Regularly ask yourself and others, “What are you feeling? Right here, right now,” to become more interpersonally mindful and competent. This practice helps you understand internal states and communicate more intimately, making stronger connections.
Reframe conflicts and disagreements as positive signals that something important needs attention, rather than negative events to be avoided. View them as opportunities to learn about yourself and the other person, leading to deeper relationships.
Take “prudent risks” by sharing relevant aspects of yourself, stepping slightly outside your comfort zone (the “15 percent rule”). This act of courage fosters reciprocity and helps build deeper, more authentic connections.
Develop “two antennae” by being aware of your own needs and wants, and simultaneously attuned to the other person’s reactions and non-verbal cues. This interpersonal mindfulness helps you tailor your interactions and build desired relationships.
When giving feedback, focus on specific behaviors and their impact (e.g., “When you do X, I feel Y”), rather than making assumptions about character or intent. This approach makes feedback actionable and less likely to trigger defensiveness.
Frame giving feedback as a “gift” to the other person, as you are providing them with valuable information about the impact of their behavior that they may not know. Offer it out of concern to foster behavioral change.
Clearly state your positive intentions when engaging in difficult conversations, asking questions, or offering feedback (e.g., “I’m asking because I care about us”). This reduces paranoia and helps keep the conversation productive, fostering trust.
Be willing to admit insensitivity, apologize sincerely for the impact of your actions (regardless of intent), and ask to re-engage to recover from missteps. If a conflict escalates, suggest taking a break to de-escalate and return to the discussion with a clearer head.
Show genuine curiosity by asking open-ended questions about others, conveying a true desire to know them. This makes people feel freer to share and encourages their vulnerability.
Recognize and address small annoyances or misunderstandings (“pinches”) early, before they escalate into larger conflicts. This proactive approach helps resolve issues more easily and prevents relationship strain.
When expressing feelings, use “I feel” statements that describe your internal state (e.g., “I feel dismissed”), rather than imputing intent to others (e.g., “I feel like you dismissed me”). This helps avoid defensiveness and keeps the focus on your experience.
If you lack the energy or bandwidth for a deep conversation, be truthful about your current capacity. Express appreciation for the other person’s curiosity while honestly stating you don’t have it to give right now, which paradoxically can be a form of connection.
When communicating across differences (e.g., race, gender, politics), openly acknowledge your lack of full understanding of the other’s experience. This authenticity builds rapport and trust, even if you take a risk and things go “sideways.”
In remote or hybrid work settings, intentionally “double down” on personal connection by creating space for “unnecessary stuff” – asking about colleagues’ well-being and what’s important to them – to counteract the task-focused nature of virtual interactions.
When strong emotions arise in yourself or others, shift into “data collection mode” rather than defaulting to negative narratives. These intense feelings signal important underlying issues and offer significant opportunities for learning and deeper understanding.
Refer to a list of emotions to help identify and articulate your feelings, especially when you’re struggling to name what’s going on internally. This can enhance your self-awareness and communication clarity.
Actively seek out conversations that are more meaningful and connecting, rather than settling for prolonged superficial interactions. Even brief, deeper exchanges can be more fulfilling.
Visit connectandrelate.com to download free tools, including a self-assessment and a guide for creating your own learning group, to apply the concepts discussed in the book.