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Reversing the Golden Rule | Jamil Zaki

Sep 1, 2021 1h 31 insights
In this episode we're talking about how what you believe— about yourself, or about the world — can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So if you believe the world is a cold and unforgiving place, it can become that way. And if you believe that you have limited capacities for kindness, you can, in effect, make it so. Our guest is Jamil Zaki, who is making his second appearance here on the show. Jamil is a professor of psychology at Stanford University and the director of the Stanford Social Neuroscience Lab. He is a leading expert on empathy and the author of the book The War for Kindness. Jamil discusses three levels of kindness: kindness toward ourselves, kindness in our close relationships, and kindness in our communities. He argues that starting with the self is critical, but also that the kinder we can make our communities, the kinder we will be ourselves. And the more we reorient ourselves to focus on the positive, the more we can create a self-fulfilling prophecy of kindness. We are bringing you this Ten Percent Happier podcast series in collaboration with the Apple TV+ Original Series Ted Lasso because kindness is a huge theme in the show, and there are many practical lessons embedded right in the plot. Watch Season 2 of Ted Lasso on Apple TV+. Subscription required. Apple TV+ and/or select content may not be available in all regions. To sign up for the Ted Lasso Challenge, download the Ten Percent Happier app today: https://10percenthappier.app.link/install Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/jamil-zaki-375
Actionable Insights

1. Cultivate Positive Beliefs

Actively foster positive beliefs about yourself and the world, as these beliefs can become self-fulfilling prophecies, changing your reality for the better.

2. Own Your Power of Belief

Recognize and take ownership of the significant power your beliefs hold over who you and others become, choosing to find hope and believe in potential even amidst challenges.

3. Prioritize Self-Kindness

Make kindness towards yourself a critical and foundational practice, as it is essential for personal well-being and for sustainably extending kindness to others.

4. Reframe Self-Compassion as Strength

Shift your perspective on self-compassion, viewing it as a powerful strength for coping effectively with difficulties rather than a weakness or indulgence.

5. Sustain Kindness with Self-Compassion

Integrate self-compassion into your life to maintain and increase your capacity for kindness towards others, preventing burnout and allowing you to do more good.

6. Reverse Golden Rule

When facing personal difficulties, ask yourself how you would treat a loved one in the same situation and apply that same warm, understanding light to yourself.

7. Believe in Others’ Goodness

Choose to believe in the good intentions and capabilities of others, as this belief can have a powerful, positive effect on them and foster stronger relationships.

8. Avoid Blind Cynicism

Refrain from assuming the worst about people without any evidence, as blind cynicism can cause you to miss opportunities for learning, connection, and building relationships.

9. Practice Intellectual Humility

Recognize that your past experiences do not dictate all future interactions, and cultivate curiosity about others, giving them a chance beyond your initial assumptions.

10. Interrogate Judgments & Assumptions

When you feel yourself rushing to judgment, pause and question the evidence for your reaction, considering alternative explanations and your own internal state.

11. Notice Positive Actions

Actively seek out and pay attention to the positive things people are doing all around you, which often go unnoticed, to rebalance your perception and foster greater trust.

12. Give Others a Chance

Extend opportunities and trust to others, even if past experiences make you hesitant, to allow for new, positive interactions and overcome limiting assumptions.

13. Take a Leap of Faith

Sometimes, take the risk of trusting someone as a powerful first step, rather than waiting for absolute certainty, as this behavioral activation can lead to positive experiences.

14. Practice Generous Tit-for-Tat

Start new interactions by trusting others and assuming goodwill; if proven wrong, update your approach but occasionally offer chances for renewed trust.

15. Reframe Trust as a Gift

View trust not as a risk to yourself, but as a powerful gift you give to others, recognizing its positive impact on them and the potential harm of mistrust.

16. Communicate Positive Expectations

When you trust someone, make sure they know you expect them to reciprocate that trust and do the right thing, as people are more likely to step up to positive expectations.

17. Choose to Believe in Potential

Actively choose to believe in the good parts of people and demonstrate that you notice these qualities, which opens up possibilities for them to live up to that belief.

18. Frame Criticism as Growth

When delivering criticism or discipline, present it as an opportunity for growth and potential to do better, rather than a judgment of inherent flaws.

19. Be a Culture Builder

Intentionally elevate and highlight positive, empathic behavior in others, and challenge negativity or cruelty, as your actions create norms that influence those around you.

20. Highlight Positive Norms

Actively highlight and make visible the positive behaviors and kindness present in your environment to help people notice existing positive norms and encourage conformity to them.

21. Monitor Your Speech’s Impact

Be intentional and mindful of the power your words have, recognizing that you are part of the social environment others ’take in,’ and avoid spreading unexamined assumptions.

22. Beware Negativity Bias

Recognize that your attention naturally gravitates towards extreme or harmful attitudes, and consciously avoid confusing these with the majority’s behavior to maintain a balanced view.

23. Practice Sympathetic Joy

Actively share and celebrate the positive experiences, joy, and happiness of others, recognizing this as a key and often overlooked aspect of empathy.

24. Contribute to Team Success

Focus on contributing to the success of the team or group, understanding that individual success often follows from collective achievement rather than solely individual effort.

25. Practice “Spend Kindly”

Intentionally perform small acts of kindness for others, even if you anticipate personal costs, and then closely observe the positive feelings and energy it generates.

26. Be a Strategic Giver

Give in ways that are enjoyable, make sense, and do not deplete you, as this strategic approach leads to greater happiness and success compared to unwise, selfless giving.

27. Chunk Giving Activities

Group your acts of kindness or giving into specific, convenient times to make them more efficient and enjoyable, reducing friction in your life and making them sustainable.

28. Avoid Toxic Positivity

Differentiate between genuine kindness and an unhealthy obligation to fulfill every request, ensuring your giving doesn’t harm yourself or others through excessive self-sacrifice.

29. Implement “Other Care Days”

Advocate for or implement dedicated ‘other care days’ in workplaces, allowing employees structured time to help others in ways they choose, fostering meaning and connection.

30. Practice Deep Canvassing

When disagreeing, engage by asking for and sharing personal stories behind opinions, seeking common ground rather than debating positions, to foster understanding and reduce polarization.

31. Engage in “Kind Tech”

Be intentional about your online behavior by sending positive reinforcement, reaching out to those struggling, or publicly highlighting kind acts, using technology to broaden kindness.