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Jonathan Van Ness on Shame, Shopping, Bodies, and Hope

May 9, 2022 44m 9s 17 insights
<p>How do you find hope in a lifetime that has experienced more trauma than most? </p> <p><br /></p> <p>Guest Jonathan Van Ness says that the key is to stay curious and focus on happiness and joy, even if it's just in a tiny corner.</p> <p><br /></p> <p>Jonathan Van Ness is a hairstylist by trade and best known as one of the hosts of the Netflix series <a href="https://www.netflix.com/title/80160037" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Queer Eye</em></a>. He is also the author of <a href="https://jonathanvanness.com/books/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Love That Story</em></a> and the New York Times bestselling memoir <em>Over the Top,</em> and the host of the podcast <a href="https://jonathanvanness.com/podcasts/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness</em></a>. </p> <p><br /></p> <p>In this episode we talk about: </p> <p><br /></p> <ul> <li>The universality of processing grief</li> <li>What a "window of tolerance" means </li> <li>Getting curious about shame</li> <li>Body dysmorphia</li> <li>JVN's complex and contradictory feelings about shopping</li> <li>What "parts therapy" or Internal Family Systems therapy is</li> <li>Setting boundaries</li> <li>Connecting and cultivating joy </li> </ul> <p><br /></p> <p><em>Content Warning: Explicit language and mentions of sexual abuse, substance amuse, body dysmorphia, and references to sex.</em></p> <p><br /></p> <p><br /></p> <p><strong>Full Shownotes:</strong> <a href="https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/jonathan-van-ness-447" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/jonathan-van-ness-447</a></p>
Actionable Insights

1. Accept Life’s Duality

Embrace the complexity and contradictions of life, understanding that joy and sorrow, good and bad, can coexist, and that finding peace is possible even amidst catastrophe.

2. Cultivate Observer Self

Distinguish yourself from your experiences and feelings by recognizing your ‘highest self’ as the observer of life’s happenings, rather than being defined by them.

3. Address Shame with Curiosity

Confront feelings of shame by asking ‘why do I feel like this?’ and approaching it with acceptance, compassion, and curiosity, recognizing that you are not your shame.

4. Reduce Self-Judgment

Recognize that harsh self-criticism can lead to judging others; work on being kinder to yourself to foster less judgment towards others.

5. Embrace Grief as Love

Understand that grief is an inevitable consequence of deep love and connection; choose vulnerability and connection despite the certainty of future loss.

6. Cultivate Persistent Hope

Maintain a small, persistent sense of hope, even during difficult times, as it provides a pathway to return to and can fuel healing and personal growth.

7. Seek Joy Actively

To cultivate hope, actively seek out activities that bring you joy, even if you don’t immediately feel it, as the act of seeking builds a pathway to joy in your brain.

8. Adopt Body Neutrality

Disentangle your self-worth from physical appearance and societal beauty standards, focusing instead on what your body can do and its inherent value beyond aesthetics.

9. Practice Balanced Boundaries

Learn to set boundaries by asking for what you need upfront, recognizing that past trauma might lead to disproportionate reactions, and continuously work to balance this skill.

10. Embrace Duality in Values

Recognize that contradictory truths can coexist within yourself (e.g., being selfless and indulging in personal desires) and strive to accept both aspects rather than picking one over the other.

11. Process Trauma Without Becoming

Practice discussing past traumatic experiences without re-identifying with them, aiming to create distance and prevent re-traumatization.

12. Acknowledge Non-Linear Grief

Understand that grief is not a linear process; past wounds can reopen, and you may revisit stages of grief even after long periods of acceptance.

13. Process Anticipatory Grief

Acknowledge and process potential future losses or difficult events when possible, as this can help mitigate acute pain when they occur.

14. Validate Love for Pets

Recognize that deep love and connection can be felt for anyone you protect, including animals, and do not diminish or invalidate this love.

15. Engage Uncomfortable Conversations

As an ally, initiate calm, clear, and loving conversations with family members or others who hold opposing views, especially on issues affecting marginalized communities, to foster understanding and shift perspectives.

16. Advocate for Civic Education

Support and promote civic education to empower people with knowledge about how local, state, and federal governments impact their lives, thereby increasing voter turnout and engagement.

17. Adopt Multiple Pets

Consider adopting two new kittens after the loss of one pet, as the care and presence of new animals can help alleviate sadness (the ‘Charlotte’s Web rule’).