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Losing Your Patience? Here's How to Get it Back

May 11, 2020 1h 26m 30 insights
This pandemic is a colossal test of our patience - from dealing with family to interminably long wait times on calls with the unemployment office to just wanting this whole nightmare to evaporate so we can go back to the movies. We've got a special, two-part episode this week. In the first part, we bring on a pair of researchers who study patience. The good news: they have found that patience is a quality we can train and develop through meditation and other strategies, including cognitive reappraisal, transcendence, or just learning how to fake it until you make it. (Side note: we also fall into an interesting chat about the benefits of defensive pessimism versus strategic optimism.) After the researchers, we bring on legendary meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg for a deeper dive into how to use meditation to increase our patience, especially when it comes to interpersonal stuff (which, let's be honest, includes other people and ourselves). Our patience experts are Dr. Sarah Schnitker from the Psychology and Neuroscience Department at Baylor University, and Dr. Kate Sweeny from the Psychology department at the University of California, Riverside. Where to find our guests online: Dr. Kate Sweeny / http://www.katesweeny.com/ Dr Sarah A. Schnitker / https://www.baylor.edu/psychologyneuroscience/index.php?id=950614 Sharon Salzberg / https://www.sharonsalzberg.com/ Other Resources Mentioned: Wendy Wood University of Southern California (Habits Research) / https://www.marshall.usc.edu/personnel/wendy-wood Richie Davidson Research on Pain and meditation / https://news.wisc.edu/meditation-expertise-changes-experience-of-pain/ Walter Mischel Marshmellow Test / https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_marshmallow_experiment Additional Resources: Ten Percent Happier Live: https://tenpercent.com/live Coronavirus Sanity Guide: https://www.tenpercent.com/coronavirussanityguide Free App Access for Teachers, Healthcare, Grocery and Food Delivery, and Warehouse Workers: https://tenpercent.com/care Get more focus and clarity by bringing mindfulness to your company with a team subscription to Ten Percent Happier! Visit tenpercent.com/work to learn more. Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/patience-246
Actionable Insights

1. Cultivate Patience as a Strength

Actively cultivate patience as a strength to better deal with suffering, uncertainty, and waiting, especially for important life events that are beyond immediate control.

2. Anchor Patience in Higher Purpose

Identify a higher-order purpose beyond yourself for enduring waiting or suffering (e.g., community, society, spiritual connection) to energize you and prevent anger or giving up.

3. Train and Develop Patience

Actively train and develop patience, as it is a quality that can be improved through various strategies like meditation, cognitive reappraisal, and transcendence.

4. Embrace Discomfort, Lean In

Lean into discomfort, restlessness, and uncertainty rather than avoiding them, as this direct engagement can lead to long-term freedom from being controlled by difficult emotions.

5. Cultivate Emotional Awareness

Practice becoming aware of and identifying your current emotions (e.g., anger, sadness, anxiety), as this awareness can take power away from negative emotions and is a critical step in regulating them effectively.

6. Confront Negative Emotions Mindfully

Confront and become fully aware of negative emotions without judgment, rather than resorting to escapism, as this is crucial for developing genuine, long-term patience.

7. Reframe Situations with Reappraisal

Practice cognitive reappraisal by reframing difficult situations, such as finding benefits in hardship or recognizing that things could be worse, to blunt emotional impact and cultivate patience.

8. Seek Flow States for Well-being

Actively seek and engage in “flow” activities (pleasurable, challenging but not too challenging, with clear progress tracking) to significantly ameliorate the negative effects of long-term uncertainty and improve well-being.

9. Practice Loving Kindness for Others

Practice loving kindness meditation to build connections, foster a sense of being part of a larger whole, and cultivate empathy and compassion, which are crucial for interpersonal patience.

10. Use Rushing as a Pause Signal

When you notice yourself rushing, use it as a signal to pause, take a breath, and re-center yourself in the present moment, as rushing indicates a lack of presence and can lead to loss of focus.

11. Value Moments of Recovery

Appreciate and value every moment you catch yourself getting lost or impatient and choose to return to presence or your intention, as these moments of recovery are crucial for growth and progress in developing patience.

12. Build Patience Through Habits

View patience as a character strength that can be built through consistent habits, and reward yourself for practicing it, recognizing that small, rewarding steps contribute to long-term growth.

13. Practice Patience in Daily Life

Use daily hassles (traffic, lines, phone waits) as opportunities to practice patience, as these situations serve as training grounds for developing the skill for more significant life challenges.

14. Drop Into Present Reality

Practice “dropping in” to the current reality of a situation or person, letting go of past expectations, to foster patience by accepting things as they are and enabling authentic relationships.

15. Understand True Acceptance

Understand that acceptance of a situation means acknowledging reality as it is, not necessarily enjoying it or being passive, which prevents misinterpreting patience as resignation and allows for skillful action.

16. Assume Best Intentions in Others

Adopt the perspective that people, including those you are locked down with, are generally doing the best they can, fostering patience and compassion and avoiding unnecessary frustration.

17. Communicate with “I Language”

When communicating, especially in interpersonal conflicts, use “I language” to express your feelings and needs without condemning others, fostering better communication and more constructive interactions.

18. Embrace “Welcome to Human Race”

When you notice something about yourself or others that you don’t like, internally or externally say, “Welcome to the human race,” to foster universal acceptance and self-compassion.

19. Avoid Useless Future Worry

Recognize and disengage from “useless” future conceptualizations or grim anticipations that are impossible to know or deal with in the present, as they only produce angst.

20. Balance Optimism with Reality Checks

Maintain general optimism during open-ended uncertainty, but periodically allow for “defensive pessimism” to check preparedness, sustaining positivity while ensuring readiness for potential negative outcomes.

21. Employ Defensive Pessimism Strategically

When waiting for news with a clear end, shift from general optimism to a more pessimistic mindset closer to the moment of truth, to prepare for bad news and reduce anxiety.

22. Meditate for Emotional Awareness

Incorporate meditation into your routine to stop, become aware of your emotions, and develop the self-awareness necessary for patience, especially in busy, stimulating environments.

23. Match Meditation to Current Needs

Regularly check in with yourself to assess your current struggles and choose a meditation practice (e.g., mindfulness for anxiety, loving kindness for interpersonal issues) that best addresses those needs.

24. Designate a “Patience Gym”

Designate specific physical spaces in your home for practicing patience-building activities like meditation, as associating a physical space with a habit can help activate those good habits.

25. Discover Personal Flow Activities

Reflect on and identify personal activities that induce a state of flow, allowing you to intentionally engage in them to manage time, stress, and well-being.

26. Prioritize Engaging Over Passive Relaxation

When seeking to quiet your mind or pass time, prioritize engaging activities over merely relaxing ones (like passive TV watching), as they are more effective at absorbing your attention and preventing rumination.

27. Utilize Video Games for Flow

If you enjoy them, consider playing video games or engaging in gamified activities, as they are often custom-made to create flow states, helping pass time and feel good.

28. Boost Empathy with Media Narratives

Engage with compelling narratives through TV shows, movies, or novels to provide social connection, replenish well-being, and build empathy skills, which helps with interpersonal patience.

29. Cultivate Qualities Drop by Drop

Approach the development of qualities like mindfulness and loving kindness as a continuous process of adding small, consistent efforts, encouraging persistent practice without discouragement.

30. Offer Team Meditation Subscriptions

If you run a business or are in HR, consider buying team subscriptions to the 10% Happier app to help colleagues gain more focus and clarity through meditation and improve interpersonal relations.