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Meditation And Loss, Dean Valoras

Jul 31, 2019 1h 18m 40 insights
On March 19th of last year, Dean Valoras' life changed forever. That is the day he lost his teenage daughter Alexandra to suicide. Alexandra was an intelligent, successful, highly-motivated high school student. Externally she appeared happy and excited for the future, but that did not match how she felt internally. Alexandra kept secret journals where she wrote about feeling like a failure. In this episode, Dean shares the story of Alexandra in hopes of helping others and he discusses his meditation practice and other tools he's using to help him move forward. Suicide Prevention Resources: http://www.bethe1to.com/ If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide or worried about a friend or loved one help is available. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 [TALK], or text TALK to 741-741 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org - for free confidential emotional support 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Even if it feels like it – you are not alone. If a person says they are considering suicide: Take the person seriously Stay with them Help them remove lethal means Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Text TALK to 741741 to text with a trained crisis counselor from the Crisis Text Line for free, 24/7 Escort them to mental health services or an emergency room Plug Zone Dean Valoras Blog: https://rocktherisingblue.wordpress.com/ CBS Sunday Morning Special: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/a-lost-girls-diary-alexandra-valoras/ Ten Percent Happier Meditation Joseph Goldstein's Self Compassion: https://10percenthappier.app.link/rl7xRtFOiX ***VOICEMAILS*** Have a question for Dan? Leave us a voicemail: 646-883-8326
Actionable Insights

1. Promote Childhood Mindfulness

Advocate for childhood meditation or early mindfulness training to build inner mental resilience and self-awareness, enabling young people to recognize and vocalize when they need help.

2. Teach “Not Your Thoughts”

Begin building mental resilience by understanding and teaching the core concept that “you are not your thoughts,” which creates space for observation and forms a foundation for other coping mechanisms.

3. Recognize Mind’s Spin, Seek Help

Cultivate the ability to observe when your thoughts are overwhelming or negative, and if you feel yourself “spinning,” make it a point to confide in three close, trusted people for support.

4. Use Compassionate Suicide Language

Adopt the phrases “death by suicide” or “died by suicide” instead of “committing suicide” to remove harmful stigma, which can encourage individuals experiencing suicidal thoughts to seek necessary help.

5. Directly Ask About Suicide

If you are concerned about someone, directly ask “Are you thinking about suicide?” and listen with compassion, as this open, non-judgmental approach can reduce suicidal ideation.

6. Ensure Safety for At-Risk Individuals

To keep an at-risk person safe, inquire about their suicidal thoughts or plans, help reduce access to lethal items like firearms, and transport them to the ER if they are in immediate danger.

7. Be Present, Offer Support

Offer consistent support to someone at risk by being physically present, communicating via phone, or finding other ways to show you care, providing connection without over-committing.

8. Connect to Professional Support

Facilitate access to professional help for at-risk individuals by providing the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8255), connecting them to community support, or helping them create a safety plan.

9. Follow Up for Ongoing Support

Maintain connection and provide continuous support to at-risk individuals by following up with them after initial conversations, whether in person, by phone, or via text.

10. Allow Grief, Release Attachment

When experiencing intense emotions like grief, permit them to wash over you fully, but consciously avoid clinging to them, recognizing their impermanent nature.

11. Process Intense Grief Actively

When overwhelmed by grief triggers, allow yourself to fully experience the emotion, and then actively process it by writing down your exact feelings, rather than suppressing or prolonging it.

12. Use STOP for Emotional Regulation

In moments of intense emotion, practice the STOP method: Stop what you’re doing, Take a deep breath, Observe your physical and emotional state, and then Proceed with greater calm and awareness.

13. Avoid Stirring Negative Emotions

Recognize when you are voluntarily prolonging negative emotions by replaying or dwelling on upsetting events, and consciously choose to refrain from “stirring the pot” to allow them to pass naturally.

14. Navigate Slippery Slope of Sadness

Develop the practice of recognizing when you’re on a “slippery slope of sadness” and consciously choose to step back from dwelling in an unproductive “ugly place,” while still giving yourself permission to feel emotions.

15. Embrace Vulnerability, Lean into Fears

Consciously choose to be vulnerable by saying “yes” to novel experiences and “leaning into your fears,” allowing stress and anxiety to surface as you discover your innate capacity to manage them.

16. Stay Open, Try New Things

In the face of profound loss or adversity, resist the urge to withdraw and instead make a deliberate effort to remain open to new experiences and opportunities.

17. Cultivate Real-World Social Networks

Prioritize building and maintaining genuine social connections and community, even if it goes against your natural inclination, by regularly engaging in social activities and accepting invitations that foster connection.

18. Share Your Personal Story

Understand that everyone carries their own struggles, and by sharing your personal story, you can create deeper connections and foster empathy with others.

19. Overcome Fear of Judgment

Challenge your inner critic and fear of looking foolish by actively participating in new activities, like playing basketball with your child, prioritizing the experience over concerns about external judgment.

20. Challenge Comfort, Lean into New

Combat the natural tendency to become complacent with age by actively seeking out and “leaning into” experiences you wouldn’t typically try, thereby challenging your comfort zone.

21. Diversify News, Engage Opposing Views

Make a conscious effort to consume news from a wide range of sources and actively seek out conversations with individuals whose opinions differ from your own to expand your understanding.

22. Commit to Daily Meditation

Dedicate at least 15 minutes each day to meditation, even when your mind is busy, as this consistent practice can be profoundly helpful for mental well-being.

23. Use Guided Meditation Daily

Incorporate daily guided meditations, like those found on the “10% Happier” app, to address specific mental states such as anxiety, stress, or performance-related worries.

24. Practice Gratitude Meditation

Dedicate 15-20 minutes daily to gratitude meditation, actively cultivating and feeling gratitude, which can serve as a powerful form of mental conditioning.

25. Use Self-Affirming Mantras

Regularly repeat positive mantras such as “I am worthy,” “I am enough,” and “I am loved” to build self-compassion and counteract negative self-talk.

26. Start Day with Mindful Pause

Dedicate time at the start of each day to pause, check in with your mental state, and set an intention to remain present and progress through the day’s tasks.

27. Practice Hourly Recollection

Throughout your day, pause every hour or so to ask yourself “where are you right now?” and consciously bring your attention to the present moment, taking a breath to ground yourself.

28. Don’t Get Wrapped in Thoughts

Cultivate a daily mindset where you consciously avoid getting overly entangled in your thoughts, allowing you to navigate challenges with greater ease and less stress.

29. Integrate Breathing into Meetings

Start daily work meetings or stressful team activities with a brief collective pause for three deep breaths to promote calmness, focus, and a sense of shared purpose.

30. Experiment with Meditation Resources

Consider trying meditation apps or books, like “10% Happier” or “Headspace,” as a small investment that could lead to significant personal improvement and happiness.

31. Visualize Thoughts as Passing Cars

When meditating, visualize your thoughts as cars passing by, allowing them to go without attachment, which can help simplify the practice of mindfulness.

32. Re-read Profound Books

Engage with complex or profound books multiple times, as each re-reading can reveal new layers of understanding and insight that may have been missed previously.

33. Question Societal Norms

Challenge conventional practices, like using pesticides for a perfect lawn, and instead appreciate natural elements like dandelions, fostering a simpler and more questioning approach to life.

34. Plan a Meditation Retreat

Consider scheduling a longer meditation retreat, such as a 10-day one, as a future goal, even if it initially feels intimidating, to deepen your practice.

35. Process Grief Through Writing

Use writing, such as journaling or blogging, as a method to process intense emotions and grief, allowing yourself to express vulnerabilities and share your story if it feels appropriate.

36. Share Story on Social Media

Leverage social media platforms with the specific intention of sharing your personal story to connect with others facing similar challenges, fostering a sense of community and mutual support.

37. Aim for Marginal Improvement

When working on emotional regulation, focus on achieving small, incremental improvements over time rather than striving for unattainable perfection, as any progress is a success.

38. Meditate in Native Language

If you are a non-native English speaker, consider translating meditation phrases or concepts into your native language during practice, as it may enhance your ability to generate awareness and feelings.

39. Use Foreign Terms for Noticing

Incorporate specific foreign language terms, such as “propancha” from Pali, as mental notes to quickly identify and disengage from unhelpful thought patterns like negative future fantasizing.

40. Release Desire for Control

Recognize that excessive desire, especially for clarity or control, can hinder progress in meditation and life; instead, allow for variables and let go of rigid expectations.