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Lodro Rinzler, Meditation for the Heartbroken

May 17, 2017 54m 33s 30 insights
Buddhist meditation teacher Lodro Rinzler, who had been meditating for most of his life, found himself dealing with multiple, heartbreaking tribulations in his 20s and he fell into despair for a while. After working through his experience, Rinzler, who has written six books and co-founded MNDFL in New York City, focused on having conversations about how Buddhist teachings can help others cope with devastating life events.
Actionable Insights

1. Befriend Thoughts in Meditation

Do not try to stop thinking during meditation; instead, observe thoughts, befriend them, and become more okay with who you are. The mind naturally generates thoughts, and meditation is about familiarization and acceptance, not suppression.

2. Gently Return to Breath

When thoughts arise during meditation, don’t get uptight; notice the thought, perhaps mentally note its type, and gently return attention to the breath. This is the core practice, and it’s normal to have to redirect attention repeatedly.

3. Replace Self-Judgment with Kindness

When noticing mind wandering during meditation, replace self-judgmental thoughts with a kind and accepting internal voice, reminding yourself it’s okay to drift and to simply return. This transforms the practice from self-aggression to self-kindness and acceptance.

4. Feel Your Breath Physically

Focus on feeling the physical sensations of the breath rather than just thinking about it during meditation. Meditation is about experiencing the raw, visceral data of the body, not a purely mental exercise.

5. View Meditation as Cumulative

Approach meditation as a cumulative practice, giving yourself time and trusting that subtle effects will appear over time. It’s not an instant fix; consistent practice leads to gradual benefits.

6. Cultivate Self-Love via Meditation

Use meditation to become familiar with yourself, learn to be kind to yourself, and cultivate self-love. Self-love cultivated through meditation allows for greater love to be offered to others.

7. Celebrate Waking Up in Meditation

Reframe the moment of realizing you’ve been distracted during meditation as a celebration of waking up and training your mind. This positive reframing can make the practice feel more rewarding and highlight progress.

8. Release “Getting It Right” Pressure

Release the pressure of “getting it right” in meditation, understanding that there isn’t one single correct way to practice. This mindset prevents self-doubt and allows for exploration of various techniques.

9. Question Self-Criticism’s Utility

When repeatedly engaging in self-laceration for mind wandering, pause and ask yourself, “Is this useful? Is this actually helping me?” This question can help break the cycle of unhelpful self-criticism.

10. Note Self-Judgment, Then Relax

When self-judgment arises reflexively after distraction, simply make a mental note of the judgment without adding further pressure or self-laceration. This allows for acceptance of the initial reaction and relaxation, rather than trying to suppress it.

11. Manage Meditation Expectations

Set realistic expectations for meditation, understanding that it takes weeks of consistent practice to see effects, rather than expecting immediate happiness. Realistic expectations prevent discouragement and help sustain practice.

12. Seek Personalized Meditation Guidance

Seek personalized guidance from meditation teachers or coaches to address specific challenges and receive tailored practice recommendations. Human interaction and specific advice can help navigate difficulties and suggest appropriate practices.

13. Find Meditation Accountability/Support

Seek out community or structured environments like meditation classes for support and accountability in maintaining a meditation practice. External support and knowing teachers can help sustain motivation and consistency.

14. Prioritize Self-Care During Heartbreak

During heartbreak, prioritize self-care activities like spending time with loved ones, going for walks, taking time off, and getting enough sleep, while avoiding unhelpful coping mechanisms like overeating or excessive drinking. These actions support well-being and recovery during difficult emotional periods.

15. Seek Therapy for Heartbreak

If experiencing significant heartbreak or emotional distress, consider seeking therapy. Therapy can provide support and help process strong emotions, potentially leading back to other self-care practices like meditation.

16. Address Meditation Posture

If concerned about posture in meditation, seek guidance or classes specifically for posture correction. Correct posture can enhance comfort and confidence in practice.

17. Integrate Meditation into Routine

Integrate meditation into your daily routine, even if it means adapting to interruptions from pets or other household members. Consistency is key, and finding ways to practice amidst daily life helps maintain the habit.

18. Balance Daily Sits with Retreats

Balance daily “maintenance sits” for sanity with occasional longer retreats (e.g., once a year) for deeper practice. This approach allows for consistent mental upkeep during busy periods and opportunities for profound growth.

19. Join a Meditation Challenge

Participate in structured challenges, like a 30-day meditation challenge, to build consistency and track progress. Challenges provide financial incentives, a sense of accomplishment, and a way to stay on track.

20. Utilize Free Guided Meditations

Use free guided meditations available on the 10% Happier app. This is a way to engage in and practice meditation.

21. Read for Mental Upkeep

Read articles about meditation and mental upkeep regularly. This helps to stay engaged in the practice and connected to its intellectual infrastructure, preventing it from feeling “stupid” or losing touch.

22. Practice Shamatha Meditation

Practice Shamatha meditation by bringing full attention to the breath, understanding that while it may not always feel calm, it aims to connect with an innate sense of peace. This foundational practice helps uncover inherent calm and peace.

23. Meditate with Eyes Open

Consider meditating with eyes open, with a soft gaze cast downwards at the floor. This is a valid method within some traditions and can have different effects on the mind.

24. Vary Breath Focus Techniques

Experiment with different ways of focusing on the breath, such as the in-breath and out-breath, counting breaths, or just the out-breath. Different techniques can have different effects and may suit individual preferences.

25. Explore Drop-in Meditation Studios

Utilize drop-in meditation studios for short, accessible classes to explore different meditation styles and teachers. It provides a convenient way to sample various practices and find what resonates before committing to a deeper tradition.

26. Apply Meditation to Daily Life

Practice meditation with an emphasis on applying it to everyday life and showing up for other human beings. This integrates the practice into daily interactions and helps one be helpful to the world.

27. Expose Kids to Meditation

Parents should show up for meditation and talk about it openly in the household. Kids will pick up on cues and be encouraged to try it themselves if it’s an accepted activity.

28. Meditate Despite Kid Interruptions

Parents with young children should still try to meditate, even if it means doing it early or amidst distractions. It’s possible to get meditation time in, even with kids interrupting, as demonstrated by an example.

29. Seek Direct Teacher Guidance

For advanced or specific meditation practices (e.g., Vajrayana, Vedic mantra), seek direct guidance and initiation from a qualified teacher. Direct transmission ensures proper understanding and a wholesome practice, as opposed to self-learning from secondary sources.

30. Prioritize Spiritual Integrity

If involved in a business related to spirituality or meditation, prioritize maintaining spiritual integrity in all aspects, including communication and representation. This ensures authenticity and responsible communication of practices, preventing dilution or misrepresentation.