Rethinking Success | Mia Birdsong

1. Push Yourself to Ask for Help

Actively push yourself to ask for help, especially when you feel resistant, understanding that your well-being is important to those who love you, and offering support brings them joy, purpose, and a sense of being alive.

2. Embrace Interdependence

Recognize that humans are inherently interdependent, not independent, and that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a necessary part of human well-being, benefiting both the asker and the helper.

3. Prioritize Relationships & Community

Rethink success to prioritize relationships and community, as research strongly suggests these are critical skills for health, happiness, and success.

4. Reject Bootstrapping Mentality

Reject the ‘bootstrapping’ or ‘going it alone’ mentality, recognizing it as a form of self-hatred that prevents you from seeking and accepting the help and support necessary for well-being.

5. Practice Mutuality, Not Reciprocity

Shift from a transactional mindset of reciprocity (equal give-and-take) to mutuality in community, where everyone contributes according to their capacity, recognizing that the well-being of each person benefits the entire group.

6. Reframe ‘No’ as Information

When someone says ’no’ to a request, view it as information about their boundaries or capacity, not a personal rejection; respond with gratitude to support their self-care and relieve social pressure.

7. Use Resentment as Boundary Signal

Recognize resentment as information that a boundary has been crossed, prompting you to reassess relationships where you are consistently giving more than you receive and to set your own boundaries by providing less.

8. Delegate in Crisis

In times of crisis, explicitly decide not to face it alone; communicate your needs to your community and delegate everything that can be done by others, allowing them to support you.

9. Self-Reflect on Connection Needs

Engage in internal questioning to understand your needs for connection, asking what kind of relationship you seek, your capacity for it, and what you need from relationships to avoid seeking romantic relationships to fill non-romantic holes.

10. Communicate Desire for Connection

‘Tell on yourself’ by explicitly communicating to people in your life that you want more connection or are working on building community, and ask them for help or advice on how to achieve it.

11. Create Shared Childcare Arrangements

Organize shared childcare arrangements with other families, like rotating ‘KidFun’ nights, to provide parents with free time and allow children to build relationships with other adults and adapt to different households.

12. Welcome New Neighbors

Actively welcome new neighbors by bringing a small gift and your contact information, initiating a connection that can evolve into a local support network for shared needs like borrowing items or pet-sitting.

13. Develop ‘You Skills’

Focus on developing ‘you skills’ like communication, collaboration, and compassion, as these character skills are increasingly important in the workplace, even more so than cognitive skills.

14. Practice Grace in Community Building

Give yourself and others a lot of grace when building and maintaining community, recognizing that modern societal conditions make it inherently difficult and exhausting, so don’t feel like you’re failing.

15. Utilize Technology for Connection

Use technology like group texts to maintain connection with your community, sending simple messages like ‘I’m thinking about you’ or acknowledging absence, especially when deeper interaction isn’t possible.

16. Allow Time for Relationship Building

Recognize that building deep relationships takes time, especially as an adult; give yourself spaciousness and patience to find your people and nurture connections, rather than expecting immediate results.

17. Discuss Deepening Existing Relationships

Initiate conversations with current friends about the kind of relationship you desire, exploring if they are open to a closer, more reliable connection and taking your friendship to the next level.

18. Reclaim Human Connection

Give yourself permission to reclaim the inherent human practice of being in relationship, even if it feels awkward or you’re out of practice, by removing assumptions that encourage transactional interactions over genuine connection.

19. Practice Freedom Through Community

Understand that true freedom is a practice of being in connected community, not independence or lack of accountability, and actively work on building and maintaining these connections.

20. Adopt a Generational Perspective

Recognize that the struggle for well-being and community is generational work, understanding what your ancestors faced and what you are passing on to your descendants to contribute to a better future.