intentions or mood.
Understand that arguments in long-term relationships often revolve around practical issues like division of labor, holidays, or family dynamics, rather than just feelings.
If your partner refuses to engage in discussions about the relationship, honestly ask yourself if you are willing to stay in a relationship where such conversations are avoided.
When using ‘The Hard Questions’ or similar tools, respect your own boundaries by skipping questions that feel too disturbing or triggering at the moment.
Be aware that anger can manifest differently (e.g., one partner gets ‘hot’ and loud, the other gets ‘cold’ and withdrawn), and understanding these differences can aid in conflict resolution.
Always differentiate between normal relationship discomforts and serious issues like abuse or addiction, which fall into a different category and require different responses.
Sign up for the free 10-day meditation challenge by June 24th via the 10% Happier app to learn practical tools for coping with anxiety and kickstart your meditation practice.