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The Art and Science of the World's Gooiest Cliche | Barbara Fredrickson

Apr 26, 2021 1h 8m 26 insights
One of our primary missions on this show is to rescue vital ideas that have lapsed into cliches. There are so many important concepts out there that many of us might be tempted to dismiss because they are encrusted with cultural baggage or have been reduced to potentially annoying or sappy slogans. So, for example, we've talked a lot on this podcast about things like: hope, gratitude, and "listening to your body." All of which can sound like the type of empty bromide that your spin instructor yells at you while encouraging you to pedal faster. But, in fact, these are all incredibly important operating principles for a healthy life. And, not for nothing, they are all backed up by hard science. So today we're going to tackle what may be the oldest and gooieset cliche of them all: love. The word has been ruined, in many ways, by Hollywood and pop songs. For many of us, the mere mention of the word conjures images of Tom Cruise, with tears in his eyes, while the string music swells, declaring, "You complete me."  But in my view, and in the view of my guest today, love needs to be usefully defined down. In other words, we need to knock love off its plinth, and apply it to a much wider range of human interactions. We also need to think of love not as something magical that requires luck or money or looks, but instead as a trainable skill -- one with profound implications for our health.  Barbara Fredrickson is the Kenan Distinguished Professor in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. She has written two books: one is called Positivity, the other is called Love 2.0. In this interview, we talk about how she defines love, based on her research; how meditation can help build this skill; how taking a few extra minutes to chat with people, even if you feel busy, can have psychological, physiological, and even professional benefits; and how to manage social anxiety as we emerge from our Covid cocoons.  This episode is actually part one of a two-part series running this week on social connection. Coming up on Wednesday, we'll hear from Marissa King, a professor at Yale who studies how to create social networks, even when it feels uncomfortable. And by social network, I don't mean something like Facebook. I mean actual networks of actual human beings that you see in person. She's got a lot of practical and actionable advice about how to do that, even within the context of Covid. So be sure to listen in on Wednesday. One more item of business, and it is an invitation for you to participate in this show. In June, we'll be launching a special series of podcast episodes focusing on anxiety, something I'm sure we're all too familiar with. In this series, you'll become intimately familiar with the mechanics of anxiety: how and why it shows up, and what you may be doing to feed it.  And this is where you come in. We'd love to hear from you with your questions about anxiety that experts will answer during our anxiety series on the podcast. So whether you're struggling with social anxiety, anxiety about re-entering the world post-Covid, or have any other questions about anxiety - we want to hear from you. To submit a question or share a reflection call (646) 883-8326 and leave us a voicemail with your name and phone number. If you're outside the United States, you can email us a voice memo file in mp3 format to listener@tenpercent.com. The deadline for submissions is Wednesday, May 12th.  And if you don't already have the Ten Percent Happier app, download it for free wherever you get your apps or by clicking here: https://www.tenpercent.com/?_branch_match_id=888540266380716858. Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/barbara-fredrickson-341
Actionable Insights

1. Redefine Love Broadly

Expand your definition of love beyond romance and close family to include small, positive moments of connection with strangers and acquaintances. This broader view helps you recognize and cultivate vital interactions that are foundational for health and well-being.

2. Treat Love as Trainable Skill

Shift your perspective to view love not as a magical, luck-dependent phenomenon, but as a trainable skill. This allows for intentional practice and development, leading to profound implications for your health and relationships.

3. Integrate Study and Practice

Combine intellectual understanding (study) with active application (practice) to deepen your learning and incorporate insights into your daily life. This approach engages multiple parts of the mind, making lessons more impactful and enduring.

4. Prioritize Connection Over Tasks

Consciously choose to prioritize moments of connection with others over strictly adhering to your to-do list. This investment pays dividends in your well-being, creativity, and overall capacity, making it a better long-term strategy than constant achievement.

5. Seek Daily Positive Connections

Make it a daily goal to intentionally seek out and create more positive connections with strangers and acquaintances. This practice fosters pro-social tendencies and other-oriented virtues, benefiting both individual happiness and community well-being.

6. Engage in Micro-Interactions

Take a few extra minutes to chat with people you encounter, even if you feel busy. These micro-interactions can yield significant psychological, physiological, and professional benefits by fostering positive connections.

7. Practice Social Interaction

Actively engage in human interaction to rebuild and strengthen your social skills, especially after periods of isolation. Social skill is a ‘use it or lose it’ capacity that improves with practice and enhances your biological ability to connect.

8. Exercise Social Connection Muscle

Recognize that your biological capacity for connection can atrophy if not regularly used, similar to physical muscles. Consistent social interaction is essential to maintain and improve this capacity, leading to better attunement with others.

9. Persist in Reconnecting Socially

Expect initial awkwardness or a feeling of being less socially adept when reconnecting with others, and do not let this discomfort be a limit. Continued practice will improve your social skills over time.

10. Actively Create Positivity

Understand that while negativity often arises on its own, it is your responsibility to actively create and increase moments of positivity in your daily life. This approach better equips you to manage inevitable challenges, rather than trying to prevent bad experiences.

11. Regular Meditation Practice

Engage in formal practice of either loving kindness or mindfulness meditation regularly. There is a dose-response relationship between time spent meditating and increases in both personal positive emotions and positive social connections.

12. Practice Loving Kindness Meditation

Practice loving kindness meditation to retrain yourself from self-absorption towards a more other-focused mindset. This preparatory practice tunes your ‘human instrument’ to more readily create positive connections when interacting with others.

13. Shift to Other-Focused Mindset

Cultivate a mindset that is more focused on others rather than being solely wrapped up in your own agenda or needs. This shift helps you meet people where they are and fosters positive connections.

14. Take Small Positive Steps

Implement small, consistent actions like being kinder, practicing loving kindness, or making it a goal to talk with acquaintances more often. These ‘baby steps’ can accumulate to help address conditions like depression or anxiety.

15. Experiment with Practices

Explore various practices, including different types of meditation or non-meditative approaches, to find what genuinely works for you. Not all practices are one-size-fits-all, so choose what feels effective and doesn’t backfire.

16. Seek Professional Treatment

If experiencing severe misery, depression, or anxiety, seek professional treatment, including medication if necessary. This can help individuals get off ’the absolute bottom’ and enable them to experiment with other positive approaches.

17. Engage in Acts of Service

Perform acts of kindness and engage in service to others as an antidote to loneliness. These behaviors create moments of positive connection, which are the psychological active ingredient for pulling out of isolation.

18. Build Trust Through Shared Experiences

Recognize that qualities like commitment, loyalty, and trust in relationships are not instant but grow over time through shared positive experiences. This understanding provides a roadmap for intentionally nurturing deeper connections.

19. Goal: Talk to Strangers

Make a conscious goal to initiate conversations with strangers or acquaintances more often. This simple, actionable step can help overcome social atrophy and build a wider network of positive connections.

20. Start with Personal Check-ins

Begin meetings or interactions by quickly asking about what’s going on in others’ lives or what they’re grateful for. This brief personal connection helps foster warmth and care, even in professional settings.

21. Prioritize Face-to-Face Interaction

Choose face-to-face interactions over digital communication whenever possible to deepen connections. Eye contact and real-time sensory input are crucial for sharing emotions, facilitating biological synchrony, and experiencing positivity resonance.

22. Engage in Shared Activities

Participate in activities with people of differing views, focusing on common ground rather than contentious topics. Doing things together can create positivity resonance and help transcend disagreements by highlighting shared humanity.

23. Prioritize Positive Experiences

Consciously choose to put yourself in situations that foster positive emotions and connection, even if they don’t lead to a direct accomplishment. This involves a willingness to invest effort in creating enjoyable moments for the sake of feeling good.

24. Cultivate ‘Remembering’ Practice

Develop the practice of ‘remembering’ to apply these insights and engage in positive behaviors. Practices like mindfulness can enhance your ability to recall and act on these intentions consistently.

25. Ensure Safety & Real-Time Connection

Actively work to create environments where people feel perceived safety and can engage in real-time sensory connection. These two conditions are fundamental prerequisites for experiencing love or positivity resonance in interactions.

26. Maintain Slower Pace of Life

Resist the urge to return to a high-speed, always-busy lifestyle post-pandemic. Maintaining a slower pace creates more opportunities for connection and prevents you from ‘speeding by’ other people.