Reject the “you-complete-me” model of romantic relationships, as it falsely assumes individuals are not whole without a partner and places an unsustainable amount of pressure on one person to fulfill all of another’s needs. Instead, recognize that you are already whole and seek partners who add value to your already full life.
Expand your understanding of love beyond narrow romantic relationships to include compassion and goodwill for friends, family, and even strangers, as this broader view is an evolutionarily wired capacity for human thriving. This perspective can reduce suffering caused by overly narrow expectations of love.
Practice self-love, understanding it as a supportive inner relationship rather than narcissism, to reduce entanglement in neuroses and shame spirals, thereby freeing up more emotional bandwidth for others.
Actively work on developing your capacity for good relationships of all kinds—romantic, familial, and platonic—as this “social fitness” is a crucial life skill that is rarely explicitly taught.
Cultivate a wide range of relationships—including friendships and other platonic connections—to avoid overburdening your romantic partner with the expectation that they fulfill all your emotional and social needs. This reduces pressure on your primary relationship and fosters overall well-being.
Actively foster non-sexual physical intimacy, such as kissing, hugging, and cuddling, as a distinct way to show care and connection, separate from bids for sexual activity. This prevents the blurring of lines that can lead to withholding sexual intimacy when partners feel physical affection is only a precursor to sex.
Schedule sex to create anticipation and novelty, separating it from non-sexual intimacy and allowing both partners to mentally and physically show up with intention. This can revive desire and break patterns of anxiety or predictability that hinder spontaneous connection.
Understand and acknowledge the differing hormonal cycles between partners, especially in heterosexual relationships, to depersonalize issues around sexual desire and rejection. Work with these natural rhythms to maximize connection during peak times and reduce pressure during other phases.
Implement regular relationship meetings, using a structured framework like the Gottmans’, to create dedicated time for checking in on each other’s well-being, struggles, and top-of-mind issues. This ensures vital conversations happen, preventing disconnection when organic timing is elusive.
Make an intentional effort to “date” your partner regularly, whether at home or out, to maintain a sense of courtship and deepen your understanding of each other. This intentionality supports romantic connection beyond the daily routine.
Adopt an “Always Be Curious” mindset in your relationships, actively seeking to understand changes in yourself and your partner and how they affect your dynamic. This curiosity fosters novelty and enriches intimate connection by encouraging continuous learning and exploration.
Seek education on female pleasure anatomy, particularly the clitoris, to bridge the “orgasm gap” and foster more egalitarian sexual experiences. Partners should be curious and receptive to feedback from those with vulvas about what feels good.
Practice giving and receiving in-the-moment feedback during sex, depersonalizing it as information rather than criticism, to improve mutual pleasure and bridge the orgasm gap. This empowers the person with the vulva to guide what feels good and helps their partner be more effective.
Practice filtering your communication with your partner, choosing to only express what is useful and moves a conversation forward, rather than sharing every irritating thought. This prevents talking issues to death and allows for more constructive dialogue, sometimes holding back comments until a calmer moment or not at all.
Cultivate a “dating Zen” mindset by holding the ultimate goal of partnership while simultaneously releasing rigid expectations of how or when it will happen. This approach allows you to enjoy the process, be present in interactions, and avoid the hindrance of excessive craving or overthinking.
Move beyond superficial checklists (e.g., height, job, education) when dating and instead focus on how you genuinely feel when interacting with someone. This approach allows for authentic connection and helps you determine true compatibility rather than just meeting external criteria.
When using dating apps, put as much of your authentic self into your profile as comfortable, rather than creating a generic resume-style entry. This helps attract higher-quality matches and fosters connections with people you genuinely care about, leading to more meaningful interactions.
Identify your personal sexual values, recognizing them as equally important for your growth and development as other life values, and communicate them to potential partners. This helps attract connections that truly align with how you want to live your life.
Actively investigate any sexual health questions you have by seeking out trusted sources and experts who provide biological and physiological information. This education is crucial for personal sexual freedom and understanding, rather than relying on quick fixes or unreliable internet searches.