Identify your needs and expectations that make you feel safe and comfortable in your life and relationships, as these form your personal boundaries.
Strive for boundaries where you can appropriately say yes or no, considering the specific person and situation, rather than applying universal rules.
Do not have porous boundaries, which means never saying no or speaking up for yourself, as this leads to frustration, burnout, and feeling overwhelmed.
Do not have rigid boundaries, which involve counter-dependency and applying strict rules to everyone and everything, as it prevents community and healthy interaction.
You don’t need 100% confidence to set boundaries; channel even 5% bravery by focusing on your health and safety, and act despite your fear.
Avoid being a psychic and predicting negative future reactions; most people actually respect boundaries, and fearing their response often prevents you from addressing an already damaging situation.
Establish boundaries before you reach a point of exhaustion or rage, as boundaries set in anger are often a sign of repeated violations and are less effective.
The easiest way to set a boundary is to identify your problem and directly state the solution, such as ‘I cannot take on any more projects right now.’
When setting a boundary, take a breath, lower your voice, and speak calmly to increase the likelihood that the other person will hear and receive your message without becoming defensive.
When communicating boundaries, think of alternate, compassionate stories for others’ behavior (e.g., it’s hard for them to talk with a mask on) instead of assuming malice, which helps you speak without anger.
Tailor your boundary communication based on the person; some appreciate a loving frame, while others, who are unwilling to receive it, require short and simple statements.
When setting boundaries, especially in personal relationships, lead with your positive intention (e.g., ‘I care about this relationship, but I can’t do X’) to frame the message constructively.
If a boundary is a permanent ’never,’ use language that conveys finality (e.g., ‘I am not a dog person, and it doesn’t fit into my life’) to prevent repeated requests.
If someone persistently violates a boundary, be prepared to restate it over and over again and, if necessary, explicitly say ‘please stop asking.’
Decide whether you prefer the discomfort of setting a hard boundary or the ongoing discomfort of enduring situations you don’t want (e.g., unwanted lunches or holiday visits).
Consciously manage your time by setting boundaries on when you respond to messages, what activities you agree to, and how many commitments are on your calendar to prevent burnout and frustration.
Create clear time boundaries for work (e.g., stopping work at 5 p.m. or working only from 10-12 on Saturdays) to support your values like family time and work-life harmony.
Be conscious of your possessions and how others treat them, verbalizing your preferences (e.g., ‘please be cautious with my car’ or ‘I don’t want you to borrow my car’).
Be comfortable expressing your need for personal space and politely ask others to adjust their proximity or follow safety protocols if they are too close or non-compliant.
Allow people to feel their emotions without judgment, avoiding telling them how they ‘should’ feel, as their feelings are based on unique experiences and narratives.
Allow others to have different thoughts and opinions without getting upset, recognizing that intellectual boundaries mean people don’t have to agree with you.
Actively wonder about and respect other people’s boundaries, recognizing that everyone’s needs and preferences for safety and comfort are different.
Pay attention to people’s hesitant ‘yes’ responses, tone, and body language, and release them from a request if you sense discomfort, rather than pushing them.
Ask clarifying questions (e.g., ‘Is that a no universally, or just this time?’) to better understand the nature of someone’s boundary and inform your future choices.
Cultivate a community of people with varied interests so you don’t have to force individuals to participate in activities they don’t enjoy just to meet your needs.
Refrain from using negative labels (e.g., ‘sassy,’ ‘bossy,’ ‘angry’) for people, especially marginalized groups, when they are simply stating a preference or boundary.
In diverse environments, learn about others’ communication styles and avoid personalizing every interaction or imposing your own cultural norms before labeling their behavior.
If you have experienced childhood trauma, engage in deeper work to understand and set boundaries, as they may be non-existent or blurred due to past neglect or abuse.
For those who experienced emotional neglect or were ‘mini-adults’ in childhood, learn what is age-appropriate (e.g., by observing age labels on toys) to address past boundary violations.
If you struggle with the discomfort of setting boundaries, seek therapy to normalize your needs and wants as healthy, making it more comfortable to implement them.
Embrace setting healthy boundaries, as doing so leads to deeper, more connected, and authentic relationships with people who genuinely belong in your life.
If setting a boundary causes a relationship to end, question whether that relationship was truly healthy or based on mutual respect in the first place.