Understand and internalize that the quality of your relationships directly determines the quality of your life, as this is a scientifically backed fundamental truth.
Engage in couples therapy early in a relationship, before patterns become rigid and fossilized, to optimize and build a solid foundation rather than waiting for a crisis.
Cultivate a foundational balance in your relationship between security and commitment needs, and the need for freedom and individuality, by discussing shared and individual spaces and activities.
Foster admiration for your partner, which includes an element of idealization and deep curiosity, as these are crucial for a strong and evolving relationship.
Act with a generous spirit by doing things for your partner simply because it makes them happy, and accept their gestures as valid even if you don’t share their exact enthusiasm.
Nurture a sense of aliveness, vibrancy, and vitality in your relationship by maintaining anticipation and hope for what is still in store, rather than assuming ’this is it'.
Approach relationships with a mindset of ongoing maintenance, similar to car care, rather than only seeking help when they are ‘kaput’ or in crisis.
Develop ’erotic intelligence’ by staying connected to the life force energy that keeps you and your relationship alive, vibrant, and vital, fostering anticipation and preventing feelings of being trapped.
When addressing intimate issues, focus on cultivating a deeper ’erotic’ experience characterized by intensity, pleasure, playfulness, curiosity, imagination, mystery, and awe, rather than just increasing frequency.
Reflect on the quality of your intimate experiences, considering how you feel about yourself, what you express, the type of intimacy you seek, and your capacity for voluntary surrender.
When discussing intimate issues, avoid focusing on why you don’t have sex, as this approach is generally unproductive for increasing desire.
Actively connect with your own ’erotic self’ by identifying what makes you feel alive, awake, and ignited (e.g., self-care, nature, art, laughter), as this internal vitality fuels desire.
Recognize the fundamental biological need for touch and prioritize non-sexual physical affection to prevent irritability, depression, or anger that can lead to other relationship issues.
Diffuse relationship tensions by using humor, exaggeration, or de-exaggeration to create complicity and laugh together about minor annoyances.
Instead of using small annoyances as excuses to withhold intimacy or blame your partner, actively subvert these patterns by offering support or finding alternative solutions.
In difficult conversations, try to speak the unspoken inner fears or hidden stories with kindness and humility, allowing your partner to feel seen and understood.
Approach communication with humility, recognizing that your interpretation is not always right and that the other person’s validation is necessary for something to be ’true’ for them.
Apply a ‘playing pool’ metaphor to relationship problems: understand that the obvious issue might not be the one to address directly, and look for underlying causes that will create a ripple effect.
Recognize that relationships are narratives; actively work to rewrite negative or ’encrusted’ stories to change your vocabulary, experience, and body state, leading to a more positive reality.
Embrace the possibility of reinventing yourself and your relationship structure over a long lifespan to achieve a ‘second marriage with the same person,’ adapting interdependence and life goals.
Notice and appreciate your partner when they are in their element, confident, radiant, and striving, as this fosters admiration and desire by creating a space where they don’t ’need’ you.
Develop and express confidence in various aspects of your life, as it is a powerful attractive quality in relationships.
Consciously reframe shared experiences or your partner’s qualities as gifts rather than deprivations, as this perspective significantly impacts relationship satisfaction.
If infidelity occurs, understand that it often stems from a longing to feel ‘alive’ or to experience a ’new self,’ rather than solely a desire to leave the partner, which can help in processing the event.
Before seeking external validation or change, reflect on whether your desire for a ’new self’ or to leave the person you’ve become can be addressed within your existing relationship or through personal growth.
If infidelity occurs, focus on turning the rupture into a repair, as the vast majority of couples can stay together and even build a new relationship from such a crisis.
View significant relationship crises, including infidelity, as potential ‘alarm systems’ that can jolt partners into renewed effort, reminding them why they care and prompting a deeper connection.
When self-judgment arises during intimacy, practice mindfulness by making a soft mental note of ‘judgment’ or ‘self-criticism’ to shift out of aversion and into non-judgmental awareness.
Read Emily Nagoski’s ‘Come As You Are’ to understand the ‘brakes and accelerators’ of desire, especially for women who often experience responsive desire (it builds as you engage, rather than starting with a mood).
Identify and challenge ‘inhibiting cognitions’ (self-critical thoughts) that deflate desire, and cultivate thoughts that connect you to your sexuality and desirability.
When suffering from self-judgment, practice mindfulness by investigating the raw data of the experience (body sensations, thoughts) with non-judgmental awareness, rather than getting stuck in the mental story.
When experiencing self-criticism, apply Kristen Neff’s three-step self-compassion practice: 1) Notice the suffering, 2) Remember you’re not alone, and 3) Send yourself kindness.
For mental wellbeing, consider a ‘maximalist’ approach by combining mindfulness practices with psychotherapy to address deep-seated stories and patterns.
Listen to podcasts like ‘Where Should We Begin?’ to gain insights into relationship dynamics by reflecting on others’ therapy experiences, even if you don’t relate to the specifics.
Utilize therapy not just for mental health issues, but also as a space for processing identity, defining values, aspirations, hopes, and fears.
Recognize the direct link between relational health, stress levels, and physical symptoms, emphasizing the importance of healthy relationships for overall physical well-being.
Recognize that divorce rates are influenced by societal shifts like increased economic independence for women and changes in legal frameworks, not solely by ‘overheated expectations’ from romanticism.
Recognize and address the often-overlooked struggles of ‘helpers’ who support troubled loved ones, ensuring they also prioritize their own self-care and well-being.
Check out the 10% Happier app’s ‘Relationships’ course by Oren J. Sofer to learn practical skills for cultivating more mindful communication, which is the currency of relationships.
Utilize the seven-day free trial of the 10% Happier app to explore its offerings, including the relationships course, at your leisure.
Listen to Esther Perel’s podcasts ‘Where Should We Begin?’ for relationship insights and ‘How’s Work?’ for workplace relational dynamics.
Read Esther Perel’s books ‘Mating in Captivity’ and ‘The State of Affairs,’ and watch her TED Talks on desire in long-term relationships and rethinking infidelity.
Connect with Esther Perel by joining her newsletter and blog at EstherPerel.com for ongoing insights and discussions on relationships.