Work to separate your self-worth from your performance, aiming for distance and perspective rather than complete overlap, as this distinction is crucial for healthy self-evaluation. Aim for small, incremental shifts (e.g., 5-10% difference) in this separation, rather than striving for a complete overhaul.
When evaluating tasks or performance, direct your attention towards the ‘work’ itself (what to do and how to do it) rather than focusing on self-evaluation, which generally leads to better performance and well-being.
Instead of trying to eliminate self-criticism, change your relationship with it by treating it like background noise; acknowledge its presence without engaging or taking it literally.
Practice self-compassion through self-kindness, non-judgmental mindfulness, and recognizing shared human experience. Express it through simple actions that ask ‘what do I need right now?’ or by using short, simple phrases like ’easy’ or ‘you’re okay.’
Transition from rigid, obligatory rules (‘have to’) to freely chosen values (‘want to’) that are continuous, intrinsically meaningful, and within your control, improving the quality of your experience.
Maintain high standards but consciously create ‘room for mistakes’ by setting a non-zero, reasonable expectation for inevitable screw-ups, acknowledging that imperfection is part of being human.
Change your self-measurement from task completion (‘did I do the thing?’) to alignment with personal values (‘am I living the life I want to live? Am I being the person I want to be?’).
Address procrastination, which is an emotion regulation problem, by breaking tasks into ‘ridiculously small’ steps to minimize resistance and facilitate starting. If resistance persists, break steps down even further.
Create a more realistic relationship with your future self, avoiding the assumption that they will be more motivated to tackle difficult tasks, which helps in getting started now.
When comparing yourself to others, broaden the comparison points to include many diverse variables (known and unknown) to undermine the ‘am I good enough?’ question and reclaim self-sufficiency.
Prioritize warmth (kindness, caring) over competence when making impressions, as warmth is evaluated first and carries more weight in human perception and connection. Intentionally add warmth to interactions by greeting people personally and focusing on sharing rather than performing.
Cultivate deeper connection and belonging by showing vulnerability or ‘a little bit of your mess’ before everything is perfectly polished, signaling trust and equality to others.
Buffer against self-esteem threats and life’s setbacks by affirming genuinely held truths about yourself (e.g., ‘I’m a great dad’), even if unrelated to the current situation, to maintain an overarching narrative of self-adequacy.
Understand that perfectionism is fundamentally about a persistent feeling of ’never good enough’ and equating performance with character, rather than just striving for perfection.
Resist all-or-nothing thinking when evaluating outcomes, as it creates a narrow definition of success and a wide gulf for perceived failure.
Resist the tendency to focus excessively on flaws and minor details when evaluating overall outcomes, especially when other aspects went well.
Be aware of the self-defeating cycle where perfectionists either self-criticize for falling short or move goalposts when standards are met, preventing a sense of enoughness.
Understand that admiration and being impressive are fundamentally different from true acceptance and belonging, and that pride and love are distinct.
Be aware that the ‘armor’ of perfectionism, intended for protection, paradoxically creates a wall that separates you from others and prevents genuine connection.
To counter external pressures to prove belonging, seek out or advocate for environments with better representation and build a strong community to feel less alone.
Recognize that prolonged ‘grinding’ due to perfectionism can lead to physical ailments and is unsustainable, signaling a critical need for change.
Engage in Brahma Viharas meditation (loving-kindness, compassion, equanimity, sympathetic joy) as a specific practice designed to be an antidote to anxiety, helping you navigate the world more skillfully and take it easier on yourself.
Participate in Dan Harris’s live guided meditations on Brahma Viharas, with the first session offered for free, to learn and practice these anxiety-reducing techniques.