← 10% Happier with Dan Harris

Relationship Advice from a "Mega Monk" | Haemin Sunim

Nov 11, 2020 1h 2m 29 insights
My guest today does a fantastic job of speaking in a not-at-all-annoying way about the inarguably important yet potentially very cheesy concept of self-love. Haemin Sunim is a Korean "mega monk" who has developed a massive online following and has written huge bestsellers. He's also earned degrees from Berkeley, Harvard, and Princeton, and is the founder of South Korea's School for Broken Hearts. In this conversation, we talk about how perfection resides only in your mind, how a celibate monk learned to give great relationship advice, and how he manages his own relationship to ambition. We also have a fascinating exchange about enlightenment. Where to find Haemin Sunim online: Website: https://www.haeminsunim.com/en Twitter: https://twitter.com/haeminsunim Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/haeminsunim/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/haemin_sunim/?hl=en Other Resources Mentioned: •   Love for Imperfect Things by Haemin Sunim - https://www.haeminsunim.com/books •   Haemin Sunim's School for Broken Hearts - https://www.haeminsunim.com/school •   Song of Myself by Walt Whitman - https://poets.org/poem/song-myself-4 •   Ash Wednesday by T.S. Eliot - http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/t__s__eliot/poems/15133 Additional Resources: •   Ten Percent Happier Live: https://tenpercent.com/live •   Coronavirus Sanity Guide: https://www.tenpercent.com/coronavirussanityguide •   Free App access for Frontline Workers: https://tenpercent.com/care Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/haemin-sunim-299
Actionable Insights

1. Let Go of Labels

Let go of all labels and identifications (body, nationality, race, past experiences) to discover your true, unconditioned nature and avoid division.

2. Quiet the Monkey Mind

To enter the realm of non-duality where subject-object separation disappears, quiet your busy, thinking mind and let it rest.

3. Notice Space Between Thoughts

Become aware of the quiet, empty moments that exist between thoughts, recognizing that you are not just your thoughts.

4. Detach by Being Mindful

Detach from your thoughts by becoming mindful of them; this act of awareness allows you to step outside your thoughts, providing immediate release and freedom.

5. Observe Lack of Thought Control

Realize the impersonal nature of awareness by simply noticing in a short meditation session how little control you have over your thoughts, which appear and disappear on their own.

6. Stop Identifying with Thoughts

Stop identifying yourself with thoughts, viewing them instead like people walking by – they are just passing phenomena, not ‘yours.’

7. Inquire “Who is Knowing This?”

During meditation, ask “What is knowing all of this?” and then “Who is asking that question?” to explore the nature of awareness itself.

8. Awareness Aware of Itself

When there are no objects to be mindful of, allow the knowing awareness to remain alone and become aware of itself, returning to your true nature.

9. Slow Down to Find What You Seek

Slow down your mind until it becomes quiet and pauses, then you will realize that the liberation or awakening you were pursuing is already present.

10. Use Frustration as Spiritual Energy

Turn frustration (e.g., not seeing awakening despite knowing it’s present) into spiritual energy, using it as an engine to push you to eventually let go of striving.

11. View Inner Characters with Warmth

View distracting inner thoughts and neurotic patterns with warmth, acknowledging them as unskillful attempts to serve you, then gently return to your meditation object without agenda.

12. Note Thoughts as “Just Nature”

Occasionally remind yourself that whatever arises in your mind (thoughts, feelings) is “just nature,” which can lead to a sense of release and freedom.

13. Focus on Warmth’s Quality

Let go of the object of your compassion and focus solely on the quality of warmth or compassion within your mind, observing its nature without specific thoughts.

14. Be In and Out of the Game

Participate fully in life’s “movie” as the main actor, doing your best, while simultaneously remaining aware that it is just a movie, allowing for humor and detachment.

15. Embrace Imperfection Without Anxiety

Find true freedom by being without anxiety about imperfections, recognizing that everything, including yourself, has unique character and beauty in its crookedness.

16. See Beauty in Natural Imperfections

Observe nature, like crooked trees, to appreciate how imperfections create unique character and special beauty, extending this acceptance to your own perceived flaws.

17. Reframe Imperfections as Improvement

Instead of viewing current limitations as imperfections, reframe them as opportunities for future improvement, fostering a mindset of continuous growth rather than failure.

18. Question Artificial Expectations

Examine if your expectations are artificially imposed; recognize them as a “magical play of awareness” and enjoy the process of improvement without taking arbitrary goals too seriously.

19. Strive, But Don’t Take Seriously

Strive to be good at what you do for others, but approach goals with a childlike quality and don’t take them too seriously to maintain joy in the process.

20. Shift Focus to Helping Others

When struggling with self-imperfection, shift your focus from yourself to how you can help others; this external motivation makes self-concerns less relevant and fosters goodwill.

21. Check Motivation for Service

When evaluating your efforts, check your motivation; if it’s to help others, the outcome’s perceived imperfection matters less than the intention and the recipient’s benefit.

22. Express Love by Paying Attention

Define love as paying full, undivided attention to something or someone, where your self-concern drops away, fostering deep connection.

23. Maintain Curiosity for Attention

To sustain love and attention in relationships, avoid assuming you “know everything” about the other person; instead, remain curious and continue asking questions.

24. Pause, Pay Attention, Appreciate

Discover love by pausing, paying full attention, and appreciating whatever is in front of you, recognizing that ownership is impossible, but appreciation is always available.

25. Facilitate Mutual Support

Bring people together and create opportunities for them to help each other, especially when facing difficulties, as shared experiences can provide hope and solutions.

26. Appreciate Beauty to Quiet Mind

Engage with beauty in art, music, or nature, as your mind must become very quiet to truly appreciate it, leading to moments of non-duality.

27. Use Meditation for Tech Awareness

Use meditation to become aware of your mental state when using social media; if you feel unhealthy obsession, step away, exercise, walk in nature, or go to bed early.

28. Awareness of Ambition, Check Motivation

When you find yourself getting caught up in ambition (e.g., wanting more success), be aware that you’re doing it, don’t take it too seriously, and check your underlying motivation (e.g., to help others).

29. Reread Your Own Advice

Occasionally reread your own writings or advice to yourself to remember and apply it in your actual life, helping to close the gap between what you know and what you do.