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Joe DiNardo, Grief and Meditation

Dec 14, 2016 56m 42s 18 insights
Joe DiNardo, a businessman and attorney from Buffalo, New York, was married to his wife Marcia for 15 years when she was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer. DiNardo used to his years of meditation practice to help get through the grief of losing her and in his new book, "A Letter to My Wife," he shares anecdotes about the relationship they had and the love he found.
Actionable Insights

1. Redefine Happiness Holistically

Shift your understanding of happiness from temporary excitement or external gains to a deeper sense of personal strength, aliveness, and being fully in touch with unfolding reality.

2. Assess Actions by Skillfulness

Evaluate your actions and mental processes based on whether they are “skillful” (helpful for your life, mental process, and emotional well-being) rather than judging them as “good” or “bad” based on external definitions.

3. Practice Non-Judgmental Observation

When caught in a mental storyline, objectively label it as “that’s thinking” without judgment, then gently return to a centered state, shedding the weight of constant evaluation.

4. Open to Pain, Observe Emotions

When experiencing overwhelming, difficult emotions like sadness, despair, or helplessness, sit for long periods and allow these feelings to be present, observing them without trying to correct or change them.

5. Open to Grief, Don’t Feed It

Acknowledge that feelings of depression, loss, and loneliness are natural responses to grief, and consciously choose to open yourself to these emotions without feeding them additional energy.

6. Allow Difficult Emotions to Be

When feelings of loneliness or depression arise, consciously choose to “leave it alone” and simply allow the emotion to be present without engaging with it or trying to change it.

7. Shape Experience Through Response

Recognize that life is inherently rough and non-judgmental; your response to challenges, rather than the events themselves, determines your subsequent experience.

8. Integrate Practice into Daily Life

Strive to integrate your meditation practice into your daily life, continuously checking back in with your breath or present moment awareness throughout the day, not just during formal sittings.

9. Cultivate Continuous Awareness

Make a conscious effort to pay attention to as much as possible that is occurring to you on a regular basis in your daily life, fostering continuous awareness.

10. Maintain Meditation During Hardship

Continue your meditation practice even during the darkest moments and most challenging life events, viewing them as opportunities for growth and deeper understanding.

11. Listen to Needs, Not Impose Yours

When communicating with someone in great distress, practice deep listening to understand their needs, rather than imposing your own needs, desires, or judgments onto the conversation.

12. Be Honest When Asked Directly

When a loved one in distress directly asks for your honest opinion about a difficult situation, provide a truthful answer, especially if they seem ready to hear it.

13. Practice Self-Compassion, Humility

Avoid taking yourself too seriously, recognizing that you are just human, which helps prevent adding unnecessary mental weight and allows for greater ease in life.

14. Wake Up to Your Reality

Use meditation to “de-hypnotize” yourself from external influences and conditioning, waking up to and engaging with your own present reality.

15. Utilize Collective Positive Intent

Engage in or encourage collective positive intentions, such as metta, rosaries, or prayers, for those suffering, as these can provide an observable energy boost and have a real effect.

16. Write a Cathartic Letter

In times of profound grief or loss, write a letter to the person, living or deceased, as a personal catharsis to process emotions and honor their memory.

17. Utilize Physical Sensations Meditation

If you lose focus on your breath during meditation, shift your attention to any persistent physical sensation in your body as an anchor.

18. Delay Child Introduction to Partners

Delay introducing your children to a new romantic partner until you are certain about the long-term commitment of the relationship.