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Love In War | Esther Perel

Oct 28, 2022 55m 58s 10 insights
<p><em>New episodes come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for free, with 1-week early access for Wondery+ subscribers.</em></p> <p><em>---</em></p> <p>We're sharing a very special episode from a frequent guest of the show, Esther Perel. In this episode, "Love in War with Esther Perel: Ukraine," you'll hear a couples session led by Esther, between a husband and wife whose family has been torn apart by the war in Ukraine. Through the lens of relationship, you experience both the horrors of war and the relatability of intimate relationships.</p> <p>Esther Perel is a psychotherapist and <em>New York Times</em> bestselling author of many books, including <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Mating In Captivity</em></a>. She's also the host of the podcasts <em>Where Should We Begin?</em> and <em>How's Work?.</em> </p> <p><br /></p>
Actionable Insights

1. Cultivate Joy & Creative Practices

Actively engage in humor, playfulness, curiosity, and joy-intensifying strategies like experiencing awe, practicing gratitude, and creating through music, prayer, singing, poetry, or art, as these are essential for facing hardships.

2. Grant Self Permission for Joy

Give yourself explicit permission to connect with hope, joy, and celebration, recognizing these emotions are not frivolous but fundamental components that enable you to cope with and face difficult realities.

3. Create Non-Verbal Connection Rituals

During difficult separations, establish weekly rituals that foster connection beyond conversation, such as listening to music together, watching a movie, or dancing simultaneously in separate locations, to maintain hope, energy, and intimacy.

4. Embrace Small, Temporary Visions

In times of extreme uncertainty, shift from long-term life visions to smaller, temporary visions for the moment, as this adaptive approach can help you navigate immediate challenges and avoid feeling stuck.

5. Acknowledge Internal Conflicts

Recognize and accept that you can hold conflicting feelings simultaneously, such as fear for a loved one’s safety while also respecting and admiring their difficult choices, rather than trying to force alignment.

6. Allow Yourself to Feel Vulnerability

Permit yourself to connect with deep feelings of love, missing, and longing for your partner, even if it feels scary or makes you feel less strong, as this connection is vital for your own emotional well-being and relationship.

7. Maintain Daily Family & Couple Meetings

Establish a routine of daily online meetings, alternating between family sessions with children and one-on-one time with your partner, to maintain connection and intimacy during separation.

8. Share Personal Struggles with Children

Openly share your own difficult days or fears with your children, as this can create a safe space for them to express their struggles and prevent them from feeling isolated.

9. Live Day-by-Day with Structure

Focus on living one day at a time, creating a daily schedule of tasks to complete, and ending the day with family conversations to share experiences and find moments of peace and humor.

10. Acknowledge Partner’s Emotional Needs

Recognize and fulfill your partner’s specific emotional needs, such as the need for compliments or words of affirmation, even during difficult times, as these are crucial for their well-being and connection.