Stop Being Hijacked By Anxiety, Grief, and Anger — A Buddhist Approach | Sebene Selassie & Jeff Warren
Dan Harris, Sebene Selassie, and Jeff Warren discuss taming the mind's unruly aspects, like distraction and comparison. They explore Buddhist teachings such as the Five Hindrances and the Five Recollections to develop a different relationship with thoughts and emotions, fostering equanimity and presence.
Deep Dive Analysis
14 Topic Outline
Introduction to Taming the Mind and Guests
The Five Hindrances in Meditation
Working with Hindrances: Conscious Response
Distinguishing Types of Tiredness and Checking Out
Introduction to The Five Recollections
Explanation of The Five Recollections: Aging, Sickness, Death, Impermanence, Karma
Chanting and Reflection on The Five Recollections
Audience Question: Reconciling Five Remembrances with Loving-Kindness
Audience Question: Being Present with Dementia and Grief
Audience Question: Training the Mind vs. Training the Heart
Audience Question: Not Comparing Yourself to Others (Mana)
Audience Question: Understanding 'Behind the Waterfall'
Audience Question: Working with Strong Emotions like Anger (RAIN)
Audience Question: Dealing with Others' Resistance to Personal Change
7 Key Concepts
The Five Hindrances
A classic Buddhist list of broad categories of issues that emerge during meditation, including desire, aversion, boredom/restlessness, doubt, and sloth/torpor. Each hindrance also has a positive quality when approached consciously.
Equanimity (Upekka)
A state of mind often used interchangeably with awakening or nirvana, characterized by the capacity to hold one's experience with an awakened quality, being at peace with the realities of life.
The Five Recollections
Also known as The Five Subjects for Frequent Recollection or The Five Remembrances, these are teachings on equanimity that invite reflection on the universal realities of aging, sickness, death, impermanence (losing what we love), and karma (causes and conditions of actions).
Karma
Meaning 'action,' this concept points to the fact that there are causes and conditions for all reality, including genetic information, intergenerational trauma, and volitional actions, which have consequences, though the full complexity is unfathomable.
Mana (Comparing Mind)
An ancient Buddhist term referring to the tendency to measure and compare oneself to others ('better than,' 'lesser than,' or 'equal to'), which ultimately separates individuals and is a persistent challenge until full enlightenment.
Behind the Waterfall
A metaphor from Jon Kabat-Zinn describing a state of awareness where one can observe the stream of thoughts (the 'waterfall') from a detached perspective, like a crevice in the rock face behind it, rather than being caught up in the contents of consciousness.
Seeing by Dividing
An expression from the Vipassana meditation tradition for investigating strong emotions or experiences by looking at them closely and breaking them down into their changing constituent parts (e.g., physical sensations, thoughts) to understand their true nature.
7 Questions Answered
The two practices are seen as two sides of the same coin: the Five Remembrances cultivate radical acceptance and sobriety of what is true, while loving-kindness opens one up to give the best of oneself to the world, allowing for both bracing reality and compassionate connection.
It's possible to hold both realities; grief is rooted in love, and one can find sweetness in the act of caregiving, recognizing one's capacity to rise to the occasion and the love for the person, even amidst the difficulty. It's also advised not to argue with dementia patients, letting them have their reality.
Expanding the definition of love to include quietness, stillness, and basic availability to life can help love bloom naturally. Engaging in everyday compassionate actions, like calling a parent or holding a door, also fosters a virtuous spiral of doing good and feeling good. Physically opening the chest through exercises can also be helpful for emotional regulation.
The practice helps one see the 'comparing mind' (mana), which involves measuring oneself against others. Simply seeing this pattern, and the pain it causes, is part of the antidote, helping to disincentivize its indulgence over time, even though it may persist until full enlightenment.
This metaphor describes observing the constant stream of thoughts (the 'waterfall') from a detached perspective, like a crevice in the rock face behind it. Every time you notice you've been distracted and then return to awareness, you are briefly 'behind the waterfall,' watching your thoughts without being caught up in them.
Instead of intellectualizing, 'check out' the anger by investigating it through 'seeing by dividing'—breaking it into its changing constituent parts (e.g., rumbling in the chest, burning in the ears, specific thoughts). Welcome the emotion and use the RAIN practice (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) to process it without getting lost in the story.
Focus on embodying the changes ('be a Buddha, not a Buddhist') rather than trying to convince or proselytize. Own the new version of yourself and don't be attached to how others receive it, as managing their reactions is not within your power.
16 Actionable Insights
1. Develop an Inner Dharma Coach
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend when facing problems or hindrances, cultivating self-compassion and a supportive inner dialogue.
2. Make Unconscious Patterns Conscious
Shine a light on your reactive patterns and what you don’t usually see, moving from unconscious reactions to creative, conscious responses in life and meditation.
3. Distinguish Types of Tiredness
Recognize if your tiredness is physical, requiring rest, or mental, indicating a desire to check out from discomfort. If mental, try to stay with the discomfort to find clarity.
4. Embrace Life’s Realities
Regularly reflect on the Five Recollections—aging, sickness, death, impermanence, and karma—to foster equanimity, peace with reality, and appreciation for life’s gifts.
5. Give Permission for Sleepiness
If overcome by fatigue during meditation, don’t fight it; allow yourself to fall asleep. This permission can paradoxically liberate you from the fatigue.
6. Find Sweetness in Grief
When dealing with painful situations like a loved one’s dementia, actively look for moments of sweetness, recognizing that grief is rooted in love and caregiving can be a source of good feeling.
7. Don’t Argue with Dementia Patients
When interacting with individuals in advanced stages of dementia, avoid arguing with them and instead allow them to have their reality.
8. Train Your Heart Systematically
Cultivate warmth and compassion through practices like loving-kindness meditation, systematically envisioning well-being for yourself and others.
9. Expand Your Definition of Love
Recognize that quietness, stillness, and basic availability to life are acts of love, allowing love to bloom naturally without expecting fireworks.
10. Engage in Everyday Compassionate Actions
Take advantage of opportunities to do good, such as calling a parent, texting a friend in need, or holding a door, as these small acts create a virtuous spiral.
11. Investigate Anger by Dividing It
When anger arises, instead of intellectualizing, ‘check it out’ by breaking it into constituent parts (sensations, thoughts) to understand its true nature and respond wisely.
12. Welcome Strong Emotions (RAIN Practice)
Use the RAIN acronym (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) to work with overwhelming emotions like anger, allowing them to be felt in the body without getting lost in stories.
13. Physically Open Your Heart
To help with emotional regulation and a closed heart feeling, engage in physical practices like lying on an exercise ball to open your chest.
14. Express Love Verbally
Regularly tell people you love them, even if it feels ridiculous, as this practice can help open your heart and foster connection.
15. Don’t Proselytize Your Practice
Avoid trying to convince others to adopt your new practices like meditation; instead, focus on embodying the qualities (‘be a Buddha’) rather than preaching them (‘a Buddhist’).
16. Own Your Changed Self
If you’ve changed your behavior, own the new version of yourself and don’t be attached to how others receive it, as managing their reactions is not in your power.
6 Key Quotes
Pain times resistance equals suffering. Or pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Sebene Selassie
What is grief if not love anyway, right?
Dan Harris
You talk about the banality of evil. Well, there's a humdrumness of love too.
Dan Harris
If you can notice it, you're not fully in it. Yeah. And that's very different than being fully in it, because being fully in it is being lost in it.
Jeff Warren
Feel your feelings, drop the stories.
Pema Chodron (quoted by Sebene Selassie)
It's better to be a Buddha than a Buddhist.
Dan Harris
2 Protocols
The Five Recollections (Chant/Reflection)
Sebene Selassie- Reflect: 'I am of the nature to age.'
- Reflect: 'I am of the nature to sicken.'
- Reflect: 'I am of the nature to die.'
- Reflect: 'I will lose what I love.'
- Reflect: 'I am the heir of my actions.' (Understanding that there are causes and conditions to all things, and this is where agency lies.)
RAIN Practice for Strong Emotions
Sebene Selassie (attributed to Michelle McDonald, popularized by Tara Brach)- Recognize: Acknowledge and identify the strong emotion (e.g., 'I am in anger').
- Allow: Welcome the emotion, allowing it to be present without resistance or getting lost in its story.
- Investigate: Explore the direct experience of the emotion in the body, parsing it into its constituent sensations and qualities.
- Nurture: Offer compassion and care to the part of you that is experiencing the emotion, recognizing it often stems from a desire for safety and connection.