<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p>---</p> <p>How our false expectations and misunderstandings about relationships can create an incalculable amount of suffering — and the many problems of the "You complete me" model.</p> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Description:</strong> </p> <p><br /></p> <p>This episode was part one of our four-part series where we're counter-programming against the way Valentine's Day is often celebrated, and examining different kinds of relationships including romantic, friendship, and family. </p> <p><br /></p> <p>Today's guest hews a bit more closely to the traditional Valentine's Day theme and will do some myth-busting around all the things we tend to get wrong when we talk about romantic relationships. </p> <p><br /></p> <p>Myisha Battle is the author of the book, "This Is Supposed to Be Fun: How To Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between." She also hosts the podcast <a href="https://pod.link/1709536776?utm_campaign=later-linkinbio-kcrw&utm_content=later-38296435&utm_medium=social&utm_source=linkin.bio" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>How's Your Sex Life?</em></a> Much of her public work focuses on the early stages of relationships, but in her private practice, she counsels people at all stages, and in all kinds of relationships. </p> <p><br /></p> <p><em>Content Warning: Explicit language and conversations about sex. </em></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>In this episode we talk about:</strong></p> <ul> <li>Five ways to improve intimacy and connection in romantic partnership</li> <li>The nuts and bolts of sex, and how we often get intimacy and sex confused in unhelpful ways</li> <li>Understanding men's and women's cycles to depersonalize issues in sex and relationships</li> <li>The myth of finding "the one"</li> <li>The orgasm gap</li> <li>Bromance</li> <li>And if you're looking, tips on how to make finding a partner easier</li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/myisha-battle-558" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/myisha-battle-archive</a> </p> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Where to find Myisha Battle online: </strong></p> <p>Website: <a href="http://www.myishabattle.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">www.myishabattle.com/</a></p> <p>Social Media:</p> <ul> <li><a href="https://twitter.com/MyishaBattle" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Twitter: @MyishaBattle</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.instagram.com/myishabattle/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Instagram: @MyishaBattle</a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Book Mentioned:</strong></p> <ul> <li><a href="https://www.sealpress.com/titles/myisha-battle/this-is-supposed-to-be-fun/9781541602212/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>This Is Supposed to Be Fun: How To Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between </em></a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Other Resources Mentioned:</strong></p> <ul> <li>Alain de Botton's <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person</a> </li> <li><a href="https://www.theschooloflife.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">The School of Life</a> </li> <li><a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/john-julie-gottman-418" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#418. How Not to Ruin Your Relationships | Drs. John & Julie Gottman</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/esther-perel" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#213: Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/esther-perel-464" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#464. How to Keep Friendships From Imploding | Esther Perel</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/17/health/clitoris-sex-doctors-surgery.html" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Half the World Has a Clitoris. Why Don't Doctors Study It?</a></li> <li>Michael Vincent Miller's <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Terrorism-Crisis-Love-Disillusion/dp/0393315320" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Intimate Terrorism</em></a></li> <li>Esther Perel's <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Mating in Captivity</em></a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Additional Resources:</strong></p> <ul> <li>Download the Ten Percent Happier app today: <a href="https://10percenthappier.app.link/install" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://10percenthappier.app.link/install</a></li> </ul> <p><br /></p>
Actionable Insights
1. Challenge “You Complete Me” Mindset
Actively question and move away from the belief that you are incomplete until you find a romantic partner. This mindset puts immense pressure on one individual to fulfill all your needs, devalues other important connections, and can hinder genuine intimacy.
2. Broaden Love’s Definition
Understand love as a broad spectrum encompassing goodwill towards friends, family, and even casual acquaintances, not just romantic partners. This prevents overburdening your romantic partner with all your emotional needs and recognizes the value of diverse human connections.
3. Always Be Curious
Maintain an ongoing attitude of curiosity about yourself, your partner, and the evolving dynamics of your relationship. This approach prevents stagnation, helps adapt to changes in individual needs, and enriches shared experiences, fostering deeper intimate connection.
4. Work With Hormone Cycles
Acknowledge and understand the distinct hormone systems in heterosexual relationships, such as men’s daily testosterone cycle and women’s 28-day cycle. Recognizing these differences depersonalizes desire discrepancies, reduces feelings of rejection, and helps maximize times of higher desire while easing pressure during other periods.
5. Foster Non-Sexual Intimacy
Actively cultivate physical affection like kissing, hugging, and cuddling that is separate from bids for sexual connection. This creates a clear distinction between non-sexual and sexual intimacy, ensuring partners feel genuinely cared for without the constant expectation of sex, which can prevent withholding.
6. Schedule Sexual Intimacy
Intentionally set aside dedicated time for sexual connection with your partner. This practice helps build anticipation and novelty, which are crucial for sexual desire, and ensures both partners are mentally and physically present for a co-created experience.
7. Hold Relationship Meetings
Implement regular, structured check-ins (e.g., weekly or monthly) with your partner to discuss deeper feelings, struggles, and what’s on your mind beyond daily logistics. This dedicated time ensures vital conversations happen organically, preventing disconnection and fostering a deeper understanding of each other’s inner lives.
8. Intentionally Date Your Partner
Make a conscious effort to plan and go on dates with your long-term partner, similar to the early stages of your relationship. This practice maintains romance, helps you continue to learn about each other, and prevents the relationship from feeling solely like a collaborative household.
9. Learn Sexual Anatomy
Actively seek out trusted information and resources to educate yourself on sexual anatomy, particularly female pleasure anatomy like the clitoris. This knowledge is fundamental for sexual freedom, addressing issues like the “orgasm gap,” and fostering more egalitarian and satisfying sexual experiences.
10. Practice Sexual Feedback
Develop the skill of giving and receiving honest, in-the-moment feedback during sex, especially for those with vulvas to guide their partners. This depersonalizes the act, helps bridge the “orgasm gap,” and allows partners to learn and improve as lovers.
11. Filter Communication for Usefulness
Before speaking, evaluate whether your thoughts are useful, move the conversation forward, or are merely irritating observations. This practice helps avoid repetitive arguments and prevents talking issues to death, leading to more constructive and less heated communication.
12. Adopt Dating Zen Mindset
Cultivate a “Dating Zen” mindset by holding the ultimate goal of partnership while releasing rigid expectations about how or when it will happen. This approach reduces craving and pressure, allowing you to enjoy the dating process, meet people more authentically, and attract genuine connections.
13. Ditch Superficial Dating Checklists
Move beyond rigid checklists of superficial qualities like height, weight, or job when evaluating potential partners. These criteria often hinder genuine connection, don’t predict true compatibility, and can be rooted in unhelpful societal biases.
14. Prioritize Feelings on Dates
Focus on how you genuinely feel during and after a date, rather than solely on whether the person meets a predefined list of criteria. Your emotional experience is a more reliable indicator of potential connection and helps you avoid feeling like you’re in an interview.
15. Create Authentic Dating Profile
When using dating apps, infuse your profile with your authentic self and clearly state what you are genuinely seeking, to the extent that feels comfortable. This strategy improves the quality of matches, ensures you connect with people you care about, and helps relationships progress beyond initial dates.
16. Reframe Dating Apps
View dating apps as versatile tools for various types of connection, not exclusively for hooking up, and adapt them to your specific needs. This broader perspective empowers you to curate your dating experience and overcome negative assumptions about app-based interactions.
17. Identify Sexual Values
Reflect on and understand your personal sexual values, and be prepared to communicate them to potential partners. These values are as important as other life values for your growth and development, helping you attract partners who align with your desired lifestyle.
18. Value Past Relationships
Recognize and appreciate all past relationships, regardless of their length or outcome, as valuable parts of your personal transformation journey. These experiences help you understand your needs and wants, contributing to your growth towards deeper intimacy in future partnerships.
19. Process Dating Rejection
Actively acknowledge and work through the pain and feelings associated with rejection, which is an inevitable part of the dating process. Effectively processing rejection is crucial for personal growth and for maintaining resilience on your journey to finding a partner.